Uncensored - Steve Rannazzisi - The S**tter & The Quitter

Steve Rannazzisi: Manchild Season 1, Ep 101 11/16/2013 Views: 9,456

Steve Rannazzisi's son makes it abundantly clear that he does not like it when his parents leave him. (1:57)

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WHEN MY SON WAS 3 WE HADAN INCIDENT IN MY HOUSE.

WE HAD A BABYSITTER COME OVER,A VERY LOVELY WOMAN,

HAD BEEN IN MY HOUSE BEFORE.

BUT MY SON DOES NOT LIKEWHEN MOMMY AND DADDY GOES OUT.

SO, MY WIFE AND I WERECOLLECTING OUR LAST-MINUTE STUFF

IN THE BACK OF THE BEDROOM,

AND MY SON'S OUTWITH THE BABYSITTER.

AND I PEEKED OUT,

AND ALL I SAW WAS HIM WALKINGUP AND DOWN THE LIVING ROOM,

JUST STARING AT THIS BABYSITTERLIKE A PRISON INMATE,

LIKE ONE OF THOSE"LOCKED UP: RAW" PEOPLE.

AND THEN HE STOPS,AND HE LOOKS AT HER,

AND HE RIPS HIS DIAPER OFFLIKE A CHIPPENDALES DANCER.

FFFT! GONE."DON'T NEED THAT ANYMORE."

AND THEN HE SMILES,

AND HE BEGINS TO LOWER HIS BODYLIKE THIS TOWARDS THE GROUND,

THE WHOLE TIME STARING RIGHTINTO THIS BABYSITTER'S EYES,

AND THEN HE PROCEEDSTO SHIT ON THE FLOOR,

GETS UP,AND WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.

OHH!

NOW, NEEDLESS TO SAY,

THERE'S NOT A PARENTING BOOKOUT THERE

THAT WILL EXPLAIN WHAT TO DOIN THE CASE OF HUMAN FECES.

THEY DON'T WRITE THOSE BOOKS.

I SPRINTED OUT OF MY ROOM,

AND I LOOKEDAT THIS POOR BABYSITTER,

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I WAS SO EMBARRASSED,

I ASKED THE DUMBEST QUESTIONYOU COULD HAVE ASKED.

I WAS LIKE, "WELL...

[ SIGHS ]

"WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS CRAZY."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, UH,ONE OF US SHIT ON THE FLOOR,

"AND ONE OF US QUIT.

"SO, ONE OF US SHITAND ONE OF US QUIT.

WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK I AM --THE SHITTER OR THE QUITTER?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

THESE KIDS FLIP THE SWITCHON YOU EVERY DAY.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHATTHE NEXT DAY IS GONNA HOLD.

ONE DAY, MY 4-YEAR-OLD JUSTSTARTED MAKING A FIST LIKE THIS,

AND HE RAISES HIS OWN FISTIN THE AIR,

AND HE WOULD STARE AT ITLIKE THOR.

FOR AN UNDISCLOSED AMOUNTOF TIME,

HE WOULD JUST LOOKAT HIS OWN FIST.

AND THEN,WHENEVER HE FELT LIKE IT,

HE WOULD JUST PUNCHWHATEVER WAS IN FRONT OF HIM.

DIDN'T LOOK TO SEEWHAT WAS AROUND,

JUST BLINDLY SWINGING AT PEOPLE.

YEAH, HE'S TURNINGINTO A DICK.

THAT'S WHAT DICKS DO.

[ LAUGHTER ]