HAD A FLY IN MY HOUSE LAST WEEK.
YOU EVER GET A FLY IN YOUR
HOUSE, THERE SON, HUH, BIG
GREASY FLY SWIRLING AROUND?
THIS IS WHAT I DID.
I CAUGHT HIM.
PULLED ALL HIS LEGS OFF.
LITTLE BASTARD CAN'T LAND.
[LAUGHTER]
HE'S BEEN AIRBORNE FOR
FIVE DAYS!
SO I WENT TO THE DOG PARK,
GOT A BIG LOAF OF BASSET HOUND
POO AND THREW IT ON MY
LIVING ROOM FLOOR JUST TO TEASE
HIM!
HE'S GOING BERSERK.
THAT'S LIKE DANGLING A FAT GUY
OVER A BUFFET!
[LAUGHTER]
GOD, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF
ANIMALS OUT THERE, HUH?
YOU EVER HAVE A FLY IN YOUR
HOUSE, DEAR?
GOD.
ANIMALS, ANIMALS, EVERYWHERE
ANIMALS.
I GOT ATTACKED BY AN ANIMAL
FEW MONTHS AGO.
GOT ATTACKED BY A SKUNK.
YOU EVER BEEN ATTACKED
BY A SKUNK?
WHAT A HUMILIATING ATTACK
THAT IS.
THING RAN RIGHT UP ON ME,
SQUIRTED ASS JUICE ALL OVER
MY FACE.
"THANKS FOR THE ASS SAUCE THERE,
STRIPY McGEE!"
[LAUGHTER]
HOW 'BOUT IN INDIA, THEY GOT
THE SPITTING COBRA.
NOT ONLY DOES IT KILL YOU
BUT THE LAST THING YOU HEAR
BEFORE YOU DIE IS...
"[HOCKS LUGGIE]."
[LAUGHTER]
AND SOME ANIMALS ARE SMART
THE WAY THEY GET YOU, HUH?
HOW 'BOUT THE COYOTE.
THEY'RE CLEVER.
HERE'S HOW THE COYOTES KILL YOU.
WHAT THEY DO IS THEY PAINT
A TARGET IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE HIGHWAY.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, YEAH.
[APPLAUSE]
THEY FILL IT UP WITH
ACME BIRDSEED.
YOU BEND DOWN TO EAT THEY DROP
A PIANO ON YOUR HEAD.
A BIG GREASY STEINWAY MADE OF
DEAD ELEPHANT MEAT.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH, COYOTES ARE SMART.
BIG THING IN THE PAPER LAST WEEK
TOO, HUH?
NOW DOLPHINS, DOLPHINS
APPARENTLY THE SECOND SMARTEST
CREATURES ON THE PLANET.
SO I WENT DOWN TO SEA WORLD
TO SEE WHAT ALL THE COMMOTION
WAS ABOUT.
I GET UP TO THE DOLPHIN TANK.
LITTLE CHARACTER JUMPS UP
IN HIS TANK, HE'S LIKE,
"[DOLPHIN CLICKS]."
I'M LIKE, "[BLEEP] GENIUS!"
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I COULD'VE GOT THE SAME
INFORMATION FROM A RETARD!
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
REAL SMART.
YOU LIVE IN THE WATER AND YOU
STILL BREATHE AIR, YOU DUMB ASS!
[LAUGHTER]
THERE'S SOME ANIMALS WE DON'T
EVEN NEED, ISN'T THERE, HUH?
COME ON, FOLKS.
DO WE NEED THE CROW, FOR CRYING
OUT LOUD?
DO WE NEED CROWS, MY FUNNY
LITTLE FRIENDS?
DIG THIS.
I'M LAYING IN BED THE OTHER
MORNING, RIGHT, HAVING A
WONDERFUL LITTLE SLEEP.
SUNBEAM COMES THROUGH MY WINDOW,
HITS ME IN MY FACE.
MY LITTLE EYES FLUTTER OPEN.
I'M LYING IN BED, AND ALL I CAN
HEAR OUT IN THE GARDEN IS THE
MERRY SONG OF EVERY BIRD IN THE
BIRD KINGDOM.
IT'S LIKE...
[BIRD WHISTLES]
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN...
[SQUAWKS LOUDLY]
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
[SQUAWKS LOUDLY]
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT?
WHAT IS HE SO PISSED OFF AT
AT 6:00 IN THE MORNING FOR?
IT'S LIKE GOING TO A BEAUTIFUL
OPERA ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
♪ AVE MARIA...
[SQUAWKS LOUDLY]
[LAUGHTER]
GOD, WE HATE CROWS.
DON'T WE, HUH?
WE HATE THEM SO MUCH WE INVENTED
SCARECROWS.
SCARECROWS DON'T SCARE CROWS.
THEY ATTRACT HOMELESS PEOPLE.
[LAUGHTER]
THINK ABOUT IT!
YOU'RE A HOMELESS GUY WALKING
DOWN THE ROAD.
THERE'S SOME NEW CLOTHES IN
A FIELD FULL OF FOOD!
WHAT COULD BE BETTER FOR YOUR
SITUATION?
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]