Eugene Mirman - Letter to Time Warner Cable

Eugene Mirman: An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory Season 1, Ep 101 12/14/2012 Views: 3,667

Eugene Mirman wishes three plagues upon Time Warner Cable's board of directors. (2:28)

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THAT I WROTETO TIME WARNER CABLE.

"DEAR TIME WARNER CABLE,

"ON APRIL 23RD,I MOVED AND HAD AN APPOINTMENT

"WITH TIME WARNER CABLETO COME AND INSTALL CABLE,

"INTERNET, AND PHONE SERVICE,AND NO ONE SHOWED UP.

"WHEN I CALLED,I WAS TOLD MY APPOINTMENT

"WAS ENTERED WRONGAND MOVED TO MAY 4TH

"WITHOUT ANYONE CALLING ME.

"NO BIG DEAL.

"WHY WOULD A COMPANYCHECK WITH SOMEONE

"TO SEE IF THEY ARE HOMEON A WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON?

"OF COURSE THEY ARE.EVERYONE IS.

"NAME ONE PERSON WHO ISN'T HOMEON A WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON.

"YOU CAN'T.

"IT'S IMPOSSIBLEBECAUSE EVERYONE IS HOME.

"IT'D BE A WASTE OF MONEYAND RESOURCES

"TO CALL AND TALK TO HIM.

"DID STALIN EVER CALL PEOPLEBEFORE HE ARRESTED THEM

"AND SENT THEM TO DIEIN SIBERIAN WORK CAMPS?

"NO!

"WHY SHOULD TIME WARNER CABLEHAVE A POLICY

"THAT IS ANY DIFFERENTFROM STALIN'S?

"DID YOU KNOW THAT ON YELP

"TIME WARNER CABLEHAS 1 1/2 STARS?

"THAT'S LESS STARSTHAN JEFFREY DAHMER,

"WHO KILLEDAND ATE PEOPLE,

"MAYBE EVEN HAD SEXWITH THEIR SKULLS.

"I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

"OBVIOUSLY WHATI'M SAYING IS UNTRUE

"BECAUSE YELP DOES NOT REVIEWSERIAL KILLERS.

"BUT IF THEY DID,HIS BABA GHANOUSH

"WOULD BE BETTER THAN YOURSIF YOU BOTH MADE BABA GHANOUSH,

"EVEN IF HIS DRUGGEDAND MURDERED PEOPLE.

"SORRY THAT GOT WEIRD.

[bleep] YOU. I JUST MADE YOUREAD THAT CONFUSING THING."

[laughter and cheering]

"TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF HOWMUCH I DISLIKE YOUR COMPANY,

"I HAVE COME UPWITH PLAGUES

"I HOPE GOD SMITESYOUR BOARD OF DIRECTORS WITH.

"HERE ARE THE PLAGUES.

"AWKWARD--EVERY BOARD MEMBER'SCELL PHONE RING

"LOUDLY ANNOUNCESTHEIR WEIGHT

AND ALSO THE DAYTHEY WILL DIE."

"BATHROOM--THE CONSTANT FEELINGYOU HAVE TO GO NUMBER TWO,

BUT COMPLETELYFORGETTING HOW."

[groans]

"IMPROV--YOUR FIRST-BORN

WILL WANT TO BEA SHORT-FORM IMPROVISER."

WHERE YOU DO, LIKE,

"DO AVATAR IN THE STYLEOF QUENTIN TARANTINO."

DON'T.DON'T DO THAT.

"LAST PLAGUE,POPCORN--

"YOUR SECOND-BORN WILL SMELLLIKE HOT BUTTERED POPCORN.

"IT'S NOT THAT BADAT FIRST,

"BUT EVENTUALLYI BET IT WILL BE MADDENING!

"SINCERELY,EUGENE MIRMAN

AND PROBABLY EVERY ONEOF YOUR CUSTOMERS."