Vic Henley - Scoops' Hat

  • Season 9 , Ep 16
  • 05/28/2005
  • Views: 6,696

Vic Henley recalls the first time he ever saw the Klan. (4:21)

Vic Henley: I'LL DO SOMETHING

A LITTLE DIFFERENT HERE.

I'M IN A STORYTELLING

SHOW HERE IN TOWN WHERE COMICS

GET TOGETHER AND TELL STORIES,

SO I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY

HERE.

'CAUSE IT AMAZES ME STILL,

AFTER LIVING HERE, THE THINGS

PEOPLE SAY TO YOU JUST RIGHT OFF

THE BAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU WALK OFF STAGE,

TALKING TO SOMEBODY AT A CLUB

OR SOMEWHERE, THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHERE YOU FROM AGAIN?"

I'M LIKE, "ALABAMA."

"REALLY?

TELL ME ABOUT THE KLAN."

[LAUGHTER]

"WELL, PULL UP A CHAIR HERE,

MY FRIEND, AND LET ME REGALE YOU

WITH THE FABULOUS...

JACKASS!"

BUT THIS GUY SAID THIS TO ME

A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

AND IT ACTUALLY DID REMIND ME

OF THE FIRST TIME I EVER SAW

THE KLAN, EVERYBODY, ALL RIGHT?

SO...

I WAS A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND SOME FRIENDS OF MINE AND I

WERE DRIVING OVER TO BIRMINGHAM,

ALABAMA, 'BOUT AN HOUR AWAY

WE WERE MAKING THE BIG ROAD TRIP

OVER BECAUSE WE WANT TO GO SEE

"KISS" IN CONCERT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES.

WHAT WHITE TRASH STORY DOES NOT

START OUT EXACTLY LIKE THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S FOUR OF US, WE'RE IN A

SILVER TRANS AM WITH THE T-TOP

CONVERTIBLES, THEY ARE REMOVED.

[CHEERING]

RIGHT AND EVERYBODY'S CARRYING

ON.

WE'RE IN THE BACK SEAT.

WE'RE ALL LIQUORED UP AND WE'RE

HAVING A BIG TIME.

NOW ONE OF OUR FRIENDS IS GOING

WITH US TO THE "KISS" CONCERT.

HIS NAME IS SCOOP AND...

[LAUGHTER]

SCOOP HAPPENS TO BE A BLACK MAN.

AND HE'S GOING WITH US 'CAUSE HE

CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY ANYBODY

WOULD WANT TO GO SEE "KISS"

IN CONCERT.

HE'S A BLACK GUY.

HE LIKES RHYTHM AND BLUES,

MUSICIANSHIP, FUNK.

WE'RE LIKE, "NO.

IT'S LIKE THEATER.

THERE'S BLOOD AND FIRE."

AND HE'S LIKE, "CRAZY-ASS

CRACKER."

SO SCOOP IS WITH US SO, LIKE WE

THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE A PRETTY

GOOD TRIP BECAUSE SOMEONE IN THE

CAR THREW A BOTTLE OF SOME SORT

OVER THE CAR.

NOT THE RIDING ON THE PASSENGER

SIDE, PITCHING IT OUT, BUT LIKE

SOMEBODY TOSSED ONE OVER THE

WHOLE CAR AND HIT A MILE MARKER

SIGN ON THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY,

ONE OF THOSE LITTLE GREEN SIGNS.

SO WE REALLY THOUGHT THAT

JESUS HAD TOUCHED OUR CAR AT

THIS PARTICULAR POINT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SO, RIGHT, SO WE KNEW IT WAS

GONNA BE A BIG, BIG TRIP.

SO WE'RE OUT OF ALL THE GOODIES

AND SO WE'RE GONNA STOP AT A

CONVENIENCE STORE AND GET SOME

MORE BEER AND STUFF, AND WE NEED

SOME GAS.

AND, WE PULL OFF AT THIS LITTLE

EXIT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF

NOWHERE, AND THERE'S JUST A

GROCERY STORE AND A GAS STATION

IN FRONT OF IT, RIGHT?

AND HERE'S FOUR KLAN GUYS

STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE ROAD, HAVING A ROAD BLOCK

FOR THE KLAN.

THEY GOT BUCKETS.

THEY WANT PEOPLE TO DONATE MONEY

TO THE KLAN.

IT'S LIKE IN OLD COUNTRY,

LIKE PEOPLE WOULD HAVE LIKE

FOR CANCER OR MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY

OR ANY OTHER LEGAL CHARITY.

THESE JACKASSES ARE STANDING OUT

THERE WITH ALL THEIR KLAN HOOD

ON, THEY HAVE BUCKETS ON, RIGHT?

THEY HAVE THE STUFF PUSHED UP.

AND IT'S AUGUST, SO IT'S LIKE 9

MILLION DEGREES, 800% HUMIDITY.

SO NOT ONLY ARE THEY RACIST,

THEY'RE IDIOTS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE YOUNGEST ONE IS 80

IF HE'S A DAY, RIGHT?

AND SO NOBODY'S REALLY--

PEOPLE ARE RIDING BY,

HONKING HORNS, THROWING

CIGARETTES AT THEM.

YOU KNOW, IT'S MORE SAD THAN

ANYTHING.

SO AS SOON AS WE GET OUT OF

THE CAR, SCOOP SEES THIS.

HE'S LIKE, "OH MY GOD.

I'VE GOT TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE

HATS."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

MY FRIEND THAT IS IN THE FRONT

PASSENGER SEAT, HE IS A 4-TIME

STATE CHAMPION WRESTLER, OKAY?

SO HE'S A VERY POWERFUL MAN.

SO AS SOON AS SCOOP SAYS THIS,

MY BUDDY GOES, "WELL, LET'S JUST

BEAT THE PISS OUT OF THEM AND

TAKE IT FROM THEM!

[LAUGHTER]

GOOD GOD, THEY'RE 305 YEARS OLD.

HELL, I CAN TAKE FOUR OF THEM.

COME ON!

LET'S STRIP THEM NAKED AND LEAVE

THEM BY THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY.

SCREW THESE GUYS.

THEY'RE IN THE KLAN."

AND THE REST OF US ARE A BUNCH

OF WUSSES, SO WE COULDN'T.

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, LET'S NOT

BEAT THE HELL OUT OF THE

OLD GUYS HERE."

I GO, "HERE'S WHAT WE SHOULD

DO."

I TELL SCOOP, I'M LIKE, "LOOK,

YOU GET DOWN BEHIND THE DRIVER'S

SEAT HERE.

DON'T LET THEM SEE YOU, IT MIGHT

SCARE THEM."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M LIKE, "I'LL GET DOWN

BEHIND YOU IN THE BACK SEAT HERE

AND I'LL HOLD YOUR FEET WHERE

YOU WON'T FALL OUT OF THE CAR,

RIGHT?"

AND SO THE T-TOPS ARE OUT AND

I TELL MY BUDDY THAT'S DRIVING,

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, ACT LIKE

YOU'RE GONNA GIVE THIS JACKASS

A DOLLAR.

HERE, TAKE A DOLLAR, AND WAVE IT

TO HIM AND THEN WHEN HE COMES

OVER NEAR THE CAR..."

WE'RE RIGHT BY THE ONRAMP,

YOU KNOW, RIGHT?

SO WHEN HE COMES NEAR THE CAR,

I TELL SCOOP, I'M LIKE, "WHEN HE

GETS CLOSE TO DUNK THE DOLLAR,"

DUNK THE DOLLAR," I GO,

"YOU POP UP, GRAB THE HOOD,

YOU HIT THE GAS, WE'LL DO

A LITTLE SNATCH AND GRAB."

RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO...

SO SCOOP IS IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL

YEARBOOK HOLDING UP THE

KLAN HOOD, WAVING IT AT THE

CAMERA LIKE THIS RIGHT HERE.

[APPLAUSE]

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