Nick Kroll - Nut Farts

Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool Season 1, Ep 101 01/29/2011 Views: 11,051

The DMV is the only public place that Nick Kroll treats with complete disdain. (2:13)

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UH, I FEEL HONESTLY

LIKE THIS IS, LIKE,MY SECOND BAR MITZVAH.

AND I'M HOPINGTHAT THIS ENDS

WITH A HAND JOBFROM A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL AS WELL.

UH, I CAN'T THANK YOU GUYSENOUGH FOR COMING OUT,

AND I KNOW YOU WERE LOOKINGFOR SOME COMEDY,

AND THERE WILL BE SOME,BUT--BUT I...

I WAS AT THE DMV YESTERDAY,

AND THERE'S, LIKE,EVERY WALK OF LIFE IN THE DMV.

LIKE,IT FEELS KIND OF LIKE

YOU'VE WALKEDINTO THE STAR WARS BAR.

THERE'S, LIKE, FAT ASIAN KIDSON LEASHES RUNNING AROUND,

SOME ALIEN PLAYING, LIKE,FOUR ELECTRIC CLARINETS

AT THE SAME TIME.

♪ YANEK YAK YAKYANEK YAK YOW ♪

MY FAVORITE PERSONI SAW THERE

WAS THIS OLD BLACK WOMAN,

WHO WAS JUST TEACHING A BAGOF SUNFLOWER SEEDS A LESSON.

MY FAVORITE THINGABOUT THE DMV

IS THAT I FEEL ENTIRELYCOMFORTABLE FARTING THERE.

NO OTHER PUBLIC PLACE

WOULD I TREATWITH SUCH DISDAIN.

I WAS STANDING ON LINE,

AND I JUST CROP-DUSTEDTHE WHOLE AREA BEHIND ME.

LIKE, THE NIGHT BEFORE,

I HAD EATEN, LIKE,A TUNA OREO PARMESAN.

AND THEN I HAD, LIKE,A BUNCH OF SHOTS OF RAIL VODKA.

I CAME HOMEAND WAS LIKE,

"WHAT'S A NICE MIDNIGHT SNACK?

BRISKET AND YOGURT."

AND I WAKE UPLATE THE NEXT MORNING FOR WORK,

GRAB, LIKE, A HANDFULOF ALMONDS,

LIKE, "THAT'S BREAKFAST,"

AND THEN, NUT FARTSALL DAY LONG.

AND SO I JUST GET ON LINE,

AND I JUST NAPALMED 'EM.

LIKE,A LITTLE VIETNAMESE GIRL

COULD HAVE RUN OUTON FIRE.

LIKE, IF A PHOTOGRAPHERHAD BEEN THERE,

HE WOULD HAVE WONA PULITZER.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND SO THE WOMANBEHIND ME WAS LIKE,

"WELL, I NEVER."

AND I WAS LIKE, "PAYYOUR PARKING TICKETS ON TIME?

THAT'S WHY YOU GOTTA SMELLMY NUT FARTS!"

OKAY.