Flip Schultz - Cookies

Season 1, Ep 0101 08/31/2006 Views: 2,059

Flip Schultz is as nice as ready-made cookies. (2:37)

Oh, so adorable.

I'm single. Shocker.

( chuckles )

I'll tell you,I will never understand

so many things about women.

Like, you ever seen, like,the single girls are all like,

"I just wish I couldfind me a nice guy.

"Why can't I find a nice guy?

I want a nice guy!"

Bull ( bleep ).

No, you don't.

This is what I realizedabout women.

Women don't wanta nice guy right away.

See, I am a nice guy,right from the...

You know, I'm likeready-made cookies.

I'm Flips Ahoy--out of the box, ready to date.

Thanks for remembering my name.

Women don't want that.

Women, I found this out,you love challenges.

That's why women areconstantly looking for jerks,

constantly lookingfor Mr. Wrong.

'Cause what they like to dois take Mr. Wrong,

break him downinto a pile of nothing,

and slowly rebuild him

as their Mr. Right.


"Yeah, it's true."

You ladies are very goodat changing men.

I give you credit, 'cause youdo it in such small increments.

And men-- we're so stupid.

We don't realize it's happeneduntil it's too late.

Yeah. You'll see itall the time.

It's the little things.

A girl will be talkingto her man, and she's, like,

( falsetto ):"Hey, hey, hey, you, hey.


"You know...

"You know how you alwayswear your hair?

"You knowhow you always wear it?

"It's kind of long and shaggy.

"You should cut it!

"You should...

I think it looks betterwhen it's really short."

"Really? It's betterwhen it's short?"



( audience laughter )


( imitating woman's high-pitched whining )

( high voice ): "You know...

( laughter )

"You know how you alwayswear those T-shirts?

"You know those old,ratty T-shirts?

"You should wear nice shirts...like button...

I think you look goodin buttoned shirts."

"Really? I look goodin buttoned shirts?"



( whining )

( laughter )

( whining )

"You know...

( laughter )

"You know how you have allof those opinions

and how you thinkfor yourself all the time?"


And then you win, ladies.

You change us, and you inviteall your friends over.

You're, like, "Girls, ta-dah!

I did it! I did it!"

( applause )

"We're number one!

"Who's number one? Me.

Who's number two? You."

( laughing )

And then what always happens?

"I want to break up."


"You've changed."

( laughter and applause )