Nate Bargatze - Worst Life Ever

  • Season 15 , Ep 6
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 12,706

Nate Bargatze wants to eat a miserable, not free range chicken, who was ready to die. (3:03)

ANIMALS HAVE IT THE WORST.THE WORST.

THEY DIETERRIBLE DEATHS.

I HEARD A STORY--THIS KID, HE HAD TWO GOLDFISH,

SO HE GRABBED ONE OF THEM,HE SQUEEZED IT, IT EXPLODED.

YEAH, THAT'SPRETTY CRAZY.

I DON'T FEEL BADFOR THAT GOLDFISH.

LIKE, YOU KNOW,HE DIED QUICKLY.

I FEEL BAD FORTHE OTHER GOLDFISH

THAT JUST HAS TO DEALWITH THAT TRAUMA NOW.

[audience laughing]

YOU KNOW HOWINSANE THAT WOULD BE?

THEY'RE NOT GONNA GO BUYTHIS KID ANOTHER FISH.

HE'S KILLIN' 'EMLIKE HE'S GOTTA--

IMAGINE IF YOU'RE LOCKEDIN A ROOM WITH SOMEONE

AND THEY JUST EXPLODED.

IT WOULD CHANGEYOUR LIFE FOREVER.

YOU'RE LIKE, "CAN I GETSOMEONE ELSE TO TALK TO?"

THEY'RE LIKE, "NO."--YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT?

"I JUST GOTTA DEAL WITHTHIS IN MY OWN HEAD?

"THIS IS THEWORST LIFE EVER."

I STILL LIKE TOEAT ANIMALS, TOO.

LIKE, I DON'T-- THAT STORYDOESN'T HAVE "NOT EAT ANIMALS."

I-I LIKECHICKEN A LOT.

I'M A BIGFAN OF CHICKEN.

IT'S WEIRD NOW, BECAUSE I WENTTO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY

TO BUY SOME ANDWHEN I WAS THERE--

NOW THEY HAVE LIKE TWO KINDSOF CHICKEN THAT YOU CAN BUY.

SO THEY HAVE A FREERANGE CHICKEN, IS ONE,

AND THEN, THEY HAVE I GUESSLIKE A NOT FREE RANGE...

LIKE I THINK HISPARENTS WERE DIVORCED

OR SOME--I DON'T-I DON'T KNOW.

SO, THEY WANT YOU TO EATTHE FREE RANGE CHICKEN,

WHICH IS THE CHICKEN THATIS ALLOWED TO ROAM FREE.

UH, OBVIOUSLYNOT NOW.

LIKE HE IS DEADAT THE STORE.

[audience laughing]

BUT THEY STILL HAVE A LISTOF HIS HOBBIES ON THE PACKAGE,

WHICH I THOUGHT, "THAT-THAT'SPRETTY NICE OF 'EM, YOU KNOW."

BUT I-I DON'T WANNAEAT THAT CHICKEN.

I FEEL BAD-- I DON'T EATA CHICKEN THAT HAD A DREAM,

AND THAT WAS THAT CHICKEN--LIFE WAS GREAT FOR THAT GUY.

I JUST WANT A MISERABLE,NOT FREE-RANGE CHICKEN.

I WANNA EAT A CHICKENTHAT WHEN THEY KILLED IT,

HE WAS LIKE, "LOOK, I'MREADY FOR THIS, ALL RIGHT?

"THIS IS BRUTAL!

[applause]

"THIS IS THE WORST."

OH, WHEN I WAS AT, UH, WHENI WAS AT THE GROCERY STORE,

I GOT CAUGHT LIKE IN THISWEIRD LIKE THING WITH THIS DUDE,

SO I WASSTANDING IN LINE

AND I WAS BEHINDTHIS GUY, THIS WHITE GUY

AND I WALK-- HE PULLEDOUT THE WHITE RACE CARD.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOUALL KNEW WE HAD A CARD,

BUT, HE,LIKE, HAD ONE.

SO... I'M STANDINGBEHIND HIM

AND I JUST HEARHIM, LIKE, ARGUE.

I COULD HEAR HIMJUST GO LIKE,

"WHAT IS IT,'CAUSE I'M WHITE?

"IS THAT WHY YOU'RE DOINGTHIS, 'CAUSE I'M WHITE?"

AND HE LOOKED AT MELIKE I'M HIS BROTHER.

LIKE, "HEY, ARE YOUGONNA GET INVOLVED?

"YOU GONNA-- COME ON?"

I WAS LIKE SITTING THERE--I WAS LIKE, "NO.

"I-I'M NOT GETTINGINVOLVED IN THIS.

"I'M NOT READY FORSOMETHING LIKE THIS.

"I THINK, I THINK YOU'RETHE FIRST GUY EVER TO TRY THIS,

"TO BE HONEST WITH YA.

[audience laughing]

"I'M NOTPREPARED, AT ALL.

"IF YOU WANTEDME TO HELP YOU,

"YOU SHOULD HAVE PULLEDME ASIDE EARLIER.

"YOU SHOULD HAVEGRABBED ME, LIKE,

"'LOOK, I'M GONNAMAKE HISTORY TODAY.'

"'DO YOU WANNA BEA PART OF THIS OR NOT?

"'IT'S YOUR CALL.'"

[applause]

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