Nick DiPaolo - Astoria, Queens

  • Season 6 , Ep 7
  • 06/02/2002
  • Views: 2,357

Nick DiPaolo doesn't see many terrorists coming out of St. Bart's. (2:24)

CRAZY LIVING IN NEW YORK

WITH THIS WAR GOING ON.

I LIVE IN ASTORIA QUEENS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE'S THE OTHER SIX WHITE

PEOPLE THAT LIVE THERE,

THANK YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S A NICE PLACE IF YOU WANT

TO LIVE IN KHANDAHAR IN 1560,

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, IT'S A...

IT'S ALL MIDDLE-EASTERN PEOPLE.

EVERYBODY'S WALKING AROUND IN

VEILS AND ROBES AND SANDALS

AND LONG BEARDS.

I SAW THE THREE WISE MEN GET OUT

OF A RANGE ROVER LAST WEEK.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY WERE BRINGING A BOX OF MER

INTO AN OTB.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

THERE WERE LIKE TEN OF THEM

AT A BUS STOP, IT LOOKED LIKE

A NATIVITY SCENE, WHAT IS THAT

A MANGER, JEEZ?

LOOKS LIKE A SHEPHERD'S

CONVENTION IN QUEENS.

THE FBI SAYS THEY'RE HAVING

TROUBLE PENETRATING THESE

TERRORIST CELLS.

BULL (BLEEP).

MOVE TO MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

I'VE BEEN BUYING FRUIT FROM THE

TALIBAN FOR FOUR YEARS.

"I'D LIKE TO RETURN THIS

CANTALOUPE."

"WHY?"

"BECAUSE IT'S TICKING,

THAT'S WHY."

(LAUGHTER)

NOBODY SPEAKS ENGLISH ON MY

STREET.

YOU KNOW, THE FBI IS LOOKING

FOR PEOPLE WHO SPEAK ARABIC

AND FARSAII TO HELP EM OUT.

YEAH, SO AM I SO I CAN GET A

PACK OF CIGARETTES IN UNDER

TWENTY MINUTES.

(LAUGHTER)

BUSH SAYS HE'S GONNA BOMB

ANYBODY HARBORING TERRORISTS.

THERE GOES MY BUILDING.

(LAUGHTER)

AFGHANISTAN, WHAT A GORGEOUS

COUNTRY, HUH?

HMM.

I SAW THAT ON THE NEWS THE OTHER

NIGHT.

I'M WATCHING FOX.

I'M GOING LOOK AT THAT, I COULD

NEVER LIVE IN THAT (BLEEP) HOLE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT'S MY CAR.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT A DUMP.

IT'S HARD TO SEE WHY ANYONE

WHO GREW UP THERE WOULD WANT

TO GET INVOLVED IN A SUICIDE.

IF I GREW UP THERE, I'D BE DYING

IN THE NAME OF PORKY PIG, OKAY?

I DON'T SEE TOO MANY SUICIDE

BOMBERS COMING OUT OF ST. BARTS.

YEAH, I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU WITH

THE JIHAD IF I GET A PARASAIL

LESSON AT 4 O'CLOCK.

GOOD LUCK.

I'M GOING TO GET BLOWN BEHIND

THIS PALM TREE AT FIVE.

I HOPE IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU,

MUHAMMAD.

HMM-MM.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK BIN LADEN IS A

HOMOSEXUAL.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, IT SAYS RIGHT IN THE

KARAN, IF YOU DIE IN THE NAME OF

ALLAH, YOU'RE GOING TO RECEIVE

72 VIRGINS.

SO WHY IS HE RUNNING?

APPARENTLY, (BLEEP)

IS KRYPTONITE TO THIS GUY,

YOU KNOW?

IF YOU TOLD ME I WAS GOING

TO SEE 72 VIRGINS WHEN I DIED,

I'D BE IN THE DESERT WITH A

BULLS-EYE TAPED TO MY NUTS!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PLEASE, PUT TWO IN THE BACK

OF MY HEAD, WILL YOU?

I GOT BLUE BALLS, HELP ME OUT

HERE.

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