The League of Exculpatory Gentlemen

September 10, 2014 - Ban Ki-moon 09/10/2014 Views: 582,166

Professional football player Ray Rice faces indefinite expulsion from the NFL after an explicit video emerges of him beating his then-fiancee in an elevator. (7:34)

>> Jon: WHOA, WELCOME TO THEDAILY SHOW!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Jon: MY NAME IS JON

STEWART AND WE HAVE A GOODPROGRAM FOR YOU TONIGHT.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, THESECRETARY-GENERAL OF THE

UNITED NATIONS BAN KI-MOONIS GOING TO BE JOINING US

HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE, YOUKNOW, I REALLY DON'T KNOW

WHY HE'S GOING TO BE HERE.

(LAUGHTER)I'M EXCITED, I'M EXCITED,

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY.

BUT FIRST, YOU MAY REMEMBEREARLIER THIS YEAR, THE WHAT DO

YOU CALL IT THERE BALTIMORERAVENS RAY RICE FOUND HIMSELF

IN A BIT OF HOT WATER WHEN ANATLANTIC CITY CASINO SECURITY

CAMERA CAUGHT HIM DRAGGING HISFIANCEE'S UNCONSCIOUS BODY OUT

OF AN ELEVATOR AFTER HE HADASSAULTED HER BECAUSE A

GENTLEMAN WOULD NEVER LEAVE HISFIANCEE'S

UNCONSCIOUS BODYUNATTENDED IN AN ELEVATOR, I

MEAN -- IT WAS THE SORT OFDISPECTABLE ACT OUR SOCIETY

WOULD NOT TOLERATE.

AND THE JUSTICE SYSTEM HADNO CHOICE BUT TO THROW THE

BOOK AT RICE.

SPECIFICALLY A BOOK TITLEDSO YOU'RE SENTENCED TO

COUNSELLING, A VIOLENTOFFENDER'S GUIDE TO LENIENT

PUNISHMENT.

BUT NOT TO WORRY, THE NFLJUMPED IN TO FILL THE

JUSTICE VOID.

>> NFL COMMISSIONER ROGERGOODELL SLAPPED RAY RICE

WITH A TWO GAME SUSPENSION.

>> Jon: TWO!

NOT ONE.

(LAUGHTER)BUT TWO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)TWO!

A TWO-GAME SLAP.

TWO GAME SLAP, ONE FOR EACHWRIST.

DON'T. NO.

THEN AFTER A RATHERVOCIFEROUS AND NEGATIVE

RESPONSE TO THE PERCEIVEDCODDLING OF THE ALL-PRO

ELEVATOR PUNCHER, THE NFLRECOGNIZED THE ERRORS OF ITS

WAYS.

>> THE NFL ANNOUNCINGPLAYERS WILL GET A SIX GAME

SUSPENSION FOR THEIR FIRSTDOMESTIC VIOLENCE

OFFENSE.

>> Jon: AH!

LET THAT BE A LESSON.

TO NFL PLAYERS EVERYWHERE.

IF YOU HIT A WOMAN, THEYWILL NOT LET YOU HIT A MAN

FOR SIX MORE WEEKS.

(LAUGHTER)THE POINT IS--

(APPLAUSE)I WOULD SAY AT THAT POINT

CASE CLOSED.

UNTIL THIS WEEK.

>> IT'S THE SECOND SHOCKINGVIDEO TO SURFACE.

TMZ RELEASING THIS TAPE OFBALTIMORE RAVENS PLAYER RAY

RICE BRUTALLY KNOCKING OUTHIS THEN FIANCEE JANAY

PALMER.

>> THE NFL AMMENDED HISTWO-GAME SENTENCE AND

KICKED HIM OUT OF THE LEAGUEINDEFINITELY.

>> NIKE CUT TIES WITHRAY RICE, SCRUBBED ALL RICE

ITEMS FROM THEIR WEB STORE. INBALTIMORE LOCAL MERCHANTS

HAVE LAUNCHED A KINDOF BUYBACK PROGRAM TO GET

RICE JERSEYS OFF THE STREET.

>> Jon: RICEARONI ISCHANGING ITS NAME.

IT WILL NOW BE REFERRED TOAS SIMMERED GRAIN-A-RONI.

RICE UNIVERSITY WILL NOW BEREFERRED TO AS THE

UNIVERSITY WHERE WE DO NOTPUNCH LADIES IN ELEVATORS.

WHERE TO TURN.

WHERE TO TURN.

THAT IS AN UNWIELDY NAME FORA UNIVERSITY.

WHERE TO TURN FORPERSPECTIVE ON A CASE LIKE

THIS.

WELL, THIS BEING THE NFL, ITTURNS OUT YOU COULD TURN TO

ANOTHER MAN NAMED RAY WHOPLAYED FOR THE BALTIMORE

RAVENS AND WAS ALSO PUNISHEDFOR HIS PART IN A VIOLENT

CRIME.

>> PEOPLE WILL TRY TO DRAWTHIS COMPARISON, HOW DO YOU

SEE THAT.

>> THERE IS NO COMPARISON,YOU KNOW, THERE IS NO

COMPARISON OF ME AND RAYRICE.

IT'S NIGHT AND DAY.

IT'S NIGHT AND DAY OFANYTHING WE'VE EVER BEEN THROUGH

AND THAT'S WHY BOTH SITUATIONSARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

>> Jon: HOW DARE YOU SAYWE'RE THE SAME?

I WOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN!

I WOULD OBSTRUCTJUSTICE IN A MURDER CASE BUT

THAT-- BUT THAT IS WHERE IDRAW THE LINE.

(LAUGHTER)MY FAVORITE PART OF THAT

VIDEO IS-- IS WHAT HAPPENSNEXT.

>> STEVE, WHAT'S YOURREACTION?

>> OOF.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: OOF INDEED.

BUT HERE'S MY MAIN QUESTION.

BACK IN JULY THE NFL FELTTHIS CRIME WAS ONLY WORTHY

OF A TWO GAME SUSPENSION.

BUT NOW SUDDENLY IT'S ALIFETIME OF EXILE.

SO WHAT CHANGED?

>> DID YOU REALLY NEED TOSEE A VIDEOTAPE OF RAY RICE

PUNCHING HER IN THE FACE TOMAKE THIS DECISION?

>> NO, WE CERTAINLY DIDN'T.

AND I WOULD TELL YOU THATWHAT WE SAW IN THE FIRST

VIDEOTAPE WAS TROUBLING TOUS IN AND OF ITSELF.

BUT WHAT WE SAW YESTERDAYWAS EXTREMELY CLEAR, IS

EXTREMELY GRAPHIC, AND ITWAS SICKENING.

AND THAT'S WHY WE TOOK THEACTION WE TOOK YESTERDAY.

>> Jon: SO YOU DID NEED TOSEE RAY RICE PUNCHING HER IN

THE FACE TO MAKE THISDECISION WHICH BEGS THE

QUESTION, WHY HADN'TYOU SEEN THAT VIDEO.

>> WE ASKED FOR VIDEO, BUTWE WERE NEVER GRANTED THAT

OPPORTUNITY.

>> Jon: GRANTED THATOPPORTUNITY.

YOU WERE NEVER GRANTED THATOPPORTUNITY.

REALLY?

THE KING OF VIDEO NEVERBESTOWED UPON YOU THE

OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU ARE JUSTA SIMPLE PEASANT BOY

COMMISSIONER ARMED WITH ONLYYOUR WIT, THE CLOTHES UPON

YOUR BACK AND BILLIONS INDOLLARS WORTH OF THE MOST

HIGH-POWERED TEAM OF LAWYERSIN THE HISTORY OF MAN.

OH, LITTLE OLIVER.

PLEASE, SIR, PLEASE, SIR.

(APPLAUSE)MAY I?

PLEASE, SIR, MAY I SEE THETAPE?

THE TAPE, NO!

HERE'S THE ONLY PROBLEM WITHTHAT STORY.

>> THE AP IS NOW REPORTINGTHAT A LAW ENFORCEMENT

OFFICIAL DID, INDEED, SEND ACOPY OF THE RAY RICE VIDEO

TO AN NFL EXECUTIVE BACK INAPRIL.

>> Jon: YOU DONE [BLEEP] UP.WELL IT ONLY MAKES SENSING

APRIL, THAT'S THE OFF SEASON.

(LAUGHTER)SO YOU HAD THE TAPE, AND YOU

WANT US TO BELIEVE THAT YOUDID NOT LOOK AT IT?

WELL, I THINK WE'RE ALLPRETTY AWARE OF THE NFL'S

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE TAPEWATCHING ADDICTIONS.

FOR GOD'S SAKES, YOU GET 24ANGLES AND HIGH RES SLOW

MOTION JUST TO SEE WHETHEROR NOT A MAN'S KNEE GOES

OVER AN IMAGINARY LINEBEFORE HIS HAND CROSSES A

DIFFERENT IMAGINARY LINE.

AND THAT IN STADIUM SYSTEMHAS A BUILT-IN REMOTE

BACKUP.

>> IMMEDIATELY AFTER A CALLIS CHALLENGED THE NFL

OFFICIATING COMMAND CENTERIN NEW YORK WILL BEGIN

REVIEWING REPLAYS.

>> Jon: THE NFL OFFICIATINGCOMMAND CENTER.

YOU'D THINK THEY WERELAUNCHING NUKES RATHER THAN

CONFIRMING IF THE BALL HAD,INDEED, TOUCHED THE GROUND

FIRST.

(LAUGHTER)SO NFL, PERHAPS NEXT TIME

YOU ATTEMPT TO BURY THEDAMAGING INFORMATION ABOUT

YOUR LEAGUE'S CONDUCT, IGUESS WE'LL KNOW TO THROW THE

RED CHALLENGE FLAG.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.