Sean Patton - Completely Different Set

  • Season 2 , Ep 16
  • 06/21/2013
  • Views: 6,453

If Sean Patton were chugging vodka instead of water, his stand-up would be a bit different. (2:55)

To you, you know?

(cheering, applause)

Hey, on the rare occasionI am in the gym,

you ever see the guywho's, like...?

"Ah!

Ah! Ah!"

It's, like,"What are you, a dragon?

(bleep) wrong with you?"

That's vodka, by the way.

Can you imagineif this were vodka

and I just chuggedthat much of it?

This set would end

in a completely different mannerthan I...

I would suddenly be, like,

(slurring): "Okay, okay,you want a funny joke?

"Okay, I got a funny jokefor you.

"Love isn't real. (laughs)

(sobs softly)

"You know what she said to me?

"You know what she said to me?You know what she said?

"She said, 'I can't be withanyone right now.'

"Oh, I didn't know I wasjust anyone.

"I thought we were soul mates.

"It's my fault. It's my fault.

"I opened,I opened myself up to her.

"I said, 'That's me.That's how I work.

"'That's my heart.You want to touch it?

"Want to touch my heart?'

"She goes, 'Uh-huh.'

"Took it. Took it away from me.

"Kept it.Used it as a paperweight.

"Used it as a doorstop.

"Used it to knead pizza dough.

"Met another guy, right?

"And he was, like,'You want to have sex?'

"And she was, like,'Of course I do. I'm a whore.'

"And he, and he goes,'Well, I don't have a condom.'

"And she goes, 'Well, here, justuse Sean's heart as a condom.

"It works greataround the house.'

(voice breaks): "And he did!That's what he did!

"He put my heart on his (bleep)like a prophylactic,

"and he had sex with her!

"And he (bleep)...He (bleep) my heart.

"Did my heart bust on himlike a dirty old condom?

"No, it did not.

"'Cause it's a strong heart.It's reliable.

"It got, it got pregnant.

"It got pregnant and it wantedto keep the baby.

"'Cause it's a loving heartfull of nurtureness.

"But she was, like, 'No!'

"And she punched my heartin its stomach

"till it had a miscarriage.

"So now my heart'spsychologically damaged

"wandering around truck stops

giving aorta jobsfor five dollars a pop."

(sobbing)

Fortunately, this is just water.

Unfortunately,all of that was true.

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