Harland Williams - Getting Attacked by Animals

  • Season 9 , Ep 20
  • 06/23/2005
  • Views: 9,541

It's so humiliating to be attacked by a skunk. (4:14)

HAD A FLY IN MY HOUSE LAST WEEK.

YOU EVER GET A FLY IN YOUR

HOUSE, THERE SON, HUH, BIG

GREASY FLY SWIRLING AROUND?

THIS IS WHAT I DID.

I CAUGHT HIM.

PULLED ALL HIS LEGS OFF.

LITTLE BASTARD CAN'T LAND.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S BEEN AIRBORNE FOR

FIVE DAYS!

SO I WENT TO THE DOG PARK,

GOT A BIG LOAF OF BASSET HOUND

POO AND THREW IT ON MY

LIVING ROOM FLOOR JUST TO TEASE

HIM!

HE'S GOING BERSERK.

THAT'S LIKE DANGLING A FAT GUY

OVER A BUFFET!

[LAUGHTER]

GOD, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF

ANIMALS OUT THERE, HUH?

YOU EVER HAVE A FLY IN YOUR

HOUSE, DEAR?

GOD.

ANIMALS, ANIMALS, EVERYWHERE

ANIMALS.

I GOT ATTACKED BY AN ANIMAL

FEW MONTHS AGO.

GOT ATTACKED BY A SKUNK.

YOU EVER BEEN ATTACKED

BY A SKUNK?

WHAT A HUMILIATING ATTACK

THAT IS.

THING RAN RIGHT UP ON ME,

SQUIRTED ASS JUICE ALL OVER

MY FACE.

"THANKS FOR THE ASS SAUCE THERE,

STRIPY McGEE!"

[LAUGHTER]

HOW 'BOUT IN INDIA, THEY GOT

THE SPITTING COBRA.

NOT ONLY DOES IT KILL YOU

BUT THE LAST THING YOU HEAR

BEFORE YOU DIE IS...

"[HOCKS LUGGIE]."

[LAUGHTER]

AND SOME ANIMALS ARE SMART

THE WAY THEY GET YOU, HUH?

HOW 'BOUT THE COYOTE.

THEY'RE CLEVER.

HERE'S HOW THE COYOTES KILL YOU.

WHAT THEY DO IS THEY PAINT

A TARGET IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE HIGHWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YEAH.

[APPLAUSE]

THEY FILL IT UP WITH

ACME BIRDSEED.

YOU BEND DOWN TO EAT THEY DROP

A PIANO ON YOUR HEAD.

A BIG GREASY STEINWAY MADE OF

DEAD ELEPHANT MEAT.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, COYOTES ARE SMART.

BIG THING IN THE PAPER LAST WEEK

TOO, HUH?

NOW DOLPHINS, DOLPHINS

APPARENTLY THE SECOND SMARTEST

CREATURES ON THE PLANET.

SO I WENT DOWN TO SEA WORLD

TO SEE WHAT ALL THE COMMOTION

WAS ABOUT.

I GET UP TO THE DOLPHIN TANK.

LITTLE CHARACTER JUMPS UP

IN HIS TANK, HE'S LIKE,

"[DOLPHIN CLICKS]."

I'M LIKE, "[BLEEP] GENIUS!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I COULD'VE GOT THE SAME

INFORMATION FROM A RETARD!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

REAL SMART.

YOU LIVE IN THE WATER AND YOU

STILL BREATHE AIR, YOU DUMB ASS!

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S SOME ANIMALS WE DON'T

EVEN NEED, ISN'T THERE, HUH?

COME ON, FOLKS.

DO WE NEED THE CROW, FOR CRYING

OUT LOUD?

DO WE NEED CROWS, MY FUNNY

LITTLE FRIENDS?

DIG THIS.

I'M LAYING IN BED THE OTHER

MORNING, RIGHT, HAVING A

WONDERFUL LITTLE SLEEP.

SUNBEAM COMES THROUGH MY WINDOW,

HITS ME IN MY FACE.

MY LITTLE EYES FLUTTER OPEN.

I'M LYING IN BED, AND ALL I CAN

HEAR OUT IN THE GARDEN IS THE

MERRY SONG OF EVERY BIRD IN THE

BIRD KINGDOM.

IT'S LIKE...

[BIRD WHISTLES]

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN...

[SQUAWKS LOUDLY]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[SQUAWKS LOUDLY]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

WHAT IS HE SO PISSED OFF AT

AT 6:00 IN THE MORNING FOR?

IT'S LIKE GOING TO A BEAUTIFUL

OPERA ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

♪ AVE MARIA...

[SQUAWKS LOUDLY]

[LAUGHTER]

GOD, WE HATE CROWS.

DON'T WE, HUH?

WE HATE THEM SO MUCH WE INVENTED

SCARECROWS.

SCARECROWS DON'T SCARE CROWS.

THEY ATTRACT HOMELESS PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

THINK ABOUT IT!

YOU'RE A HOMELESS GUY WALKING

DOWN THE ROAD.

THERE'S SOME NEW CLOTHES IN

A FIELD FULL OF FOOD!

WHAT COULD BE BETTER FOR YOUR

SITUATION?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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