Brendon Walsh - My 1800's Inventor Beard

  • Season 2 , Ep 4
  • 04/14/2011
  • Views: 16,446

Brendon Walsh's facial hair makes him look a bit like Alexander Graham Bell, or perhaps one of the burglars from Home Alone. (3:14)

I WAS JUST HANGING OUT WITHMY STUPID IDIOT FRIEND.

HE BOUGHT A NEW CELL PHONE,

AND HE DOESN'T KNOWHOW TO WORK IT.

AND THE WHOLE TIMEWE'RE HANGING OUT,

HE'S ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUTHOW TO OPERATE HIS PHONE,

AND I WAS LIKE,I DON'T KNOW, DUDE.

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE,ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL?

(laughter)

AND WE AGREED, YEAH, PROBABLY.I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.

THERE'S PROBABLYA SLIGHT RESEMBLANCE.

I DO KIND OF HAVEAN 1800s INVENTOR BEARD.

OH, IT'S A GREAT LOOK.

SOME LADIES STOPPED MEON THE STREET TODAY

JUST SO SHE CAN TELL METHAT SHE THINKS I LOOK LIKE

ONE OF THE BURGLARSFROM "HOME ALONE."

(laughter and applause)

IS THAT A COMPLIMENT?

I TOLD HER SHE LOOKEDLIKE JOE PESCI,

AND TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

(laughs)

I WAS FEELING COOL TODAY.

I WAS WALKING AROUND TODAY,TOO,

AND I THOUGHT I SAW A COUPLEOF TEENAGE GIRLS

CHECKING ME OUT,YOU KNOW?

BUT THENWHEN I WALKED PAST THEM,

I JUST OVERHEARDTHE ONE TELLING HER FRIEND,

"THERE GOES YOUR BOYFRIEND,SHEILA. (mocking laugh)"

(laughter)

SHE GAVE ME ONE OF THOSE.

IT'S NO FUN BEING ONTHE RECEIVING END OF THAT JOKE.

I'M NOT SHEILA'S BOYFRIEND.

(laughter)

I'M NOBODY'S BOYFRIEND.I'M A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

JUST LIKE EVERY OTHERSTAND-UP COMEDIAN EVER,

I, TOO, HAVE RECENTLY BROKEN UPWITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

(laughter)

(laughs) THEY MAKE YOU DO THATWHEN YOU REGISTER

DOWN AT THE STAND-UP COMEDYOFFICE.

YOU HAVE TO INVENTA RELATIONSHIP AND THEN END IT

FOR THE PURPOSEOF A DUMB JOKE.

I BROKE UP WITHMY LAST GIRLFRIEND.

I'M BAD AT BREAKING UPWITH PEOPLE.

I HATE CONFRONTATION.

I BROKE UP WITH MY LASTGIRLFRIEND OVER THE PHONE.

WELL, I BROKE UP WITH HERVIA VOICE MAIL.

(audience groans)IS THAT TACKY?

HEAR ME OUT!

I DIDN'T LEAVE A MESSAGEON HER VOICEMAIL.

I LEFT IT IN THE OUTGOINGMESSAGE ON MY VOICEMAIL.

(laughter)

IT'S A WAY LESSCONFRONTATIONAL THAT WAY.

YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR HERTO CALL,

AND SHE GETS THE MESSAGE.

IT'S LIKE, "HELLO,YOU'VE REACHED BRENDAN'S PHONE.

IF THIS IS SUSAN,IT'S OVER."

HIT THE BRICKS!(laughs)

SHE WAS--SHE GAVE MY PENIS A NICKNAME.

ANY LADIES EVER DO THATFOR THEIR GUYS?

GIVE THEIR PENISA BIG SCARY NICKNAME?

(laughs)

SHE GAVE MY PENISAN AWESOME NICKNAME.

I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG,BUT, UH,

SHE USED TO CALL MY PENIS"MICROSOFT."

(laughter)

I KNOW RIGHT?

IT'S A HUGE COMPANY,DUDE.

THAT'S LIKE ONEOF THE BIGGEST,

MOST POWERFUL COMPANIESON THE PLANET.

IT'S GOT MILLIONSOF EMPLOYEES.

ACTUALLY I'LL BE HONESTWITH YOU, FOLKS,

BEFORE I CAME HERE TONIGHT,

I LAID OFF A FEW MILLIONEMPLOYEES FROM MICROSOFT

BACK AT MY HOTEL ROOM.

(laughter and applause)

TWO ROUNDS OF MASSIVE LAYOFFS.

(laughs)

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