Patton Oswalt - Living in Burbank, CA

Patton Oswalt: No Reason to Complain Season 1, Ep 0101 12/05/2004 Views: 10,570

Patton Oswalt discusses the dissatisfying history of Burbank, CA, and reveals the dark, twisted side of living in suburbia during Halloween. (4:48)

Patton Oswalt: AND NOW I LIVE--

I NOW LIVE IN BURBANK,

CALIFORNIA, WHICH IS THE PERFECT

CENTER OF BOREDOM IN THE

UNIVERSE.

AND I ESCAPED THE SUBURBS.

I GREW UP IN THE SUBURBS OF

NORTHERN VIRGINIA AND I GOT AS

FAR AWAY AS I POSSIBLY COULD

ONLY TO END UP IN BURBANK?

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

BECAUSE I WAS GROWING UP IN MY

20s I HAD THIS HUGE HARD-ON FOR

SKETCHY NEIGHBORHOODS, MAN.

THE MORE DANGEROUS THE

NEIGHBORHOOD, THAT'S WHERE

I WANTED TO LIVE.

BECAUSE I WAS LIVING MY FLABBY,

MAN-BOOBED FANTASY OF BEING A

DANGEROUS WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS

TYPE.

BUT REALLY, YOU KNOW, LIVING

THAT FANTASY BEHIND FIVE LOCKS

AND OFF-STREET PARKING, FINE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I DID LIVE IN REALLY WEIRD

NEIGHBORHOODS.

AND I USED TO LIVE IN THIS

REALLY SKETCHY APARTMENT

BUILDING ON NORMANDY AVENUE

IN HOLLYWOOD.

CHOKED WITH FREAKS.

THAT'S MY WHOLE APARTMENT

BUILDING, NOTHING BUT FREAKS.

AND WHEN I RENEWED MY LEASE

LIKE MONTH TO MONTH A COUPLE

YEARS AGO THE LANDLORD SENT ME

A LITTLE XEROX SAYING,

"THANKS FOR STAYING ON THE

WINNING TEAM AT OUR APARTMENT

BUILDING.

AND I WAS LIKE, "IS THAT THE

WINNING TEAM THAT INCLUDES

THE BOLIVIAN WOMAN WITH NIGHT

TERRORS WHO LIVES BELOW ME WHO

WAKES ME UP AT FOUR AM EVERY--

'EL DIABLO!'

AND ALSO THE CREEPY GAY GUY

IN JUST BICYCLE SHORTS WHO JUST

RIDES THE ELEVATOR ALL DAY.

SMELLS LIKE SOUP MIX.

LIKE "HEY, ARE YOU'RE WORKING

YOUR OBLIQUES THERE, HUH?"

OH, GOD.

[LAUGHTER]

I GUESS IF WE CRAP OUT IN IRAQ,

THEY CAN JUST SEND IN TEAM

CRAPPY APARTMENT.

JUST GET THEM IN THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I LIVE IN BURBANK.

WHEN I GOT TO BURBANK, STILL

I HAD MY SKETCHY HEAD ON

THINKING, "OH, THERE'S GOTTA

BE SOME DARK, STICKY JAMES

ELROY PAST TO BURBANK,

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE EVERYTHING

ELSE IN HOLLYWOOD IS BASED ON

FAILURE AND MURDER AND HORROR."

LIKE HOLLYWOOD WAS NAMED FOR A

GIRL NAMED HOLLY WHO WAS HIT

WITH A PIECE OF WOOD AND THEN

RAPED.

YOU'RE LITTLE, "OH, MY GOD!"

LIKE IT'S JUST AWFUL.

SO I GET TO BURBANK AND THEY

GAVE ME A LITTLE PAMPHLET.

"HISTORY OF BURBANK."

I'M LIKE, OH, MAYBE BURBANK IS

SPANISH FOR GHOST PIG.

OR THERE WAS SOME KIND OF

MASSACRE.

WHO KNOWS?

HISTORY OF BURBANK.

THE PLAQUE FOR BURBANK WAS FILED

ON MAY 1st, 1887.

BY DAVE BURBANK!

A DENTIST FROM THE EAST COAST

WHO GOT A WILD HAIR UP HIS ASS

ONE DAY AND SAID, "I'M GONNA

GO WEST AND FORM A TOWN."

AND, INDEED, HE DID.

END OF STORY!

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENED.

WHAT?

THE WHOLE--

[APPLAUSE]

EVERYTHING ELSE--

EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, YOU KNOW,

LIKE GLANTON'S RAIDERS RODE IN

AND SLAUGHTERED AN INDIAN

VILLAGE AND CUT THE CHIEFTAIN'S

HEAD OFF AND PUT IT ON A STAKE

WITH HIS BALLS HANGING OUT OF

HIS MOUTH.

AND SHERMAN OAKS!

YOU'RE LIKE EVERY OTHER TOWN

THAT'S HOW THEY WERE FORMED.

AND BURBANK IS ALL ABOUT,

"HEY, DO YOU MIND IF I FORM A

TOWN HERE?"

"SURE, GO AHEAD."

THE END.

BURBANK, A HISTORY OF THINGS

WORKING OUT FINE.

[LAUGHTER]

ALTHOUGH THE ONE CREEPY THING

ABOUT THE SUBURBS WHEN I USED

TO LIVE IN MY SKETCH

NEIGHBORHOODS IN APARTMENTS,

HALLOWEEN MEANT THAT YOU PUT A

LITTLE CUTOUT JACK 'O LANTERN,

OR A CUTOUT BLACK CAT ON YOUR

DOOR.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN KIDS--

WHEE, YOU KNOW?

THE SUBURBS MEANS DECORATE YOUR

FRONT LAWN WITH THE MOST

GRAPHIC, BLOODY, HORRIFYING

DISPLAYS OF MURDER AND GORE

THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLE CONJURE.

EVERYONE'S FRONT LAWN IN MY

NEIGHBORHOOD, THERE'S GUYS,

THEY HANG LIKE A FAKE BODY

FROM THE TREE.

NOT LIKE A GHOST OR A WITCH,

A DEAD BODY JUST TWIRLING IN

THE MIDDAY SUN.

WHEE!

HEY, ISN'T THIS A HOLIDAY FOR

KIDS?

THE GUY HAS LIKE THE--

PUTS THE STIPPLING WHERE THE

BLOOD BRUISES AND THE--

IT'S LIKE A CSI AT EVERY

FRONT LAWN.

WHAT [BLEEP] JOB IS HE NOT

GETTING IN THAT HOUSE,

OR HE'S GOTTA BE OUT FRONT

"I GOTTA SHOW HER THE NECK BONE

SNAPPED AND QUICK DANCE."

[LAUGHTER]]

LOOKS LIKE FRANKENSTEIN AND

THE WOLFMAN ENTERED INTO A

SUICIDE PACT WITH EACH OTHER.

ONLY WOLFMAN HAD THE SPINE

TO SEE IT THROUGH AND THAT'S A

FANTAIL PATTERN OF THE BRAINS

CAME OUT AS A 450 CASSOOL--

MOST POWER HANDGUN AND

FRANKENSTEIN'S GOT A REMORSE

AND HE'S [BLEEP] OFF ON THE

CORPSE, FOLKS, AND THAT'S WHAT

HAPPENS IN THOSE MURDER/SUICIDE

PACTS.

[APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

OH, BOY.

OH, BOY.

IT'S SAD.

THAT'S A SAD END.

WHO WANTS A MINI THREE

MUSKETEERS?

[LAUGHTER]

OOH.