I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S

A GOD THOUGH YA KNOW.

I'M ITALIAN MYSELF AND MY

FRIENDS ARE RELIGIOUS YA KNOW.

ITALIAN GUY'S DO THE MOST EVIL

STUFF IN THE WORLD YET THEY'RE

SO RELIGIOUS.

I'M DRIVING IN THE CAR WITH MY

FRIEND HE'S LIKE, "HEY RUSS,

CHECK THIS OUT.

LAST NIGHT ME AND NICKY,

WE HAD ALL THESE HOOKERS AND

COCAINE.

OH, HOLD ON A MINUTE, WE'RE

PASSING A CHURCH, LET ME JUST

GET THAT RIGHT THERE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

YOU EVER PRAY TO GOD FOR YOUR

PROBLEMS AND THEN YOU REALIZE

HE'S NOT HELPING PEOPLE THAT

HAVE WAY WORSE PROBLEMS THAN

YOU DO AND ARE WAY MORE

RELIGIOUS THAN YOU ARE?

I'VE BEEN HAVING THIS VOICE

PROBLEM FOR LIKE A YEAR AND I

WAS IN MY APARTMENT AND I WAS

LIKE, "GOD, PLEASE HELP MY

VOICE."

AND THEN THE POPE WAS ON TV.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE POPE LATELY?

HE'S SITTIN' THERE ALL

EMACIATED, HE'S TRYING TO READ,

HE'S LIKE...

[MUMBLING]

[TAKES DEEP BREATH]

[MUMBLING CONTINUES]

I AM LIKE "I AM SCREWED!

THERE IS NO WAY HE IS GOING TO

HELP ME EVER!

I'M SITTING THERE PRAYING,

I'M LIKE, "GOD, I KNOW I

HAVEN'T BEEN TO CHURCH IN LIKE

10 YEARS AND I PUT MY ARM AROUND

OLD PEOPLE AND I TAP THEIR

SHOULDER SO THEY LOOK THE OTHER

WAY AND I RUSH DOWN SUBWAY

STAIRS YELLING HOLD IT, SO

PEOPLE RUN IN BACK OF ME AND...

[LAUGHTER]

I'M JUST A BAD PERSON."

[APPLAUSE]

YOU EVER HAVE THE HOMELESS GUY

GIVE YOU THE SPEECH AND HE WALKS

PAST YOU WITH A CUP?

AND YOU'RE COINCIDENTALLY

GOING INTO YOUR POCKET BUT NOT

GIVE HIM MONEY?

THAT'S KIND OF AWKWARD MOMENT,

RIGHT?

I WAS LIKE, "AH DUDE, DUDE,

I WAS JUST CHANGING THE SONG

ON MY $600 iPOD, SORRY ABOUT

THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

SORRY, DUDE.

YOU GOTTA GET ONE, IT ROCKS."

[APPLAUSE]