Nick DiPaolo - Hotels

Brett Butler & Nick DiPaolo Season 1, Ep 0137 02/24/1992 Views: 2,336

Eight out of 10 dentists recommend a Zagnut bar before bed. (3:24)

STAYED IN A PLACE IN NEW JERSEYWITH... ACTUALLY TOO FANCY.

THEY LEAVE CHOCOLATE ON YOURPILLOW BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

WHO STARTED THIS?

I THINK FOUR OUTOF FIVE DENTISTS

RECOMMEND A ZAGNUT BARBEFORE YOU HIT THE SACK.

I SLEEP PRETTY WELL

WITH FIVE POUNDS OF SUGARRUNNING THROUGH MY BLOODSTREAM.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME

A VIAL OF CRACK AND A POTOF BLACK COFFEE ON THE PILLOW?

IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING

I'M SO WOUND UP, I'M DOINGGROUT WORK IN THE BATHROOM.

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE MY STAYMORE PLEASANT AT A HOTEL

WHY DON'T YOU START

BY REMOVING THAT JET ENGINEFROM THE AIR CONDITIONER?

EVER TRY TO SLEEP IN A HOTEL

WITH THE AIR CONDITIONERON HIGH?

IT'S LIKE ( imitates engine ).

WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING,IT'S TWO DEGREES IN YOUR ROOM.

YOU GOT WALT DISNEYLAYING NEXT TO YOU.

HEY, IT'S FREEZING IN HERE.

EITHER THAT OR THEY PUMP THATREAL DRY HEAT INTO YOUR ROOM.

YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING

THE INSIDE OF YOUR NOSEIS LIKE A BOX OF TRISCUITS.

YOU GET THAT LITTLE WHISTLEIN YOUR NOSE.

I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

I GOT ZAMFIR,MASTER OF THE PAN FLUTE

CUTTING AN ALBUM IN MY SINUSES.

YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE,IT GETS LOUDER.

YOU'RE LIKE ( whistles ).

SOUNDS LIKE MARIAH CAREYSTEPPED IN A BEAR TRAP.

WHAT IS THAT?

YOU KNOW?

THE NICE PLACES, THEY PAMPER YOUTOO MUCH, YOU KNOW.

THIS MAID COMESTO MY DOOR 8:00 AT NIGHT.

"YOU LIKE ME TO TURNYOUR BED DOWN FOR YOU?"

WHY, IS IT TOO LOUD?WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SHE COMES IN,SHE PULLS THE SHEETS BACK.

"WELL, HEY, THANKS A LOAD.

I COULDN'T HAVE FIGUREDTHAT OUT MYSELF."

I MEAN, ARE PEOPLE HAVINGPROBLEMS WITH THIS?

THERE'S SOME GUY IN HIS ROOM

"YEAH, THIS IS BILL IN 307,YEAH, I CAN'T GET INTO MY BED.

"IT'S STILL MADE.

I CAN'T FIND AN OPENING ANYWHERE."

HOW COME YOU CAN'T GET

AN ADULT-SIZE BAR OF SOAPIN A HOTEL?

EVER TRY TO WASH YOUR ASSWITH HOTEL SOAP?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE DAVIDCOPPERFIELD, THE MAGICIAN.

HEY, LOOK, KIDS, IT'S GONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M LEAVING HOWARD JOHNSON'S

I GOT A TRAIL OF SUDSCOMING OUT OF MY PANT LEG.

I WAS STAYING IN A HOTELLAST WEEK.

THE LADY NEXT DOOR TO MEHAD A DOG WITH A COAT ON IT.

YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE, THESE...

THEY TAKE THEIR PETSTHAT SERIOUS.

THEY GO OUT AND BUY ITHATS AND SHOES AND STUFF.

WE TAKE PETS TOO SERIOUSIN THIS COUNTRY.

WE DON'T EVEN HAVEDOGGY KENNELS ANYMORE.

YOU SEE THIS ON CNN?

WE GOT DOGGY HOTELS.

WE GOT PEOPLE SLEEPINGON THE STREETS IN THIS COUNTRY

YET SOMEWHERE THERE'S A POODLEPISSED OFF BECAUSE A MAID

DIDN'T LEAVE A LIV-A-SNAPON HIS PILLOW LAST NIGHT.

"HEY, YOU NEED TOWELS IN THERE?"

( barking )

"OH, I DIDN'T SEE THEDO NOT DISTURB SIGN, I'M SORRY."

I LOVE ANIMALS, FOLKS

BUT I HATE THESEANIMAL ACTIVISTS.

WE GOT PEOPLE BREAKING INTOLABORATORIES AND STEALING PETS.

WE DO EXPERIMENTS ON ANIMALSFOR A REASON--

TO PROLONG OUR LIFE.

IF HOOKING A MONKEY'S BRAIN UPTO A CAR BATTERY

IS GOING TO SAVE SOMEBODYFROM DYING OF AIDS IN TEN YEARS

I GOT TWO THINGS TO SAY--

THE RED IS POSITIVE,AND THE BLACK IS NEGATIVE, OKAY?