Carlos Mencia - Southwest Airlines

Carlos Mencia: No Strings Attached Season 1, Ep 0101 03/11/2006 Views: 24,975

There's a big difference between the people that fly normal airlines and the people that fly Southwest. (3:31)

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"DUDE, I'M AFRAID TO FLY."

WHY DON'T YOU CUT OFFYOUR BALLS AND MAIL 'EMTO OSAMA AND TELL HIM,

"HEY TERRORIST PERSON,YOU WON. I'M TERRIFIED."

YOU WANNA BE SAFE, FLY "SOUTH WEST."

THEY WILL NEVER HIJACK THAT AIRLINE.

'CAUSE THE PEOPLE THAT FLY THAT AIRLINE ARE LITTLE, EEE-AAA...

YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

THEY'RE THE KINDOF PEOPLE THAT YOU GO"CAN I SIT NEXT TO YOU?"

AND THEY GO, "I DON'T KNOW, CAN YOU SIT NEXT TO ME?"

"NO, I'M GONNA GO TO THE BACK.

SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO BOTHER YOU, DUDE."

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PEOPLE THAT FLY THAT AIRLINE

AND PEOPLE THAT FLY OTHERS. HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE.

ON ONE OF THE "OTHER" AIRLINES, NOT TOO LONG AGO,

A MAN WITH C-4 PLASTICEXPLOSIVE IN HIS SHOEWAS TRYING TO IGNITE IT.

HE WAS TRYING TO KILL EVERYONE ON THE PLANE.

THEY SAW HIM. THEY BEAT HIS ASS. THEY SUBDUED HIM.

THE PLANE LANDED, THE DOORS OPENED UP,

THE COPS CAME IN AND THEY TOOK HIM TO JAIL.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS ON NORMAL AIRLINES WITH NORMAL PEOPLE.

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS ON SOUTH WEST.

"BEFORE" 9/11, UNDERSTAND THAT,PRE 9/11, A PLANE WAS MID-AIR

AND A GUY YELLS OUT "I'M GONNA OPEN THE COCKPIT DOOR!"

HE STARTED RUNNING TOWARD THE FRONT OF THE PLANE.

THEY BEAT HIS ASS, TOO.THEY SUBDUED HIM, TOO.

THE PLANE LANDED, THE DOORS OPENED UP, THE COPS CAME IN.

HE WAS DEAD. THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.

SCREW WITH THOSE PEOPLE,THEY WILL KILL YOU.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THE COPS CAME IN AND THEY WERE LIKE,

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

"HE WAS IN THE BACK TALKING SMACK...

"AND THEN HE RUN TO THE FRONT,

HE TRIPPED AND THEN HE TURNED BLUE."

"SHUT UP, JULIO.YOU'RE GONNA INCRIMINATEUS ALL, DUMB ASS."

[HICK VOICE] "LET ME TALK TO THE PO-LICE.

"I KNOW HOW TO CAMMUNICATE WITH THESE PEOPLE.I BEEN ON COPS.

"NOW LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED, OFFICER...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"I TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. I WILL TELL YOU.

"SEE THIS GUY WAS IN THE BACK OF THE PLANE TALKIN' ABOUT

"'I'M GONNA OPEN THE BACKOF THE COCKPIT DOOR'.

"THIS BEANER DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT

"'COMPLETELY UNDERNEATH THE SEAT IN FRONT OF YOU' MEANS.

"HIS BAG WAS SLIGHTLY PROTRUDING INTO THE AISLE,

"SAID BAG WAS TRIPPED UPON BY THE MAN RUNNING TOWARD THE FRONT OF THE PLANE,

"HE FELL AND LANDED ON THAT BLACK MANS SHOE,

"THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE FOOTPRINTS ON HIS NECK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN HE TURNED BLUEAND, YOU KNOW..."

HELL, WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS LETTHE PEOPLE THAT FLY SOUTH WEST

FLY OTHER AIRLINES. THAT'S ALL WE NEED TO DO. SEE HERE'S WHAT I WOULD DO.

I LIVE IN L.A. I WOULD GO TO SOUTH WEST AIRLINES AND GO,

"HEY, THE BLACK GUY, THE WHITE GUY AND THE BEANER, COME HERE.

"YEAH, I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING.

WE'RE JUST GONNA PUT YOU ON ANOTHER AIRLINE. THAT'S IT."

AND ACHMED,LOOK AT ME, I DARE YOU,

I DARE YOU TO HIJACK A PLANE IN LOS ANGELES

AND TELL A BLACK GUY YOU AIN'T GONNA LAND IN OAKLAND.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]