Bret Ernst - Babysitter Brawl - Uncensored

Bloodline 03/15/2016 Views: 1,451

When Bret Ernst's babysitter took disciplinary measures too far, he and his brother fought back (a little too hard). (11:49)

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- And she's banging onthe sliding glass door.

And my other brother was, like,

opening and closing the curtain,

and--and, I was doing--you know,and I was doing

that little kid dancewhere you're just like...

[dark electronic music]

- Welcome to"This is not happening."

I'm Ari Shaffir, and tonight,

the topic is "Bloodline."

Please give it upfor Mr. Bret Ernst, everybody.

- So, uh,

my story takes place in Florida,

like all fucked up stories do.

Now, I was actually--I moved around a lot

as a kid, you know, 'cause

I was raised by a single mom,

just like everybody else I know.

Does anybody even have a fatheranymore, by the way?

I know they're out there.

They're like urban legends.

You hear about 'emevery now and then.

You know what I mean?

So, uh, we moved around a lot.

I was born in Jersey,moved to Florida,

back to Jersey, back to Florida.

I've been back and forthmy whole life,

and the reason for that ismy grandparents,

they lived in Florida,and they helped raise us.

You ever see those old dudesthat would make weapons?

Like, you know what I mean?

Like, you know, do you ever seethose grandpa weapons?

Like--like, he would makeshit in his shed,

like he had a sock with, like,

$900 worth of quarters in it,

just fucking hanging there,

tied in knots.

No?

You never had...

Like, all right, he woulddrive around in his Lincoln.

Under the seat of the Lincoln,he had an ax handle, right?

It was like this big,

with, like, tapeat the bottom of it,

I guess for grip.

And a nail in the top of it,

like...

I remember, as a kid, going"What the hell is that for?"

He's like, "Just in case."

Like, in case of what?

Like, what are you, Braveheart?What is that thing?

You know what I mean?

So he was a man's man.You know what I mean?

You know, he fought in the war.

He was just a man's man, and,

you know, he knewhow to fix shit,

which, by the way,our generation's just--

we're--let's be honest.

If something happened in L.A.,

we're all fucked,you know what I mean?

We don't really haveany real man skills.

Like, you know what I mean?

The ability to getin a nightclub

when you're not on a guest list

is not a real survival skill,you know what I mean?

Like, he was just of that ilk

where he could build shit;whatever.

And they used to get usbabysitters,

and me and my brotherswere horrible.

Like, we ran through babysitterslike the Simpson kids.

Like, nobody everwanted to watch us.

Like--all right, we had thisone babysitter, all right?

We used to call her "Ant-face."

All right?'Cause...but...[laughs]

But she was this bigsouthern woman, right?

And she looked like this.

And whenever--I don't know.

Do you guys knowwhat a switch is?

all: Yeah.- Okay.

We were from Jersey.We had no idea.

Down south, if you're acting up,

they have thisdisciplinary thing

called a switch, right?

And she would be like,"Go outside

and break me off a switch."

You know, and I'm like,"What the fuck's a switch?"

I had no idea.

For those of you who don'tknow what it is,

they take you outside, okay?

They make you pick outa tree branch.

You have to break it off,you give it to them,

and then they hit you with it.

Like, what kind of sadistic,Hannibal Lecter-type mind--

like, why do I gotto pick the weapon

you're gonna beat me with,you know what I mean?

So the next timewe were acting up,

Ant-face was like, "Go outsideand break me off a switch,"

and now I'm like,"Fuck you, Ant-face.

I ain't falling forthat shit again," right?

So Ant-face goes, "Fine,I'll do it myself."

Right?So she went outside.

Uh, we locked Ant-faceout of the house

for like nine hours.

All right?

And--and Ant-face--[laughs]

And she was running around,like, trying to get in.

We were messing with her--like,we'd open the door,

and then lock it.

Be like, "Yo, Ant-face!"And she'd run around.

You know, and thenwe'd lock the door again.

And my grandparents hadthis sliding glass door, right?

And she's banging onthe sliding glass door,

and my older brother was, like,

opening and closing the curtain,

and--and, I was doing--you know,and I was doing

that little kid dance,where you're just like...

Right?

So Ant-face tapped out.

She didn't want to watch usanymore, all right?

So my grandmother had to find

this last-minute replacement,

and, uh, I don't know

where she found this woman,

but she was just...white trash.

She was, like, pale, right?

She had, like, scrapes andbruises and shit all--

like, she looked likeshe fell off a bike.

I'm not lying.She was all banged out.

And her nickname was"The Crazy Lady."

That's what we would call her,

'cause every time she wouldsay something, right,

she would repeatthe words to herself.

You ever seen anybody do this?

She'd be like, uh, you know,

"Whatever the words are"--allright, she would do this.

I gotta do it for you withoutlaughing, hold on.

I swear to God, she'd go--

whatever the words were,she would always

repeat 'em to herself.

[mouthing words]

And this was the '80s, so therewas no background checks,

so my grandmother's just like,"Watch the kids,"

and left, right?

So the Crazy Lady would nevermake eye contact with you.

She would just alwayslook down, right?

And--you know--andI'm staring at her.

She's not staring at me.

Doesn't say a word.

Just peels off, goes inmy grandparents' bedroom,

lays on the bed,

and talks to her boyfriendall day, which was cool with us.

She didn't mess with us,we didn't mess with her.

Day's going great.

Well, end of the day comes.Okay?

And the Crazy Lady calls usinto the bedroom.

She's like,"You kids get in here.

"I need to knowif you cleaned your room,

"'cause if you didn'tclean your room,

you're not gonna go toMcDonald's."

[mouths words]

Now, it's importantfor the story to know

it was Filet-O-Fish Fridaysat McDonald's, all right?

This is--no, 'cause, like,

if we were kids,and we were good,

my grandmother would take usto McDonald's,

and, you know, as a kid,McDonald's was the shit.

Like, I still get excited.

Like, 'cause you know,

I see the arches now,I'm like, [squeals].

You know, 'cause there was justso much things there for kids.

You had, like, Happy Meals,Filet-O-Fishes.

Like, I thought McDonald'swas so cool,

I had a cousin, Steve,that worked at McDonald's,

and I used to bragthat I had a cousin

that worked at McDonald's.

And none of my friendsbelieved me; they were like,

"No, you don't."I'm like, "Yeah.

I get extra shitin my Happy Meal,"

like I knew people.

Right?

So now we go to clean the room,

'cause we want to goto McDonald's.

Now, my older brother, Scott,

he's ten, all right,I'm six.

My little brother, Keith,he's three,

but he don't count right now.

Okay?He's too little.

So we start cleaning the room'cause we want

to go to McDonald's,and my older brother--

well, it's this--'causehe could make a bed

like you wouldn't believe;like--I'm dead serious.

Like, he made it betterthan my grandmother.

Like, everything was justperfectly folded.

Pillows wherethey need to be, right?

So now the Crazy Lady wantedto inspect the room

to give us, like,the seal of approval.

So I'm like--when we're donecleaning the room, I'm like,

"Hey, Crazy Lady, we're donecleaning the room.

Uh, you want to check it out?"

Right?

I don't knowwhat the hell happened.

All right, 'cause her headjust started

going 100 miles an hour,

and she's looking at the room,she's like,

"Wow."

[mouths word]

[laughter]

She goes, "You kids thinkthis room looks clean?

It doesn't look clean to me!"

And just freaked out, right?

Started messing the bed up,

knocking shit off the dresser,

skipping like a Goddamnmaniac, right?

And I'm Roman Catholic,so my grandmother

had those creepy saint statues.

She bitch-slapped St. Peteron the floor.

So now, my older brotherstepped up, he's like,

"Lady, why are you messingthe room up," right?

She doesn't say a word.She just peaces him.

Straight shot, just...

[loud thud]Right?

She dropped him!

I did the little kid thingwhere you laugh,

and then you freak out?

Like, it was like,[loud thud]

I was like...[laughing]

[wailing]

All right.

Here's where the storygets fucked up.

My older brother told meto do it too.

He denies it, but--I--

he--he was sitting there,bleeding, going,

[sniffles]

[whispers] "You knowwhat you need to do."

Crazy Lady goes backinto my grandparents' room,

lays on the bed,

and starts talkingto her boyfriend,

laughing about what she did.

All right?

So I walk inmy grandparents' room.

I look at her.She's laughing.

I look at my brother.He's bleeding, right?

Now, under thatnut sack of change,

my grandfather also hada little baby ax.

Right, a littlecrooked-handle hatchet.

So I look at her.

I look at him.

I look at the ax, right?

And in my mind, I'm like,

"You gonna let her get awaywith that shit?

"That's your brother.

"She bitch-slapped St. Peter.

That's sacrilege."

I grab the ax,and as hard as I can--

[loud thud]

Right in the backof her leg, all right?

Oh, relax; I was six years old,

so there wasn't a lot of torquebehind it, all right?

But it was good enoughto get in there.

And I don't knowwhat the hell I hit,

but blood went everywhere.

Long story boring,the cops come, all right?

And they're interrogating me,

and I'm crying, you know, 'cause

I know we ain't goingto McDonald's now.

Know what I mean?

[laughing]

I know I messed that up.

So now, right?I'm sitting there.

I'm crying;cops are asking me questions.

My grandfather comes home.

Now, back then,

no cell phones, no nothing,you know what I mean?

He pulls up, sees the ambulance,

the cops, right?

He comes running in, he's like,

"What the hell happened?"

And you know when you're a kidand you're crying,

you throw out one word?

I'm like, "Filet-O-Fishes!"

He's like, "What the hellare you talking"--

I said--[sniffles]"McDonald's!

"She told us to clean the room

"or we couldn't goto McDonald's.

"And Scotty told me to do it.

And she punched Scottyin the face."

He goes, "Whoa.Whoa, what'd she do?"

Right?

Beelines it over to her.

Now she's all crazied out,right?

She's got a blanket around her.Right?

Her father's actinglike a bitch.

"I can't believe this"--you know,

he's acting all crazy, right?

So my grandfather walks over,

and he looks at her and goes--to the father, he goes,

"You know, I feel terribleabout this whole thing.

"Can I talk to her for a second?

I want to make sureshe's all right."

"Are you okay, honey?You okay?

"Oh, you are?What are you, like, 20?

"You're an adult, right?Like 22, 23?

"Listen: you ever put your handson my kids again,

"I'm gonna make one phone call,all right?

"I'm gonna have your father'shead chopped off.

"He's gonna bewrapped in plastic

"and no one will ever find him,and you're gonna

have to live with itfor the rest of your life."

Then he looks at me and he goes,

"We're going to McDonald's!"

[applause]

And I got two Filet-O-Fishes

and no therapy.

[cheers and applause]

All right, guys.That's my time, man.

Thank you.