Alonzo Bodden - Flying

  • Season 9 , Ep 22
  • 07/07/2005
  • Views: 10,864

Alonzo Bodden: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT!

YEAH.

THIS IS COOL, MAN.

I LOVE THIS BEING IN NEW YORK.

THANK YOU GUYS FOR HAVING ME

HERE.

THIS IS, THIS REALLY, THIS IS A

CITY TO WORK IN, 'CAUSE I'VE

BEEN DOING SOME ROAD GIGS, MAN,

I HAD TO DO A SHOW AT THE

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH ALABAMA.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING

TO YOU.

I WAS BORN HERE IN NEW YORK,

AND I LIVE IN L.A.

SO IF YOU TELL ME I'M GOING

TO ALABAMA, I'M SCARED.

BUT WHEN YOU TELL ME THERE'S A

SOUTH ALABAMA...

[LAUGHTER]

THERE AIN'T NO REASON FOR THAT

AT ALL, MAN, REALLY.

[APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT GOOD IN THE SOUTH, MAN.

I DON'T LIKE BEING ANYWHERE

THAT "MOSEY" IS A SPEED.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO

DOWN THERE, MAN.

I GET IN THE CAB, IT'S LIKE,

"WE GONNA MOSEY ON DOWN

TO THE AIRPORT."

NO, LET'S HURRY THE HELL UP AND

GET TO THE AIRPORT, ALL RIGHT,

'CAUSE IT'S GETTING DARK

OUT HERE THERE'S A LOT OF TREES

AROUND.

AND I'VE HEARD RUMORS!

BUT THIS IS GOOD, MAN.

TRAVELING'S GOOD.

I NOTICE A LOT OF THINGS

ON THE ROAD, THOUGH, LIKE IN

AMERICA HERE, MAN.

I THINK WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE

PARANOID, YOU KNOW A LITTLE

TOO MUCH SECURITY.

I SAW A SECURITY GUARD AT THE

99 CENT STORE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M THINKING, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH

I HAVE TO STEAL TO MAKE IT WORTH

PAYING YOU?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE TOO MUCH SECURITY.

AND THE AIRPORT SECURITY IS

THE WORST, MAN, BECAUSE IT'S

LIKE A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY.

YOU KNOW WE HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE

THERE, BUT THEY NOT REALLY

DOING ANYTHING 'CAUSE THEY STILL

CHECK US FOR THE WRONG THINGS,

MAN.

YOU CAN'T BRING TWEEZERS

ON AN AIRPLANE.

IF I'M ON A PLANE AND YOU TRY TO

HIJACK IT WITH TWEEZERS,

I'LL WHIP YOUR ASS, MAN, REALLY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU THINK I'M GONNA BE LATE

'CAUSE YOU GOT TWEEZERS AND A

BAD ATTITUDE?

I TELL SECURITY, "LOOK,

HOW ABOUT YOU CHECK FOR GUNS,

AND I'LL HANDLE TWEEZER BOY

ON MY OWN."

[LAUGHTER]

AND ENOUGH WITH THE SHOES RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE WE GOT A NATIONWIDE

FOOT FETISH GOING ON.

WE HAD ONE IDIOT PUT A BOMB

IN A SHOE, AND NOW EVERYONE

HAS TO TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF?

WHERE'S THE BRA BOMBER AT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAY IF WE GOT TO WAIT IN LINE,

MAKE IT FUN FOR EVERYBODY.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT

THEY CHECKIN' ME FOR ANYWAY.

BECAUSE I'M BLACK AND

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T HIJACK

PLANES, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, I'LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT

WE STEAL A LOT OF STUFF.

BUT WE DO NOT HIJACK PLANES.

IN FACT, IN THE HISTORY OF

AVIATION, A BLACK PERSON

HAS NEVER EVEN ATTEMPTED

TO HIJACK A PLANE.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SELL

AN AIRPLANE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU TELL ME WHAT A BROTHER'S

SUPPOSED TO DO WITH AN AIRPLANE,

HUH?

WHAT'S HE GONNA DRAG IT TO THE

PAWN SHOP, HUH?

PUT 20'S ON IT AND TAKE IT

TO THE SWAP MEET?

NO, I'LL TELL YOU HOW TO HANDLE

AIRPORT SECURITY.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S NOT NICE,

IT'S NOT "POLITICALLY CORRECT,"

BUT I'LL SAY IT.

JUST... CHECK THE ARABS.

ALL RIGHT?

BECAUSE THAT'S WHO HIJACKS

PLANES.

AND THAT'S NOT BEING RACIST

THAT'S JUST COMMON SENSE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF YOU GET ROBBED AND THE

GET-AWAY CAR IS A CADILLAC...

THEN YOU KNOW THERE'S A BROTHER

INVOLVED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

IF YOU IN THE HILLS OF TENNESSEE

AND SOME JEWISH GUY'S

GETTING HIS ASS WHIPPED,

YOU LOOKIN' FOR A RED NECK WITH

A PICKUP TRUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IF YOU'RE ON AN AIRPLANE

AND SOMETHING STARTS TICKIN',

"WELL, ABDUL, WE GOT A FEW

QUESTIONS FOR YOU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

'CAUSE I WATCH IT, MAN.

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