Etsy Pitchmen - Cat Cards & Miley Candles

  • Season 1 , Ep 1002
  • 01/07/2014
  • Views: 2,189

What's the best way to market an Etsy greeting card featuring a woman who is about to give birth to a cat? (2:37)

YOU GUYS, IT IS TIME TO PLAY

ETSY PITCHMEN, THE FIRST ONE OF

THE NEW SEASON.

NOW, IN THE REAL WORLD RETAIL

STORES WILL GO OUT OF BUSINESS

WHEN THEY CAN'T PAY RENT.

BUT ON ETSY YOU CAN SELL

ANYTHING YOU WANT, MAKE NO

MONEY AND KEEP YOUR DOORS OPEN

AS LONG AS THEY DON'T TAKE YOUR

COMPUTER AWAY.

AND EVEN THEN IT'S GOING TO BE

ON ETSY'S SERVER SO YOU'RE FINE.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS SOME

STRANGE ITEMS FROM ETSY AND FOR

250 POINTS YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME

A KILLER TAG LINE TO HELP SELL

IT.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

MILEY CYRUS RELIGIOUS CANDLE.

YES, MOSHE.

>> THIS IS A RED CANDLE, BUT IT

ACTS BLACK.

>> Chris: OH, WAY POINTS.

WAY POINTS.

DOES IT OR DO YOU YOU JUST FIND

IT ON TOP OF A BLACK CANDLE?

(LAUGHTER)

A THICK BLACK CANDLE.

>> IT'S HARD TO TELL BECAUSE

THE LINES ARE BLURRED.

THANK YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: HEY, MOSHE, I GAVE

YOU POINTS BECAUSE YOU'RE

♪ A GOOD GIRL

OKAY, NEXT ONE?

THE PERFECT GREETING CARD FOR

THE CREEPIEST CAT LADY IN YOUR

LIFE.

THE ONLY THING MORE DISGUSTING

THAN YOUR AUNT'S OBSESSION WITH

HER CAT IS THIS CARD.

THAT'S HOW JUST A CAT WOULD BE

IN YOU AND THEN EXIT YOUR BODY,

FUR AND ALL.

I THINK THIS IMAGE IS EVEN

MORE DISGUSTING IF YOU IMAGINE

SHE PUT IT IN THERE IN THE FIRST

PLACE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> ME-OUCH!

>> Chris: ME-OUCH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> POINTS!

POINTS!

>> THIS IS FROM HOARDERS,

EXTREME EDITION.

>> Chris: WAIT A MINUTE.

GO BACK TO THAT IMAGE.

GO BACK TO THAT IMAGE RIGHT THIS

SECOND.

SO WE CAN SHOW THIS BUT YOU HAVE

TO PIXELATE THE TITS OUT?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WELL, WE DON'T WANT ANYONE TO BE

OFFENDED BY A NIPPLE.

THERE IS A CROSS-SECTION OF A

LADY WITH A CAT COMING OUT OF

HER VAGINA BUT IF THERE'S ONE

MILLIMETER OF NIPPLE, (BLEEP)

GOING TO GET CRAZY!

(APPLAUSE)

THIS IS WHAT IS FUN.

SEE, THAT BIG PUSSY COMES OUT OF

THAT BIG (BLEEP).

AND IF MY STANDARDS AND

PRACTICES CALCULATIONS ARE

CORRECT ONLY ONE OF THOSE GOT

BLEEPED.

(APPLAUSE)

>> HEY CHRIS.

>> Chris: WHAT?

>> POINTS.

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