THANK YOU FOR COMING.THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
THIS IS LOVELY.
MY NAME IS JOHN MULANEY,
AS THEY SAID, AND I'VE LIVEDIN THIS CITY NOW --
I LOVE IT.
I'VE LIVED HEREFOR A FEW YEARS NOW.
AND, SO, I HAVE THIS NEWPHENOMENON IN MY LIFE
WHERE, LIKE, LATE AT NIGHTON THE STREET,
WOMEN WILL SEE ME AS A THREAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT IS FUNNY, YEAH.
THAT IS SILLY.THIS IS SILLY.
IT'S KIND OF FLATTERING IN ITSOWN WAY, BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
IT'S WEIRD, BECAUSE, LIKE, I'MSTILL AFRAID OF BEING KIDNAPPED.
HONESTLY.
BUT I'LL GIVE YOUTHE BEST EXAMPLE OF THIS.
A FEW MONTHS AGO,
I WAS AT A SUBWAY STATION AT2:00 IN THE MORNING, ALL RIGHT?
AND AT THIS STATION,I'M CHANGING TRAINS.
AND YOU HAVE TO WALK DOWNTHIS LONG HALLWAY
IN ORDER TO CHANGE TRAINS.
SO IT'S 2:00 IN THE MORNING.
IT'S JUST ME AND THIS WOMAN,AND WE'RE WALKING ALONG,
AND SHE'S WALKINGA FEW YARDS AHEAD OF ME.
BUT SHE KEEPS GIVING MELIKE THE OVER-THE-SHOULDER,
LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?
AND THEN SHE STARTSTO PICK UP THE PACE.
SHE STARTS TO WALK A LOT FASTER.
SO I THINK, "OH.
SHE MUST HEAR THE TRAIN COMING."
[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
"OR, YOU KNOW,MAYBE SHE FEELS IT IN HER FEET,
LIKE A NATIVE AMERICAN."
SO I START TO SPRINTDOWN THE HALLWAY AT HER.
AND SHE LOOKS BACK,AND SHE'S LIKE, "AAH!"
AND THEN SHE GIVES CHASE, RIGHT?
SO NOW WE'RE BOOKING IT DOWN THECORRIDOR AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING,
AND I'M GAINING ON HER.
I'M GAINING ON HER,
AND WE'RE GETTINGTO THE END OF THE HALLWAY,
AND SHE STARTS TO GO INTOTHAT, LIKE, DEAD-END SHUFFLE,
YOU KNOW, THAT WOMEN DOWHEN YOU CHASE THEM.
AND I'M ALMOST AT HER.
I'M ALMOST AT HER,AND THEN IT DAWNS ON ME.
"OH.
"SHE'S RUNNING FROM ME...
BECAUSE IN HER EYES,I'M AN ADULT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"AND ADULTSRAPE EACH OTHER..."
[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
"...KIND OF A LOT."
SO I WANTED TO GO UP TO HERAND BE LIKE, "HEY, WHOA!
NO, NO!"
"I'M NOT LIKE A --I'M NOT LIKE A --
[ GROWLS ]
"I'M NOT --
"I'M NOT A MAN.
I'M SOME STUPID PUNK,YOU KNOW?"
BUT I THINK THATTHAT WOULD BE EQUALLY CREEPY
IS IF YOU WERE IN A SUBWAYSTATION AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING,
AND I CHASED YOU DOWN,GRABBED YOU,
AND SAID,"I'M NOT GONNA RAPE YOU.
I'M A LITTLE BOY."
[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOT GOOD, EITHER.