Damon Wayans - Scared of Athletes

Stanton, Zager, Williams, Oscar Season 9, Ep 909 01/20/2006 Views: 9,558

Damon Wayans doesn't understand why basketball fans would bother fighting the players. (1:23)

I LOVE THIS CITY.THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO.

I GOT INVITED TO THERUTGERS GAME TO SEE BASKETBALL.

I AIN'T GO, THOUGH.BECAUSE-- NAH, I GOT PARANOID.

I WAS AT THE DETROIT-INDIANA GAME

BACK WHEN THEY START ACTING THE FOOL.

SCARED ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT ARE FANS DOING FIGHTING THE ATHLETES?

WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE WORD "ATHLETE"?

THESE ARE HUMAN MACHINES. YOU DON'T WANNA FIGHT THEM.

I SAY FIGHT THE REFEREE. FIGHT THE BALL BOY.

BUT YOU DON'T WANNA FIGHT THEM.

THEY'RE IN THE GYM 24/7 LIFTING WEIGHTS.

AND WHEN THEY'RE NOT LIFTING WEIGHTS,

THEY'RE OUT THERE PLAYING AGAINST GUYS SEVEN FEET TALL.

HAVE YOU SEEN SHAQUILLE O'NEIL?

IT'S NOT A SPECIAL EFFECT.THE [BLEEP] REALLY IS THIS BIG.

YOU DON'T WANNA FIGHT THAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS KINDA SAD THAT MIAMI DIDN'T WIN THIS YEAR.

I WANTED TO SEE MIAMI DO IT.

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN POETIC JUSTICE

SINCE KOBE WAS SO, YOU KNOW, DISRESPECTFUL TO SHAQ.

EVERYBODY MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF SHAQUILLE O'NEIL

'CAUSE THEY SAY HE'S THE MOST DOMINANT PLAYER.

BUT THE DUDEIS LIKE NINE FEET TALL.IT'S KINDA UNFAIR.

HE PUT THE BALLIN THE BASKET LIKE THIS.

AND THEY TRY TO MAKE IT SOUND EXCITING. IT'S LIKE,

"OH, LOOK AT THAT TURNAROUND JUMPER BY SHAQUILLE O'NEIL."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]