Cristela Alonzo - Weed Theory

Cristela Alonzo Season 2, Ep 12 06/07/2013 Views: 36,024

Cristela Alonzo explains why you shouldn't smoke pot when your life is a mess and reveals why gymnasts never get DUIs. (2:05)

Do I have any pot smokers hereat all?

(audience whooping)


Geez, is thisa group outing?

My God.

I have a theory--I don't smoke weed--

I have a theory: If your lifesucks, don't smoke weed.

'Cause when I was in college,I got high one time,

and when I got high,everything slowed down.

The last thing you needwhen your life sucks

is to put that suckerin slow motion.

When you're sober and you'reunemployed, you're unemployed.

But when you're highand you're unemployed,

you are un... em... ployed.

I say,if your life sucks, drink,

because if you drink,you might black out,

and that's likea fast-forward button.

That's what you want.

I like when I drinkand black out,

'cause the next day,I always feel like I'm in

my own CSI episode, you know?

Looking for clueseverywhere I go.

"What the...?


"Taco Bell...

"Mountain Dew...

Who the hell is that?"

When I was younger, though,when I turned 21, I was stupid.

I got a DUI. That sucked.

Got to the part of the testwhere they're like,

"Walk in a straight line."

I was like,(giggles): "Not tonight.

"Should've caught melast night. I was sober."

It was at that

part of the test, though,where I wished I was a gymnast,

'cause I don't think a gymnasthas ever gotten a DUI,

'cause these chickshave balance.

Like, no matterhow drunk they are,

they can always walkthat straight line, you know?

(slurring):"Yeah, officer...

"sure, I can walka straight line.

No problem."



Here are your keys."

That was the dumbest thingI've ever done.