Kristen Schaal - All-Ages Show

Kristen Schaal: Live at the Fillmore Season 1, Ep 1 04/01/2013 Views: 11,441

Kristen Schaal challenges an unlikely audience member to come on stage. (3:26)

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So, yeah.[chuckles]

I did not know that--

I did not know this wasan all-ages show, um...

And my stuff is not exactlykid-appropriate, so...

- You suck![audience "ohs"]

- [laughs] Wow.

Wow, well, I would love to seeyou come up here and do better.

'Cause it's not easy.It takes a lot of time.

You should leave.Wait, where are you going?

No, no, no,no, no, no, no.

You can't come up here.She can't come up here.

- [cheers]

- What are you--you're not allowed up here.

[cheers and applause]

- Here.

I'll show you how it's done.

[audience cheers]

My mom said she wastaking me to a comedy show.

I didn't know I was goingto see Betty Boop in heat.


I mean,what is wrong with you?

Talking, "taint this,"and "taint that."

I'll tell you what it tain't,it tain't funny.

Bam! Joke sold![laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Where are my ladies at?

[women cheer]Give me some love!

[cheering and applause]

Hey, you ladiesdating out there?

- [cheers]- I'm not dating yet, but...


I think boysare like a fine wine.

Got a lot of character,

get better as they age,

and they're best kept

locked in a special roomin my basement.

That's right.I hate boys!

Bam! Joke sold!

[cheers and applause]

Hey, I might be little,but you know what they say,

"Little girls are madeof sugar and spice

and everything nice."

Guess when theyget to your age,

they're just filled upwith bitter corn whiskey.

Bam! Joke sold![audience "ohs"]

[cheers and applause]

I got tested for scoliosisat school the other day.

I'm goingto the nurse's office,

next thing I know, she's liftingup the back of my shirt.

"Hey, buy the girlsome Teddy Grahams first."

Bam! Joke sold!

I know, I know.

I shouldn't kick a ladywhen she's down,

but where elseam I gonna kick her?

My leg onlycomes up to here.

Bam! Joke sold!

[cheers and applause]

But I wanna endon a positive note.

To all my fellowaudience members...

remember,this show will be over soon.


And we can startforgetting about it.

Just like Kristenforgot to write the jokes.

[audience "ohs"]

Bam! Joke sold!

[cheers and applause]

That's how you kill 'em.

[microphone thumps]

[cheers and applause]

- Where is her mother?

Why was that allowed?