Uncensored - Patton Oswalt - America's D**k

Patton Oswalt: Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time Season 1, Ep 101 04/06/2014 Views: 17,947

Patton Oswalt explains why the well-worn premise that Florida is America's d**k is untrue. (2:29)

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FLORIDA.

LOOK, THERE'S A STEREOTYPE,

CLICHé, HACK BIT, IF YOU WILL,

THAT A LOT OF COMEDIANS DO

ABOUT, "WELL,FLORIDA'S JUST AMERICA'S DICK.

"IT'S AMERICA'S DICKHANGING DOWN.

"GET IT?LOOKS LIKE A DICK.

AMERICA'S DICK. HA!"

THAT'S WRONG.THAT'S OFFENSIVE.

FLORIDA'S NOT AMERICA'S DICK.

MAINE IS AMERICA'S DICK.

MAINE IS AMERICA'S WEIRD,STUBBY,

LIKE, KIND OF UNCIRCUMCISED,WIDER-THAN-IT'S-LONG,

AND THE FORESKIN'SALL BUNCHED UP ON THE TOP,

KIND OF INFECTED.

IT'S ONLY HARD 'CAUSE OF CIALIS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE A GUY

KIND OF, LIKE, RUBS ITAGAINST GIRLS IN THE NIGHTCLUB.

BUT HE'S THE OWNER'S SON.

THEY CAN'T SAY ANYTHING.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, JUST FINI--FINISH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAINE -- THAT'S MAINE.

MAINE IS AMERICA'S HORRIBLE,NIGHTCLUB, RAPEY DICK.

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND THEN FLORIDA ISAMERICA'S KIND OF DROOPING,

DESCENDING IN THE HUMID HEATNUT SACK --

JUST THIS LONG, LONG SCROTUM.

JUST A SOUTHERN SCROTUM.

IT'S A [BLEEP] SCROTUM.IT'S A SCROTUM.

AND I'M NOT SAYINGTHAT FLORIDA IS A SCROTUM

BECAUSE I WAS IN MIAMIFOR THREE WEEKS LAST YEAR

AND IT SUCKED.

I WAS AND IT DID.

BUT I HAVE GIVEN FLORIDAEVERY [BLEEP] CHANCE.

I'VE BEEN ALL OVER THAT STATE.

WHEN I SAY IT'S A SCROTUM, I --

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN TEA-BAGGEDWITH THAT STATE.

I'VE BEEN ALL OVER IT.

I'VE BEEN TO ORLANDO,JACKSONVILLE,

GAINESVILLE, TALLAHASSEE,

HOLLYWOOD, DAYTONA,FORT LAUDERDALE,

CAPTIVA ISLAND,WEST PALM BEACH,

ALL OVER THAT GODDAMN THING.

THE ONLY REASON TO VISIT FLORIDA

IS TO IDENTIFYYOUR DAUGHTER'S DEAD BODY.

THAT IS IT.