Demetri Martin - New Cigarettes

Demetri Martin: Standup Comedian 09/29/2012 Views: 18,429

Demetri Martin has come up with a new way to make smoking look less cool. (2:02)

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We can't get peopleto quit smoking,

and warningsdon't work.

I think you gottachange the cigarettes.

You know what I mean?

If you change the shapeof the cigarettes,

maybe that would do it.

Like, if you had a cigarettethat had, like,

two ballshanging from it.

"This doesn't look as coolas it used to.

I gotta quit.This is ridiculous."

"Surgeon general warning:

cigarette may containtiny, hairy balls."

When somebody commitsa murder-suicide,

that's probably someone

who's not thinking throughthe afterlife.

"Bam! You're dead.

"Bam! I'm dead.

"Oh, hey.

"Oh, [bleep].

This is gonnabe awkward forever."

When there's somebodywho's dead,

and then someonedoes something

that that personwould not have liked,

they say that that personis spinning in their grave,

but I don't understandwhy they say that.

Why is spinning the waythat a corpse shows disapproval?

That doesn't makeany sense.

I mean, if weshowed disapproval

that waywhen we were alive,

then it would make sense.

"Oh, man, I am so pissedat you right now.

You have no ideahow mad I am."

"Oh, [bleep],Demetri's spinning.

Let's get out of here."

If I livedbelow a tap dancer,

I would just putreally powerful magnets

on the ceiling.

"What's that?

"We're not tapping [bleep] now,are we?

"More of a tap standerwe got up there.

"Oh, now we're moving.

"Oh, over to the window.Look at that.

Ah, there we go."