Mitch Hedberg - Turtlenecks

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 01/04/1999
  • Views: 82,644

Wearing a turtleneck is like getting strangled by a really weak guy all day. (2:19)

I WEAR V-NECK SHIRTS,ALWAYS.

THIS IS A V-NECK I GOT ON.

MY NECK IS SO FRAGILE, MAN.

I CAN'T WEARA REGULAR NECK SHIRT. IT HURTS.

AND I ESPECIALLY HATETURTLENECKS.

LIKE WEARING A TURTLENECKIS LIKE BEING STRANGLED

BY A REALLY WEAK GUY.

( laughter )

ALL DAY.

LIKE IF YOU WEAR A TURTLENECKAND A BACKPACK

IT'S LIKE A WEAK MIDGETTRYING TO BRING YOU DOWN.

( laughter and applause )

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GOIN A RESTAURANT ON THE WEEKENDS

IT GETS BUSY, SO THEY STARTA WAITING LIST.

THEY START CALLING OUT NAMES.

THEY SAY LIKE,"DUFRESNE, PARTY OF TWO.

TABLE READY FOR DUFRESNE,PARTY OF TWO."

AND, IF NO ONE ANSWERS,THEY'LL SAY THE NAME AGAIN.

"DUFRESNE, PARTY OF TWO,"BUT THEN IF NO ONE ANSWERS

THEY'LL JUST GO RIGHT ONTO THE NEXT NAME.

"BUSH, PARTY OF THREE."

YEAH, BUT WHAT HAPPENEDTO THE DUFRESNES?

NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE.

( laughter )

WHO CAN EAT AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

PEOPLE ARE MISSING.

YOU PEOPLE ARE SELFISH.

THE DUFRESNES AREIN SOMEONE'S TRUNK RIGHT NOW...

( laughter )

WITH DUCT TAPE OVER THEIR MOUTHS

AND THEY'RE HUNGRY.

THAT'S A DOUBLE WHAMMY.

WE NEED HELP.

"BUSH, SEARCH PARTY OF THREE."

"YOU CAN EATONCE YOU FIND THE DUFRESNES."

I THINK PRINGLE'S'INITIAL INTENTION

WAS TO MAKE TENNIS BALLS.

BUT ON THE DAY THAT THE RUBBERWAS SUPPOSED TO SHOW UP

A BIG TRUCKLOAD OF POTATOESARRIVED

AND PRINGLE'S ISA LAID-BACK COMPANY.

THEY SAID, "( bleep ).JUST CUT 'EM UP."

I WROTE A SCRIPT AND I GAVE ITTO A GUY WHO READS SCRIPTS

AND HE READ ITAND HE SAID HE REALLY LIKES IT

BUT HE THINKSI NEED TO REWRITE IT.

I SAID, "( bleep ) THAT.

I'LL JUST MAKE A COPY."

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