Doug Stanhope - The Ugly One

Pitta, Henton, Tompkins, Kuller, Stanhope Season 2, Ep 2001 09/05/1998 Views: 4,824

Nobody ever talks about being the ugly one in drunken hookups. (3:18)

BUT I'M SURE IT'LL BEAS GOOD AS JERRY SPRINGERWITHOUT THE FIGHTS.

WE WERE SCREWING AROUNDIN THE GREEN ROOM,

AND WE FOUND A VENT GRATEIN ONE OF THE DRESSING ROOMS,

AND YOU CAN ACTUALLY PULL THE FACE OFF THE VENT

AND GO THROUGHTHE VENTILATION SYSTEM,

AND YOU GET TO ANELECTRICAL DUCT THAT GOESDOWN INTO THE GROUND,

AND AT THE BOTTOMIS A MUDDY SEWER PIPE,

AND IF YOU JIMMY YOUR WAYTHROUGH THE SLUDGEFOR 60 YARDS OR SO,

YOU GET TO A BIG VATOF RAW SEWAGE.

BUT OVER IN THE CORNERBY THE CORPSE,

WE FOUND A PLACE YOU CAN SMOKEIN THIS JOINT.

SO IF YOU'RE INTERESTED,I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CARE OR NOT.

YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN BARS,YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN RESTAURANTS,

IT'S SUCHA WASTE OF A HABIT,

'CAUSE THERE'S NOHIGH TO SMOKING,NO EUPHORIA,

IT'S NOT LIKE DRINKING--NOT THAT DRINKING IS THAT GOOD,

BUT IT HAS BENEFITS:

YOU CAN'T SMOKE SOMBODYPRETTY.

THAT'S SUCH A HUGE LIE,ALCOHOL DOES NOT MAKEUGLY PEOPLE ATTRACTIVE,

IT JUST MAKES IT SO THATYOU CARE LESS THEY'RE UGLY.

"EWW, YOU'RE UGLY AS SIN...

"BUT I'LL BONE YA',GET IN THE CAB."

AS MANY STORIES AS YOU HEARABOUT PEOPLE GETTING DRUNK

AND SLEEPING WITHSOMEONE UGLY,

NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT BEIN' THE UGLY ONE.

I WANNA HEARTHOSE STORIES.

BUT NO ONE EVER COMES INTHE NEXT MORNING AND SAYS:

"DID YOU SEE THE CHICKI NAILED LAST NIGHT ?

"WHAT WAS SHE THINKING,OH MY GOD !

"SHE'S WAY BETTER THAN ME,WHO SLIPPED WHAT IN HER DRINK ?"

YOU'RE BRAGGIN' TO YOUR BUDDIESABOUT THE HOT CHICK YOU BONED,

SHE'S TALKIN' ABOUT YOUIN AN "AA" MEETING SOMEWHERE,

"THAT'S WHEN I KNEWI'D HIT MY BOTTOM."

IT'S SO EASY TO BETHE UGLY ONE IN THIS BUSINESS...

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME...ASK THE BAND.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKEIN THIS BUSINESS.

UGLY IS "IN".

IMAGINE HOW MANY TIMES THESEGUYS HAVE BEEN THE MISTAKE.

YOU GET OFFSTAGE,AND SOME DRUNK CHICK,9 SHOTS OF JAGERMEISTER:

"YOU'RE THE FUNNY GUY,YOU WERE PICKING ON ME'CAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY,

"YOU'RE THE STAR."

YOU'RE THE STAR FORABOUT 15 MINUTES AFTERYOU GET OFFSTAGE.

NEXT MORNING, YOU'RE JUSTA BLOATED ALCOHOLIC,DROOLING ON HER PILLOW.

YOU WAKE HER UP TAKIN' A BIGSCREAMING DUMP IN HER BATHROOM.

YOU LEFT A BITE MARK ON HER ASS,HER BOYFRIEND'S COMIN' HOME--

YOU CAN LOOK LIKELEONARDO DICAPRIO,YOU'RE STILL THE UGLY ONE.