Kent Haines - Reset the Odometer

Season 4, Ep 0407 12/04/2009 Views: 4,241

After dating his girlfriend for 8 years, Kent isn't ready to reset the relationship odometer for marriage. (3:01)

We've been datingfor about eight years now.

And, uh, she's already talkingabout getting married,

which I find irritatingto be honest.

Uh, mostly, 'cause I'm justproud of the eight years.

It's kind of an accomplishment,you know?

I'm not ready to resetthe odometer

just to go after the elusivemarriage record.

I'm putting up solid numbersin the minors, folks.

I don't need my face on a cerealbox, that's all I'm saying.

But this engagement thing,it's coming.

I can feel it.This ship has taken on water.

She will not hold.

Um, I think

the thing that puts more stresson our relationship

than anything is Facebook.

Because my girlfriend

has the relationship thingin her Facebook feed

set all the way to the top,so that anytime

anyone in our entire socialnetwork gets engaged,

it pops up with streamersand flares and a T-shirt gun.

So she always sees it, and thenevery time we get to have

the same passive-aggressiveconversation.

"Hey, Kent?

Do you remember Ron and Tina?"

"Uh, I don't know, remind me."

"Oh, we went to collegewith them.

They started dating, like,four years after we did."

"Okay, what-what about them?"

"Oh, nothing. They just...they just got engaged.

"They just made a lifecommitment to celebrate their

"love by joining as one in theholy sacrament of marriage.

"Just... no big deal.

Oh, my God, but you'll neverguess why."

"Oh, really? Why?"

"'Cause they're26 years old, Kent!

That's what people (bleep) do!"

"Ah. Oh, ease up, Trigger."

So then, I start freaking out.

Like, just, like, "Oh, I'm goingto lose this thing."

So I just start runningthrough scenarios,

even logisticallyhow this could work.

But then, like, all that workgets scuttled

'cause a week later, she callsme on the way home from work

and we have the secondconversation,

which is way worse.

Like, "Hey, Kent?Um, so I talked

"to my engaged friend, Tina,who got engaged.

"Tina, you remembershe got engaged.

"Oh, my God.Do you want to know

how he asked her?"


"No, I do not.

I don't want you to knowhow he asked her."

Because it's always thiselaborate production

that was ripped from somehorrible Kate Hudson movie

I'll never be ableto compete with.

"Okay, so it's the first dayof spring

"and she wakes up,and on her dresser is

"a single rose and a letter--so she's freaking out already.

"She opens up the letterand it sends her

"on a scavenger huntthroughout New York City.

"And she's going to alltheir favorite places,

"and, like, gettingthe salt shaker.

"Like, 'Oh, you're the salt tomy pepper.' It was so adorable.

"And she's stuffing it inher purse and running around.

"The last clue sends her

"to the topof the Empire State Building.

"And he is standing therein a full tuxedo.

"She starts rushing towards him.

"He holds up a finger,turns around

"and BASE jumpsoff the building.

"The parachute opens up,and embroidered on it,

"in her favorite font, arethe words 'Will you marry me?'

"Is that notthe most romantic thing

you've ever heardin your entire life?"

And I'm just frozenon the other end of the line,

like, halfway through tapinga Ring Pop

to the insideof a Hallmark card like,

"Oh, this is not goingto go well.

I've got to reevaluate."