Pete Holmes - Best Way to Die

Pete Holmes: Nice Try, The Devil Season 1, Ep 101 05/12/2013 Views: 20,091

Pete Holmes plots out exactly how he wants to die, and it involves arrows. (1:27)

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- I've been thinkingabout how I want to die.

We all have to die.

It would be weirdif there was one person here

that didn't know that.Like, "What?

No!"

I've been thinkingabout how I want to die.

I want to get hit by an arrow.

Who's hit by arrows anymore?

That never happens.

I want to get hitby an arrow.

And not, like, in the woods

where it wouldkind of make sense.

I want to be waiting for,like, a crosswalk

to change,just like...

Pfft!

What?

And you know, if one hits you,three more are on the way.

Just like...

Who the [bleep] is arching meright now?

I would crumble to the earthwith a smile on my face.

That would be the best wayto die.

I thoughtabout the funniest way to die.

It's me, I've been hit,hopefully by arrows,

God willing.

I'm on the groundand I'm dying,

and somebody's passing by,and they see me dying,

and they come and they kneelbeside me to be

with mein my final moment.

Unwritten social rule.

That's what you're supposedto do.

So he'd kneel beside me,and I see this man.

Then I get a second wind,

and I lean up,and I go...

[clears throat]

"Not today."

But then I just die anyway.

[laughs]

To lean up with vigorand declare, like,

"Mm-mm, not today.

I guess today."

Then you fall back down,

and diarrheashoots down one of your legs.

Then they put "Not today"on your epitaph,

'cause you can't argue,you're gone.