I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S
A GOD THOUGH YA KNOW.
I'M ITALIAN MYSELF AND MY
FRIENDS ARE RELIGIOUS YA KNOW.
ITALIAN GUY'S DO THE MOST EVIL
STUFF IN THE WORLD YET THEY'RE
SO RELIGIOUS.
I'M DRIVING IN THE CAR WITH MY
FRIEND HE'S LIKE, "HEY RUSS,
CHECK THIS OUT.
LAST NIGHT ME AND NICKY,
WE HAD ALL THESE HOOKERS AND
COCAINE.
OH, HOLD ON A MINUTE, WE'RE
PASSING A CHURCH, LET ME JUST
GET THAT RIGHT THERE."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
YOU EVER PRAY TO GOD FOR YOUR
PROBLEMS AND THEN YOU REALIZE
HE'S NOT HELPING PEOPLE THAT
HAVE WAY WORSE PROBLEMS THAN
YOU DO AND ARE WAY MORE
RELIGIOUS THAN YOU ARE?
I'VE BEEN HAVING THIS VOICE
PROBLEM FOR LIKE A YEAR AND I
WAS IN MY APARTMENT AND I WAS
LIKE, "GOD, PLEASE HELP MY
VOICE."
AND THEN THE POPE WAS ON TV.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE POPE LATELY?
HE'S SITTIN' THERE ALL
EMACIATED, HE'S TRYING TO READ,
HE'S LIKE...
[MUMBLING]
[TAKES DEEP BREATH]
[MUMBLING CONTINUES]
I AM LIKE "I AM SCREWED!
THERE IS NO WAY HE IS GOING TO
HELP ME EVER!
I'M SITTING THERE PRAYING,
I'M LIKE, "GOD, I KNOW I
HAVEN'T BEEN TO CHURCH IN LIKE
10 YEARS AND I PUT MY ARM AROUND
OLD PEOPLE AND I TAP THEIR
SHOULDER SO THEY LOOK THE OTHER
WAY AND I RUSH DOWN SUBWAY
STAIRS YELLING HOLD IT, SO
PEOPLE RUN IN BACK OF ME AND...
[LAUGHTER]
I'M JUST A BAD PERSON."
[APPLAUSE]
YOU EVER HAVE THE HOMELESS GUY
GIVE YOU THE SPEECH AND HE WALKS
PAST YOU WITH A CUP?
AND YOU'RE COINCIDENTALLY
GOING INTO YOUR POCKET BUT NOT
GIVE HIM MONEY?
THAT'S KIND OF AWKWARD MOMENT,
RIGHT?
I WAS LIKE, "AH DUDE, DUDE,
I WAS JUST CHANGING THE SONG
ON MY $600 iPOD, SORRY ABOUT
THAT.
[LAUGHTER]
SORRY, DUDE.
YOU GOTTA GET ONE, IT ROCKS."
[APPLAUSE]