Doug Stanhope - Babies

  • Season 5 , Ep 13
  • 09/23/2001
  • Views: 3,631

Doug Stanhope can't stand being around babies. (1:54)

JUST HAD ANOTHER BABY.

AND I HAD TO FLY BACK TO

RHODE ISLAND TO LOOK AT

THE THING, 'CAUSE I'M IT'S

UNCLE, AND THERE'S SOME

PROTOCOL--

AND I'M GLAD HE'S THAT EXCITED

ABOUT THE BABY, BUT I DON'T

THINK BABIES ARE CUTE OR FUNNY.

I HATE SEEING PICTURES OF THEM.

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE

TO SAY.

BABIES ARE LIKE POEMS.

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL TO THEIR

CREATOR, BUT TO OTHER PEOPLE,

THEY'RE SILLY AND THEY'RE

IRRITATING.

KEEP YOUR PICTURE IN YOUR

WALLET.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

EVER GET STUCK READING

SOMEBODY'S POEMS?

WHEN THAT GIRL BRINGS YOUR

RATTY ASS NOTEBOOK OUT FROM

UNDERNEATH THE BED?

I'M GOING TO LET YOU READ

MY POEMS.

I NEVER LET ANYBODY READ

MY POEMS, I'M SO EMBARRASSED,

BUT I'M GONNA LET YOU READ ALL

OF MY POEMS.

OH. THANKS.

OOH.

WOW.

YOU MUST'VE GOTTEN DUMPED

BY A LOT OF GUYS.

LOOK AT ALL THESE.

THAT'S THE WAY BABY PICTURES

ARE TO ME.

AND EVERY TIME YOU SAY YOU HATE

CHILDREN, PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY

THE SAME THING.

IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT WAS

YOUR OWN CHILD.

YEAH.

WELL, WHAT IF IT WASN'T?

WHAT IF I BELIEVED ALL YOU

PEOPLE WHO TOLD ME THAT,

AND ON YOUR GOOD WORD,

I SQUEEZE OUT A RAT OF MY OWN,

AND I END UP HATING MY OWN FLESH

AND BLOOD JUST AS MUCH AS I HATE

THAT SCREAMING PIECE OF

(BLEEP) ON THE AIRPLANE NEXT

TO ME.

OR THAT FILTHY KID IN THE

DENNY'S BOOTH BEHIND YOU

WHO LEANS OVER AND PLAYS IN YOUR

HAIR, DROOLS CHEWED UP PANCAKES

DOWN THE BACK OF YOUR NECK.

AND HIS PARENTS THINK IT'S

HILARIOUS, AND YOU'RE HUNG OVER.

AND YOU WANT TO--

NOT HURT THE KID--

BUT SQUEEZE A LEMON IN HIS EYES,

SOMETHING THAT'S NOT TRACEABLE

BACK TO ME.

IF IT WAS MY OWN KID, I COULD DO

THAT TO HIM ALL DAY LONG,

AND I DON'T KNOW IF THAT WOULD

EVER GET BORING TO ME.

DO WE NEED MORE CHILDREN?

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