Jeff Cesario - Kids

  • Season 9, Ep 8
  • 03/24/2005
  • Views: 2,631

Jeff's sperm recently went from the freestyle to the doggie paddle. (2:29)

A KID, TOO.

WE WANT TO HAVE A BABY.

MAN, I'M GETTING OLDER, TOO.

WHEW.

SOMEWHERE IN THE LAST COUPLE OF

YEARS MY SPERM WENT FROM THE

FREESTYLE TO THE DOGGIE PADDLE.

[LAUGHTER]

"GO, GO, GO."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AW, JUST ONE NIGHT, ONE NIGHT

I WISH I WAS A PUERTO RICAN

DUDE.

'CAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO BABY

MAKING, PUERTO RICAN DUDES,

BANG-- FIRST TIME, EVERY TIME.

IMMACULATE CONCEPTION, MY ASS.

YOU CHECK THE ROSTER AT

BETHLEHEM, I GUARANTEE YOU'LL

FIND A JOSE TORRES ON IT

SOMEWHERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY NAMED

THE KID JESUS?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE TESTOSTERONE.

THAT'S OUR THING.

GUYS HAVE A CHEMICAL IN OUR

SYSTEM.

I KNOW WOMEN HAVE A LOT MORE

CHEMICAL IMBALANCES AND STUFF.

BUT WE GOT THE TESTOSTERONE.

WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THE

TESTOSTERONE EITHER, YOU KNOW?

GIVE US A BREAK.

WE WERE JUST CUTE YOUNG BOYS

AND THEN SUDDENLY AT AGE 11

WE'RE STANDING THERE AT THE

BUS STOP.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

"YEAH, THAT WAS A HECK OF A

SEVENTH PERIOD, WASN'T IT?

[GASPING]

[DEEP VOICE] HANG ON, I GOTTA

THROW THIS ROCK AT THE BUS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TRYING TO PICK UP POINTERS

THOUGH.

I'M WATCHING DADS WITH THEIR

KIDS.

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW HAS THE

TWO CUTEST NIECES EVER.

WHEN THEY WERE BABIES,

WHENEVER THEY WOULD START

TO CRY OR GET ANGRY OR GET UPSET

HE'D JUST PICK THEM UP AND

BOUNCE THEM.

YOU KNOW, HE'D GO "OH,

THAT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

DON'T YOU WORRY IT'S GONNA BE--

PPPLGPGH."

AND IT WORKED.

IT WORKED 100% OF THE TIME.

THEY WERE FINE 15 SECONDS

LATER.

HOW COME NOBODY BOUNCES US

WHEN WE'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?

WHY DID THAT HAVE TO STOP?

[LAUGHTER]

BOUNCERS.

THAT'S WHO SHOULD DO IT.

THEY GOT THE NAME FOR IT.

THEY GOT THE MUSCLE FOR IT.

INSTEAD OF BEATING THE CRAP

OUT OF YOU AT A BAR AT 3:00 AM,

JUST PICK YOU UP.

"OH, IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN PICK UP A WHORE

TOMORROW NIGHT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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