Richard Jeni - Condoms

  • Season 6, Ep 3
  • 05/05/2002
  • Views: 5,719

Richard Jeni goes on a lying rampage about condoms. (1:22)

TO STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP,

RIGHT FOLKS?

YEAH, NO CONDOM, THAT'S GOOD.

NO CONDOM.

YEAH!

I ACTUALLY HAD A WOMAN ASK ME

SHE GOES, "RICH, TELL THE TRUTH,

WE'RE JUST FRIENDS STANDING

AT A BAR, DO MEN MIND WEARING

THE CONDOM?"

YOU EVER BEEN DRINKING AND THEN

START LYING AND YOU JUST CAN'T

STOP?

JUST ON A RUNAWAY TRAIN OF CRAP

WHERE YOU JUST GET GOING.

DO YOU MIND WEARING THE CONDOM?

I'M THERE WITH A DRINK GOING,

"MIND?

AH-HA.

(CLINK)

CONTRAIRE.

I PREFER THE CONDOM SOMETIMES

I WEAR 5, 10 AT A TIME.

WHY WOULD I MIND?

THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE IN THE

SENSATION UNLESS YOU COUNT

THE TOTAL LACK OF ANY.

IN FACT, I WISH I HAD A CONDOM

ON RIGHT NOW AT THE BAR.

IF ONLY I HAD A PIECE OF

DISGUSTING GREASY RUBBER

JUST STRANGLING THE BASE OF MY

TALLYWACKER WITH ENOUGH FORCE

TO CAUSE MY EYES TO FLY OUT ON

SPRINGS, LIKE SOMEBODY IN A

WARNER BROTHERS CARTOON,

AND RIPPING OUT PUBIC HAIR IN

EIGHT DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS...

WHAT A NIGHT.

I LOVE A TIGHT RIPPY FEELING

IN THE CROTCH.

IT RELAXES ME.

IN FACT, THAT'S HOW I GO

TO ASLEEP AT NIGHT.

GET IN MY FAVORITE CHAIR,

PUT ON A FEZ, GET NAKED,

AND GET OUT A MONKEY WRENCH.

START TIGHTENING THAT BABY

RIGHT AROUND THE BASE OF THE OLD

JOHNSON.

THEN I LIKE TO GET OUT THE

NEEDLE NOSE PLIERS AND START

YANKING OUT PUBIC HAIR IN

CLUMPS.

AND I'LL BE A MONKEY'S UNCLE

IF I'M NOT SLEEPING LIKE A BABY

IN FIVE MINUTES.

(SNORES)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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