A while back, a friendof mine convinced me
that I'd feel even betterif I had a-- a colonic.
And I said, I thinkyou're projecting.
But, she says, no, butseriously, seriously, you
will feel-- It'llchange your life.
Which is I guess it's kind ofa testament to how my life is
going that I was so easilyconvinced that it could be
improved by lettinga stranger rinse
my tract, which,that's what they do.
Well, first, you haveto make an appointment.
And so I-- I-- Imake the appointment
and I go down there.
And they have this--you know, you go.
And there's a reception.You fill out a form.
And then they have this new agemusic playing, which kind of
gives you a littlesense of security.
You start to relax.
Oh, this is going tobe-- kind of nice.
And then, you, wait a minute.
That's what they want--from me to relax,
so they can snake melike a clogged drain.
And I can't, I can't, I can'tremember exactly the name
of the-- the name of myperson, my colon hygienist.
Oh, it's freaky.
She comes out.
I was a little relaxed when Isaw her, because she was kind
of a mellow person with--I don't remember her name
exactly-- I can't evenremember her name.
But it was one ofthose California names,
like Rainbow orSunshine-- one of those
don't trust her withyour checkbook names.
Anyway, and at thatpoint, I hadn't even
allowed myself to consider thepossibility that it might not
be a woman to performthe procedure on me.
Anyway, so shesays, don't worry.
You will be cleansedphysically, mentally,
and emotionally by thisprocedure, which I thought
was pretty grandiosetalk for a butt janitor.
Anyway, I'll, I'll spareyou some of the details.
Basically, they,they hook you up
to this wall-mounted fire hose.
And then they fill you up anddrain you out a few times,
and then by change in themachine, like from hello
to good bye.
And then-- then, youknow, the person leaves.
And you get it together,pull your clothes on,
and you walk out.
But you have to go throughthe reception room, where the,
you know, the clerk givesyou one of those big smiles,
you know, well, Ibet you feel better.
And, you know, andso all I can do
is give her the stupid smileback and go, oh, yes, lighter.
But really, all I felt waslike creepy and embarrassed.
But better now that I'vetold you, of course.
Um, anyway, I'm going to goahead and start, start the rest