Kristen Schaal - Dramatic Reenactment

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 02/05/2010
  • Views: 16,225

Kristen Schaal's father was captured by the Persians during the Persian Gulf War. (5:24)

MY MOM AND MY DAD MET WHENMY DAD WAS FIGHTING

IN THE PERSIAN GULF WAR,THE GREAT ONE,

AND HE WAS FIGHTING HARDERTHAN HE'S EVER FOUGHT

IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE,

BUT HE STILL GOT CAPTUREDBY THE PERSIANS, SO--

(laughter)

YEAH, HARROWING.

SO WHAT THEY DID TO MY DADIS THEY DRUG HIM

TO THIS ABANDONED WAREHOUSEWHERE THEY DEMANDED

THAT HE REVEAL ALL OFTHE AMERICAN SECRETS.

UM, THERE'S ONLY ONE,BUT IT'S A GOOD ONE.

AND I'M NOT GONNA SAY ITOUT LOUD

'CAUSE THIS SHOW'S BEINGHOSTED BY A FOREIGNER.

(laughter)

BUT WE KNOW--WE KNOWWHAT IT IS,

SO, UM, HE REFUSEDTO REVEAL THE SECRET,

AND THEY ORDERED HIM TO STRIPDOWN TO HIS UNDERWEAR,

AND MY DAD WORE THESETIGHTY-WHITEY BOXER BRIEFS,

UH, WITH THESE FRENCH CUTSUP THE SIDE HERE.

DO THEY STILL MAKE THOSE?

AND HE HAS THIS INCREDIBLETATTOO OF A BALD EAGLE

JUST SPREAD ACROSS HIS CHEST,

AND IT'S GIVING BIRTHTO A COYOTE.

(laughter)

RIGHT HERE.

AND THE COYOTE IS JUSTFRESH TO THE WORLD

AND DRIPPING WITH PLACENTA,AND--AND IT'S STARVING,

SO IT IS GOING TO TOWNON THE STOMACH OF A DEER,

JUST EATING IT,AND THE ENTRAILS OF THE DEER

JUST PEEKING OUTEVER SO SUBTLY

FROM THE FRENCH CUTSUP THE SIDE.

SO THAT'S MY DAD.

(laughter)

AND EVEN IN HIS STATUESQUEYET VULNERABLE STATE,

HE STILL REFUSED TO REVEALTHE SECRET, THANK GOD.

SO WHAT THEY DID WAS THEYSTRAPPED HIM INTO A CHAIR

SO THAT HE COULDN'T MOVEA MUSCLE,

AND THEY INSTALLED A FAUCETOVER HIS HEAD

THAT WOULD DRIP JUST ONE DROPOF WATER METHODICALLY

ON HIS FOREHEAD,SO THAT HE WOULD LOSE HIS MIND.

IT'S CALLEDCHINESE WATER TORTURE

FOR ALL OF YOUTHAT ARE NOT CHINESE.

THE TORTURE THAT THEY ARECOMING UP WITH IN CHINA

IS SO CREATIVE.

THEY HAVE THIS OTHER METHODWHERE THEY'LL TAKE A BAMBOO

AND THEY'LL PLANT ITIN YOUR ANUS

AND JUST LET IT GROW.

(laughter)

SO PATIENT!

MAN, WATCH OUT FOR CHINA,I SAY.

THEY HAVE ALL THE AMBITIONAS WE DO

BUT NONE OF THE HEART.

(laughter)

SO THERE WAS MY DAD.

NOW JUST IN CASE YOU'REOUT THERE SITTING THERE

THINKING, "I DON'T THINKTHIS STORY IS TRUE.

I THINK SHE'S MAKING THIS UP,"

WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT,I BROUGHT MY DAD HERE TONIGHT

TO DO A DRAMATIC REENACTMENT

TO PROVE TO YOU THATIT HAPPENED.

SO THIS IS MY DAD,KARL SCHAAL.

IF YOU COULD COME OUT?MY DAD.

(cheers and applause)

SLOW DOWN, DAD.SLOW DOWN.

OKAY, SO, DAD,

SO, OKAY, SO YOU WERESITTING LIKE YOU WERE.

REMEMBER HOW YOU WERETIED UP NOW.

NOW, DAD, I THOUGHT THAT WEAGREED THAT YOU'D COME OUT

WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT SO THATTHEY COULD SEE THE TATTOO.

OKAY, I GUESS THE WORLD'SNOT READY. OKAY.

SO THERE YOU ARE.YOU ARE TIED DOWN, RIGHT?

AND THERE IS A DRIPJUST COMING DOWN,

DRIVING YOU NUTS,RIGHT, DAD?

AND YOU WOULDN'T REVEALTHE SECRET,

AND WHAT WASTHE SECRET, DAD?

HE'S GOOD.HE'S GOOD.

SO PATRIOTIC.OKAY.

SO THERE'S MY DAD,AND HE'S JUST LOSING HIS--

MY GOD, THAT MUST HAVE BEENAWFUL FOR YOU.

OKAY,AND THEN, UM.

ON THE FOURTH NIGHT,MY MOM, WHO WAS THE ENEMY,

SNUCK INTO THE WAREHOUSE,AND YES, I DID BRING MY MOM.

PAM SCHAAL,IF SHE COULD COME OUT.

SHE IS.OKAY.

(cheers and applause)

MY MOM.ALL RIGHT.

SO NOW, MOM,

SO YOU WERE THE ENEMY, RIGHT?AND YOU SNUCK IN.

AND YOU ARE JUST OVERCOME

BY DAD'S COURAGEAND HIS INK, RIGHT?

OKAY, SO, UM--(laughter)

SO NOW WHAT YOU DID NEXT WAS--DIDN'T YOU--

YOU SAT ON DAD'S LAP,RIGHT?

DO YOU WANT TO REENACT THATFOR EVERYBODY?

WHAT HAPPENED THERE?OKAY.

THERE YOU GO.

OKAY. WELL, I THOUGHT YOUSTRADDLED HIM,

BUT I WASN'T THERE.

SO IT'S FINE. OKAY.SO THIS IS THE BEST PART.

SO, MOM,OKAY, YOU THIS IS--

SO YOUR LONGBLONDE HAIR BACK THEN

WAS JUST WHIPPINGIN DAD'S FACE, RIGHT?

SO YOUNG--AND, UM--

AND THIS IS TOUGH 'CAUSE,YOU KNOW, HE WAS THE PRISONER,

BUT ALSO POSSIBLYTHE FUTURE FATHER

OF AN AMAZING CHILD,RIGHT?

SO WHAT DID YOU DO NEXT,MOM?

THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART.WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU DID HIM,DIDN'T YOU, MOM?

DID HIM, AND THAT'S HOWI WAS BORN.(applause)

HOW I WAS BORN.BEAUTIFUL.

THIS IS MY MOM AND DAD,AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.

(cheers and applause)

Loading...