by far an away, right,
my favorite TV showis an American TV show,
and that show,ladies and gentlemen is
"America's Next Top Model."
I love that show.
'Cause I love all ofthe modeling shows.
I think they'regreat, right.
And what I love aboutthe modeling shows is that,
for a start,
it's very clearthat they're judged
entirely by women...because none of the blonde,
big-breasted,sort of curvy, sexy models
that I'd actuallylike to have sex with
ever get anywhere.
It's always some weird,scrawny alien with like,
a shaved head.
"Oh, she's reallystriking."
"She's got stunning eyes.
"They follow youaround the room."
'Cause one of themis lazy.
But the main reason--
The main reasonI love that show,
"America's Next Top Model,"
is for one reasonand one reason alone,
and that is becauseof Tyra Banks.
I think that womanis amazing.
She is the mostpretentious woman
on the entire planet.
I love that bit, right,that bit at the end--
That bit at the endthat I love
where she's judging the twofinal women, right--
And they stand therein front of her
and Tyra's there holdingtheir photographs...
like Jesus in front oftwo lepers.
And then, these twopoor, innocent,
vulnerable young women
have to be subjected to a facefull of the most nonsensical,
pseudo-philosophical bileyou have ever seen.
It is glorious!
She looks at them.
She's like, "Two beautifulgirls stand before me.
"Only one can become'America's Next Top Model.'
"Shaniqua, this week,your shots were fantastic,
"but unfortunately,as a human being,
"you have to face upto your issues
"and the best wayto do this
"is to take a step back,turn around and run away...
"because you see,life is like a swing.
"You go forwards and backwards,forwards and backwards,
"after using your legsin a kicking motion
"to propel you toan optimum velocity...
"but you see,the swing doesn't just go
"forwards and backwards.
"It goes left and right,in and out, up and down.
"It's not likea swing at all.
"In fact, in many ways,it's more like a roundabout
"that seesaws up and downand swings from left to right
"and you have toclasp each opportunity
"like it were a monkey baron a trellis thing...
"but don't you ever think thatlife is like a playground
"because it is not!
"It is like a playground
"without the playor the ground.
"It is just swingingnothingness
"and the only then can youtruly understand that
"if you want to becomeand individual,
"you have to strivefor individuality
"in a group,in unison,
"on your own, together,momentarily, forever...
"and the most importantlesson that you can learn
"is that if you want to getanywhere in this industry,
"you gotta stop talkin',you gotta start listening.
"You gottastop using these.
"You gotta startusing these,
"because, Shaniqua,you are still in the running
"to become'America's Next Top Model.'
"So let mesee you smile."
[audience cheering, applauding]