Eddie Brill - Nicknames

  • Season 7, Ep 18
  • 06/12/2003
  • Views: 1,937

You can't make up your own nickname. (3:26)

VERY, VERY INTERESTING.

I WAS RECENTLY IN

WASHINGTON D.C., AND I SAW

TED KENNEDY WALKING AROUND.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S INTERESTING

ABOUT THAT?

HE'S THE ONLY KENNEDY WALKING

AROUND.

THAT'S WHAT I REALIZED.

I KNOW IT'S LIKE SOME OF YOU

ARE LIKE--

[LAUGHS]

BECAUSE YOU'RE NERVOUS.

BUT YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE IN

BAD KARMA.

NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE

VERY YOUNG HERE.

AND YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW

THAT I BE--

YOU KNOW, NOT THAT YOU

DON'T KNOW THAT I BELIEVE IN

BAD KARMA.

I'VE TOLD YOU, SO YOU KNOW THAT.

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT

JOSEPH KENNEDY, THE FATHER OF

ALL THE KENNEDYS WAS REALLY

KIND OF A BOOTLEGGER,

AND EXTORTED MONEY FROM PEOPLE

DURING THE DEPRESSION.

AND I THINK, AND I'M NOT SURE,

BUT YOU KNOW, MAYBE BAD THINGS

HAVE HAPPENED TO HIS KIDS

BECAUSE OF THAT, EVERY ONE OF

HIS KIDS EXCEPT TEDDY.

AND TEDDY HAS BEEN IN MANY

ACCIDENTS.

BUT THAT PROVES THAT THE DRUNK

WALKS AWAY FROM THE ACCIDENT.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THAT'S

ABOUT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S BEEN IN ACCIDENTS.

HE HAD A PLANE CRASH A BUNCH

OF YEARS AGO IN COLORADO.

LIKE-- SMASH.

HE'S LIKE-- GODDANG MOUNTAIN.

HE LIKE WIPES IT OFF LIKE

IT'S NOTHING.

HE DROVE HIS CAR INTO A LAKE.

THE GIRL DROWNS, HE'S LIKE--

"I GOT WATER IN MY EARS."

HE'S ROBO-KENNEDY.

YOU CAN'T KILL THAT GUY.

AND THAT'S ONE OF THE ONES

YOU DON'T WANT TO LAUGH.

BUT YOU'RE LAUGHING AT IT,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S TRUE.

AND YOU CAN TELL THAT HE'S

DRUNK.

YOU KNOW HOW?

HIS NAME IS EDWARD KENNEDY.

YET, HE CALLED HIMSELF "TEDDY."

HE'S SO HAMMERED HE THINKS

HIS NAME IS THEODORE.

HE'S EDDIE KENNEDY.

"NO, I'M TEDDY."

"NO, YOU'RE HAMMERED.

PUT THE DRINK DOWN.

YOU CAN'T BE TEDDY.

YOUR NAME'S NOT TEDWARD.

IT'S EDWARD.

YOU CAN'T TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S

NICKNAMES BECAUSE YOU'RE DRUNK.

OR RICH."

HIS OLDER BROTHER HAD

AN ODD REQUEST.

MY NAME IS JOHN, BUT YOU CAN

CALL ME JACK FOR SHORT.

FOR SHORT?

IT'S THE SAME FOUR LETTERS.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS

DRINKIN' UP THERE.

IF YOUR NAME IS JACKSON,

YOU GET JACK.

I CAN'T TAKE JACK IF YOUR NAME

IS JOHN.

IF YOUR NAME IS JOHN,

YOU GET JOHNNY, AND THAT'S WHAT

YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH.

WOMEN DO THAT, TOO.

MY NAMES, MARGARET,

BUT YOU CAN CALL ME PEG.

I'M NOT GONNA CALL YOU PEG.

I HAVE HALF A LEG.

I'LL CALL YOU PEG.

OTHER THAN THAT, YOU'RE MARGIE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT ARE YOU A PIRATE

ALL OF A SUDDEN?

SHIVER ME TIMBERS, MARGIE.

AND HERE'S THE WEIRDEST ONE.

IF YOUR NAME IS RICHARD...

WHY?

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO

YOURSELF?

YOUR NAME'S NOT DICKARD.

YOUR NAME IS RICHARD.

THERE'S NO REASON TO GIVE

YOURSELF A PHALLIC NAME.

YOU HAVE SO MANY CHOICES.

YOU CAN BE RICK.

YOU CAN BE RICH.

I'D RATHER BE CALLED CHARD

THAN TO BE CALLED DICK.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

TO YOURSELF?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOBODY ELSE DOES THAT.

MY NAME'S CARL,

BUT YOU CAN CALL ME (BLEEP).

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I KNOW I'M CARL,

BUT I PREFER (BLEEP).

WELL, WE PREFER CARL.

HERE'S SOMETHING

VERY INTERESTING FOR YOU.

WHY DO LITTLE CHILDREN SING

WHEN THEY TEASE EACH OTHER?

THEY THINK IT MAKES IT WORSE.

♪ I'M TELLING JOEY'S MOTHER ♪

♪ I'M TELLING JOEY'S MOTHER ♪

THE MORE THEY WANT TO PISS

YOU OFF, THE MORE THEY MODULATE.

♪ I'M TELLING JOEY'S MOTHER ♪

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE THE HIGHER THE NOTE,

THE MORE YOU'RE GONNA BE ANGRY.

♪ I'M TELLING!-- ♪

IT'S LIKE TELL MY MOTHER, SHE

HATES YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.

IT'S NOT GONNA DO YOU ANY GOOD.

BUT HOW DID THAT EVER START?

MY FRIENDS NEVER SAID,

"EH, EDDIE, GO TO SCHOOL, AND

MAKE FUN OF JOEY AND HIS MOTHER,

AND SING IT, SING IT, SING IT."

OR WE NEVER GOT TOGETHER--

♪ JOEY, JOEY'S MOTHER, ♪

♪ JOEY'S MOTHER ♪

HAS TO GO BACK IN TIME,

MAYBE THE TIME OF THE GREEKS.

♪ CAESER WEARS A TOGA ♪

OR THE TIME OF JESUS.

♪ JOSEPH'S NOT YOUR REAL DAD ♪

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE HE WASN'T

HIS REAL DAD, AND THE KIDS WOULD

DO THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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