Richard Lewis - Harriet

Lenny Clarke & Mark Pitta Season 1, Ep 0101 02/24/1992 Views: 1,704

Beware Hitler, Hussein and Harriet. (2:27)

I'M SINGLE NOW, BUT THELAST ONE, WHAT A NIGHTMARE.

AND I READ NOSTRADAMUS,PAGE 4,008.

IT SAID, "BEWARE OF HITLER,HUSSEIN AND HARRIET."

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

SOMEONE SHOWED ME THAT.

I MEAN, WHEN I MOVED INWITH THIS LADY

I WALKED INTO THE BEDROOM,LOOKING AT THIS APARTMENT.

I SAID, "WHAT'S THISHANDWRITING ON THE WALL?"

I MEAN, SHOULDN'T YOU KNOW?

AND SHE SAID, "LOOK,I'LL GO OUT WITH YOU

BUT I WANT A SIGNING BONUS."

I FEEL THAT'S A MISTAKERIGHT THERE, YOU KNOW.

AND I SAID TO HER,LIKE THE FIRST NIGHT

"I LOVE YOU, I NEED YOU,MY HEART IS POUNDING."

SHE WENT,"DON'T SMOTHER ME, SCUM."

I MEAN, THAT'S A BAD SIGN.

I SAID, "NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.

I ADORE YOU."

AND SHE WENT,"AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD?"

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

THEN WE GO OUT THE FIRST NIGHT.

I TOOK HER TO THE MOVIES.

BAD SIGN.

WE WENT TO SOME FOREIGN FILM

AND BUZZARDS WERECIRCLING THE CINEMA

WHICH IS NOT A GOOD THING.

AND PLUS, SHE WASA HORROR MOVIE FAN

AND SPEAKING OF HORROR MOVIES,I GO TO MY HOUSE

I'M ALONE ON OCCASION WITH HER,AND LIKE, IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

LIKE I HEARD-- IT WAS ALMOSTLIKE I WAS LIVING IN A FILM.

I HEARD THIS OMEN CHANT.

IT WAS LIKE,"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO."

YOU KNOW, THINGS WEREFLOATING AROUND

LIKE IN THE POLTERGEIST FILM.

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

PLUS SHE TALKED LIKEA PIRATE FOR NO REASON.

SHE TALKED... I MEAN,I'M NOT AGAINST PIRATES.

IF YOU'RE A PIRATE WATCHING,I LOVE PIRATES.

BUT I MEAN, LIKE, "I WANT TOHAVE BRUNCH, MATEY, NOW, AYE."

I MEAN, COME ON.

AND SHE WOULD ONLY MAKE LOVEON A GRASSY KNOLL.

THAT WAS A MISTAKE.

AND THERE WAS NO GRASSY KNOLLIN THE AREA.

SHE SAID, "ALL RIGHT,WE'LL MAKE LOVE

BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVEA RAVEN ON YOUR SHOULDER."

AND THEN WHEN SHE HAD AN ORGASM,I KNEW SHE DIDN'T WANT ME.

SHE WENT, "OH, I WANTTO MOVE BACK TO NEW YORK."

( laughter )

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

I WANT TO FIND SOMEONEWHO WASN'T AS PROMISCUOUS.

I'M NOT THAT PROMISCUOUS,SHE WAS.

I MEAN, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

I MEAN, SHE PUT A TRIANGLEOVER THE BED BEFORE WE MADE LOVE

WHICH WAS... SHE WENT,"COME AND GET IT"

WHICH I FELT WAS A BAD SIGN.

AND THEN, "GENTLEMEN,START YOUR ENGINES," COME ON.