Uncensored - Louis C.K. - Last Thing You See

Louis C.K.: Hilarious Season 1, Ep 101 01/09/2011 Views: 101,372

Louis C.K.'s penis is like a young 21-year-old guy who drags two old men behind him. (2:20)

DIFFERENT PARTS OF MY BODYARE OLDER THAN OTHERS.

LIKE, MY DICK AND BALLS DON'TEVEN MATCH EACH OTHER.

LIKE, MY BALLS ARE OLDERTHAN ME.

THEY'RE, LIKE, THE OLDEST--I SWEAR TO GOD.

I AM 41, AND MY BALLS ARE, LIKE,72.

THEY'RE REALLY OLD, AND THEYJUST KIND OF HANG THERE.

THEY'RE JUST HANGING LIKE--THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE BEING

RESCUED BY A HELICOPTERFROM A MOUNTAIN.

[imitates helicopter rotors]THEY'VE BEEN TRAPPED ON

A MOUNTAIN TOGETHER, AND IT'S...

ZIPPED TOGETHERIN A SLEEPING BAG.

[shuddering]"IF WE EVER GET OUT OF THIS,

I'LL NEVER CALL YOU LEFTY AGAIN.

I'M SORRY."

AND THEN MY DICK IS, LIKE,HAPPY AND SHINY, YOUNG-LOOKING.

MY PENIS IS LIKE A YOUNG21-YEAR-OLD GUY WALKING AROUND

WITH THESE TWO OLD GUYSFOLLOWING HIM.

"HEY, MAN, HANG BACK.

I'M TRYING TO GET SOME PUSSY.

GET OUT OF HERE."

"UH, WAIT FOR US."

AND AT SOME POINT, I GOT TO SHOWTHIS SHIT TO SOME POOR,

UNFORTUNATE WOMAN THAT HASTO SEE THIS FUCKED UP

PACKAGE OF MINE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT--LIKE, I'LL TUCK MY BALLS

BETWEEN MY LEGS.

I DON'T--I DON'T HAVE BALLS.

I JUST HAVE A PENIS.

IS THAT OKAY?

THAT MUST BE WEIRD FOR WOMEN,THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF

DICK AND BALLS YOU'RE GONNA GETUNTIL IT'S WAY TOO LATE.

LIKE, IT'S THE LAST THING YOUSEE, AND IT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

IT SHOULD BE THE FIRST THINGYOU SEE.

EVERY DAY, IT SHOULD START WITHTHE GUY TAKING OUT--

"IS THIS GONNA BE OKAY?""YEAH, THAT'S FINE.

IT'S GONNA BE WORTH MY TIME.

GO AHEAD AND PUT IT AWAY.

WE'LL DEAL WITH IT LATER."

[cheers and applause]'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T FIND

OUT UNTIL IT'S--YOU'RE LOOKINGDOWN THE BARREL OF IT, AND IT'S

REALLY TOO LATE NOW.

"OH, JESUS."

AND THE DICK'S LOOKING UP ATYOU, AND IT'S ALL...

LIKE, "THIS IS LIKEA DR. SEUSS TREE.

I DON'T EVEN--IT'S ALLYELLOWY-BROWN WITH THE SH--

SPRINGS COMING OUT."

AND WOMEN ARE SO NICE.

I DON'T KNOW A SINGLE STORYOF A WOMAN WHO FINALLY GETS--

A GUY TAKES HIS DICK OUTAND GOES, "NO, NO,

THAT'S NOT YOUR DICK.

COME ON!

TAKE OUT YOUR PENIS.

THAT'S NOT A PENIS.

THAT'S BULLSHIT."

THEY JUST GO, "OKAY.

OH, FUCK.

WHAT HOLE CAN I PUT THIS INTOTHAT'LL DEPRESS ME THE LEAST?"