Doug Benson - Life Tips

  • Season 13 , Ep 2
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 22,170

Forget the "Bucket List" -- Doug has the "F**k It List." (2:28)

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, LIFE TIPS --

WE ALL NEED 'EM.

IT'S DIFFICULTGETTING THROUGH LIFE.

I'VE GOT THREE TIPS TONIGHT.

TWO OF THEM ARE THINGSYOU SHOULD NEVER DO.

YOU KNOW HOW, LIKE,THERE'S THE BUCKET LIST --

THINGS YOU SHOULD DOBEFORE YOU DIE?

THIS IS KIND OFTHE [BLEEP] IT LIST.

THEN THE LAST THING,YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD DO.

ALL RIGHT, TIP NUMBER ONE.

IF YOU ARE IN AN AIRPORT

AND YOU SEE A MACHINE THAT SAYS"FREE BLOOD-PRESSURE TEST,"

DO NOT DO IT.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS VERY EXCITING,

LIKE, "WHOO-HOO!FREE BLOOD-PRESSURE TEST!

IT'S MY LUCKITY-DING-DONG DAY!"

[ IMITATES GUNFIRE ]

ALSO, DO NOT SHOOT OFFA GUN AT THE AIRPORT.

YOU WILL NEVER GET ITON THE PLANE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT HERE'S WHY YOU SHOULDN'T DOTHE BLOOD-PRESSURE-TEST MACHINE.

YOU STICK YOUR ARMIN THE MACHINE

TO GETYOUR BLOOD PRESSURE TESTED,

AND IT GETS REALLY TIGHTAROUND YOUR ARM

SO, YOU KNOW,YOU CAN BARELY MOVE,

AND THEN KIDS COMEAND STEAL YOUR [BLEEP] BAGS.

SO NOW YOU'RE STUCK THEREWATCHING YOUR SAMSONITES

RUN DOWN THE CONCOURSE,

AND YOUR BLOOD PRESSURESHOOTS UP REALLY HIGH.

TIP NUMBER TWO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

DO NOT MASTURBATEWITH HAND-SANITIZING LOTION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S RIGHT, JOEY.

I'M TALKING TO YOU.

IT STINGS QUITE A BIT.DON'T ASK ME HOW I KNOW.

THERE IS ONE EXCEPTION.

IF YOU GET BLACK-OUT DRUNKONE NIGHT

AND THEN THE NEXT DAY,

YOU CANNOT REMEMBERWHERE YOUR JUNK HAS BEEN,

GO AHEAD AND PURELL IT UP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND FINAL-AL-A-LIL-LY...

...ANY TWO PEOPLEWHO ARE HAVING AN ARGUMENT

CAN USE THIS NEXT TIP.

ANY TWO PEOPLE -- MAN, WIFE,BOYFRIEND, GIRLFRIEND,

WHATEVER YOU ARE --YOU'RE HAVING A DISAGREEMENT.

IT HAPPENS.

WE'RE HUMAN.WE ALL HAVE DISAGREEMENTS.

BUT GET IN THE CAR TOGETHER,DRIVE TO THE MALL,

GO TO THE FOOT LOCKER SHOE STOREIN THE MALL.

FIND AN EMPLOYEE THERE,

PRESENT BOTH SIDES OF YOURARGUMENT TO THAT EMPLOYEE,

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO WEAR THE REFEREE STRIPES

UNLESS THEY'RE PREPARED TO MAKESOME SERIOUS DECISIONS.

THOSE ARE MY TIPS TO YOU!

YOU'RE WELCOME!

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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