Vic Henley: I'LL DO SOMETHING
A LITTLE DIFFERENT HERE.
I'M IN A STORYTELLING
SHOW HERE IN TOWN WHERE COMICS
GET TOGETHER AND TELL STORIES,
SO I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY
HERE.
'CAUSE IT AMAZES ME STILL,
AFTER LIVING HERE, THE THINGS
PEOPLE SAY TO YOU JUST RIGHT OFF
THE BAT.
YOU KNOW, YOU WALK OFF STAGE,
TALKING TO SOMEBODY AT A CLUB
OR SOMEWHERE, THEY'RE LIKE,
"WHERE YOU FROM AGAIN?"
I'M LIKE, "ALABAMA."
"REALLY?
TELL ME ABOUT THE KLAN."
[LAUGHTER]
"WELL, PULL UP A CHAIR HERE,
MY FRIEND, AND LET ME REGALE YOU
WITH THE FABULOUS...
JACKASS!"
BUT THIS GUY SAID THIS TO ME
A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.
AND IT ACTUALLY DID REMIND ME
OF THE FIRST TIME I EVER SAW
THE KLAN, EVERYBODY, ALL RIGHT?
SO...
I WAS A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL
AND SOME FRIENDS OF MINE AND I
WERE DRIVING OVER TO BIRMINGHAM,
ALABAMA, 'BOUT AN HOUR AWAY
WE WERE MAKING THE BIG ROAD TRIP
OVER BECAUSE WE WANT TO GO SEE
"KISS" IN CONCERT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YES.
WHAT WHITE TRASH STORY DOES NOT
START OUT EXACTLY LIKE THAT?
[LAUGHTER]
THERE'S FOUR OF US, WE'RE IN A
SILVER TRANS AM WITH THE T-TOP
CONVERTIBLES, THEY ARE REMOVED.
[CHEERING]
RIGHT AND EVERYBODY'S CARRYING
ON.
WE'RE IN THE BACK SEAT.
WE'RE ALL LIQUORED UP AND WE'RE
HAVING A BIG TIME.
NOW ONE OF OUR FRIENDS IS GOING
WITH US TO THE "KISS" CONCERT.
HIS NAME IS SCOOP AND...
[LAUGHTER]
SCOOP HAPPENS TO BE A BLACK MAN.
AND HE'S GOING WITH US 'CAUSE HE
CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY ANYBODY
WOULD WANT TO GO SEE "KISS"
IN CONCERT.
HE'S A BLACK GUY.
HE LIKES RHYTHM AND BLUES,
MUSICIANSHIP, FUNK.
WE'RE LIKE, "NO.
IT'S LIKE THEATER.
THERE'S BLOOD AND FIRE."
AND HE'S LIKE, "CRAZY-ASS
CRACKER."
SO SCOOP IS WITH US SO, LIKE WE
THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE A PRETTY
GOOD TRIP BECAUSE SOMEONE IN THE
CAR THREW A BOTTLE OF SOME SORT
OVER THE CAR.
NOT THE RIDING ON THE PASSENGER
SIDE, PITCHING IT OUT, BUT LIKE
SOMEBODY TOSSED ONE OVER THE
WHOLE CAR AND HIT A MILE MARKER
SIGN ON THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY,
ONE OF THOSE LITTLE GREEN SIGNS.
SO WE REALLY THOUGHT THAT
JESUS HAD TOUCHED OUR CAR AT
THIS PARTICULAR POINT.
[LAUGHTER]
AND SO, RIGHT, SO WE KNEW IT WAS
GONNA BE A BIG, BIG TRIP.
SO WE'RE OUT OF ALL THE GOODIES
AND SO WE'RE GONNA STOP AT A
CONVENIENCE STORE AND GET SOME
MORE BEER AND STUFF, AND WE NEED
SOME GAS.
AND, WE PULL OFF AT THIS LITTLE
EXIT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF
NOWHERE, AND THERE'S JUST A
GROCERY STORE AND A GAS STATION
IN FRONT OF IT, RIGHT?
AND HERE'S FOUR KLAN GUYS
STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE ROAD, HAVING A ROAD BLOCK
FOR THE KLAN.
THEY GOT BUCKETS.
THEY WANT PEOPLE TO DONATE MONEY
TO THE KLAN.
IT'S LIKE IN OLD COUNTRY,
LIKE PEOPLE WOULD HAVE LIKE
FOR CANCER OR MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY
OR ANY OTHER LEGAL CHARITY.
THESE JACKASSES ARE STANDING OUT
THERE WITH ALL THEIR KLAN HOOD
ON, THEY HAVE BUCKETS ON, RIGHT?
THEY HAVE THE STUFF PUSHED UP.
AND IT'S AUGUST, SO IT'S LIKE 9
MILLION DEGREES, 800% HUMIDITY.
SO NOT ONLY ARE THEY RACIST,
THEY'RE IDIOTS.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THE YOUNGEST ONE IS 80
IF HE'S A DAY, RIGHT?
AND SO NOBODY'S REALLY--
PEOPLE ARE RIDING BY,
HONKING HORNS, THROWING
CIGARETTES AT THEM.
YOU KNOW, IT'S MORE SAD THAN
ANYTHING.
SO AS SOON AS WE GET OUT OF
THE CAR, SCOOP SEES THIS.
HE'S LIKE, "OH MY GOD.
I'VE GOT TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE
HATS."
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
RIGHT?
MY FRIEND THAT IS IN THE FRONT
PASSENGER SEAT, HE IS A 4-TIME
STATE CHAMPION WRESTLER, OKAY?
SO HE'S A VERY POWERFUL MAN.
SO AS SOON AS SCOOP SAYS THIS,
MY BUDDY GOES, "WELL, LET'S JUST
BEAT THE PISS OUT OF THEM AND
TAKE IT FROM THEM!
[LAUGHTER]
GOOD GOD, THEY'RE 305 YEARS OLD.
HELL, I CAN TAKE FOUR OF THEM.
COME ON!
LET'S STRIP THEM NAKED AND LEAVE
THEM BY THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY.
SCREW THESE GUYS.
THEY'RE IN THE KLAN."
AND THE REST OF US ARE A BUNCH
OF WUSSES, SO WE COULDN'T.
I'M LIKE, "LOOK, LET'S NOT
BEAT THE HELL OUT OF THE
OLD GUYS HERE."
I GO, "HERE'S WHAT WE SHOULD
DO."
I TELL SCOOP, I'M LIKE, "LOOK,
YOU GET DOWN BEHIND THE DRIVER'S
SEAT HERE.
DON'T LET THEM SEE YOU, IT MIGHT
SCARE THEM."
[LAUGHTER]
AND I'M LIKE, "I'LL GET DOWN
BEHIND YOU IN THE BACK SEAT HERE
AND I'LL HOLD YOUR FEET WHERE
YOU WON'T FALL OUT OF THE CAR,
RIGHT?"
AND SO THE T-TOPS ARE OUT AND
I TELL MY BUDDY THAT'S DRIVING,
I'M LIKE, "LOOK, ACT LIKE
YOU'RE GONNA GIVE THIS JACKASS
A DOLLAR.
HERE, TAKE A DOLLAR, AND WAVE IT
TO HIM AND THEN WHEN HE COMES
OVER NEAR THE CAR..."
WE'RE RIGHT BY THE ONRAMP,
YOU KNOW, RIGHT?
SO WHEN HE COMES NEAR THE CAR,
I TELL SCOOP, I'M LIKE, "WHEN HE
GETS CLOSE TO DUNK THE DOLLAR,"
DUNK THE DOLLAR," I GO,
"YOU POP UP, GRAB THE HOOD,
YOU HIT THE GAS, WE'LL DO
A LITTLE SNATCH AND GRAB."
RIGHT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SO...
SO SCOOP IS IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL
YEARBOOK HOLDING UP THE
KLAN HOOD, WAVING IT AT THE
CAMERA LIKE THIS RIGHT HERE.
[APPLAUSE]