Confronting Mummy & Meeting Matt Lauer

  • Season 2 , Ep 210
  • 09/01/2011
  • Views: 28,438

[knock at the door]

- FRANCIS, YOU AND YOUR

CIRCUS FREAK ENTOURAGEDON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.

NOW GO FETCH MY BAG BALM

AND MASSAGE MUMMY'S THIGHS.

- YES, MUMMY.

- MRS. GRIMES.

YOUR SON HAS SOMETHINGTO TELL YOU.

- MUMMY, I LIED TO YOU.

I WASN'T RUNNING THE D.O.I.

THIS ISN'T MY MANSERVANT,AND SHE ISN'T MY WIFE.

I'D NEVER [bleep] SOMEONELIKE THAT.

I'M JUST THE LOWLYHEAD OF SECURITY HERE.

BUT I LIKE MY LIFE.

IT FITS ME LIKEAN ITCHY CHRISTMAS SWEATER.

CAN'T YOU BE HAPPY FOR ME?

- FRANCIS, I'M SO SORRY...

- OH, BOY.

THIS--THIS A REAL OPRAH MOMENT.

- SORRY THAT YOU WENT SO SOFTWHILE I WAS GONE.

YOU NEED SOME DISCIPLINE.

- AW!

- YOUR BOTTOMIS COMPLETELY UNSHAVEN.

ARE YOU EVEN FEELING THIS

THROUGH THIS BUTT JUNGLEOF YOURS?

- MUMMY, YOUR REIGN OF GUILT

AND INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHINGMY BATHING SUIT AREA IS OVER.

[gunshot]

- GRIMES, YOU DID IT.

YOU KILLED YOUR MOTHER.

- I DON'T THINK SO.

- FEEL MY MOTHERLY WRATH!

I SUMMON THE ARMYOF MY ANCESTORS

TO TEACH MY SON A LESSON.

[all shouting]

- WHAT ARE WE DOINGAT THE TODAY SHOW?

AND WHY DID YOU INSISTI DRESS LIKE THIS?

- IT'S ALWAYS BEENA PERSONAL GOAL OF MINE

TO APPEAR ON THE TODAY SHOW.

- HUH?

- AND THEY ALWAYS TALKTO VETERANS AND THEIR NURSES.

- BUT I'M NOT A VETERAN.

- HEY, MAN, IF YOU DON'T WANTTO HELP ME, I TOTALLY GET IT.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKEI'M A FLOATING BRAIN

WITH A FEAR OF HEIGHTS

OR A FISH-MANWHO CAN'T SWIM.

- NO, I WANT TO HELP.

THIS JUST SEEMS A LITTLE WEIRD.

- HELLO, SOLDIER.

PRIVATE LAUER HERE,

THANKING YOUFOR YOUR SERVICE.

- TELL US ABOUT HOW YOULOST THE USE OF YOUR LEGS.

- DON'T RUIN MY DREAM.

- WELL, PRIVATE LAUER,I WAS SERVING IN COUNTRY.

AND, YEP, GOT INJUREDWHEN CHARLIE JUST OPENED FIRE,

OPENED UP THE FIRE.

IT WAS BAD.

- WELL, HIS CAREGIVER HASA LOT OF WAR STORIES HIMSELF.

I MEAN, HIS CATHETER ALONE,TALK ABOUT A QUAGMIRE.

I MEAN, TALK ABOUT,

"WE SHOULD HAVE PULLED OUTA YEAR AGO."

- BACK OFF, PAL.

THIS IS HIS MOMENT.

JUST LOOK INTO THAT CAMERARIGHT THERE

AND SAY, "WE'LL BE RIGHT BACKAFTER THESE MESSAGES."

- THAT'S MY LINE!

THIS MAN IS A FRAUD.

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