Mike Britt - Osama bin Laden

  • Season 6, Ep 4
  • 05/12/2002
  • Views: 18,630

President George W. Bush should be vague in his press conferences. (3:58)

I KNEW THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

I KNEW IT.

CAN'T FIND HIM IN HIS OWN

BACKYARD.

I KNOW WHY THEY CAN'T FIND HIM.

THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE TO ME.

EVERY TIME I SEE THE TERRORIST

PROFILES, I BE LIKE, THEY GOING

TO HAVE A HARD TIME, CAUSE

AH-TA-HAK MA-ZAK MA-JIG

LOOKS LIKE EL-MA-TICK TA-TOCK.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL

THIS IS?

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T KNOW.

THEY CAN'T GO OVER TO

AFGHANISTAN WITH A COMPOSITE

DRAWING.

THEY'D BE LIKE, "HAVE YOU SEEN

THIS GUY?"

"I HAVE SEEN HIM HERE AND HERE,

AND HERE.

I AM HIM YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

WHAT I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND

IS WHY THEY CAN'T FIND HIM

$25 MILLION REWARD.

$25 MILLION AND NOBODY HAS SAID

NOTHING.

THAT'S A HELL OF A ORGANIZATION.

THE MOB DON'T EVEN HAVE THAT

TYPE OF UNITY NO MORE.

25 MILLION AND NOBODY HAS SAID

NOTHING.

I WAS LIKE, WOW.

BLACK PEOPLE, Y'ALL KNOW,

LET'S KEEP IT REAL.

LET'S KEEP IT REAL.

25 MILLION, IF THAT WAS A BLACK

ORGANIZATION, OSAMA BIN LADEN

WOULD BEEN OSAMA-BIN-CAUGHT.

NOT THIS BROTHER.

FOR 25 MILLION WE WOULD REALIZE

WE DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIM

TOO MUCH.

THEY START LOW IT WOULD BE LIKE,

"WE GIVE YOU ONE MILLION."

"NO.

COULDN'T HAVE BEEN ME."

"2 MILLION."

"NO."

"TEN."

"NO."

"25."

"YOU KNOW, ONE TIME

HE DISRESPECTED ME IN FRONT OF

A LOT OF PEOPLE.

"I THINK THAT IS WORTH

$25 MILLION OF RETRIBUTION,

I THINK."

HERE'S THE REAL REASON WHY

WE CAN'T FIND HIM.

WE TELL TOO MUCH OF OUR

BUSINESS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WAR.

WHY DO WE TELL EVERYTHING

WE ABOUT TO DO?

RIGHT?

WE RUNNING AROUND TRYING TO FIND

MILITARY INTELLIGENCE ON THEM.

THEY DON'T NEED TO DO THAT.

ALL THEY DO IS WATCH THE NEWS.

THEY SEE EVERYTHING THEY NEED

TO SEE.

I'M TELLING YOU.

THEY PLAN THEIR STRATEGY WITH

THE TV ON AND THEIR MAPS OUT.

THEY GOT THEIR MAPS OUT.

THEY LIKE, "TOMORROW, WE WILL

GO DOWN THE PUSHTAN VALLEY,

AND SURPRISE THEM.

"WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WE WILL NOT GO DOWN

TO PUSHTAN VALLEY."

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHY NOT?"

"BECAUSE IT SAYS ON CNN THAT

THEY ALREADY KNOW ABOUT

THE PUSHTAN VALLEY, MY FRIEND.

THEY ARE COMING TOMORROW

AT 7 O'CLOCK.

IT SAYS THERE, 7 O'CLOCK SHARP."

EVERYTHING IS THERE.

IT'S THERE ON THE TV.

IT'S THERE.

RIGHT?

IS THAT STUPID?

RIGHT?

WE TELL THE RANGE OF OUR

MISSILES.

WHY WOULD YOU TELL THE ENEMY

HOW FAR THE STUFF IS YOU SENDING

AT THEM?

WE TELL THEM.

WE GO 2,000 MILES.

THEY OVER THERE, "TWO THOUSAND

ONE, WE ARE SAFE.

WE ARE SAFE!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

"LARRY KING JUST SAID

2,000 MILES.

I COUNT IT AT ONE TIME

AT A TIME, TIME.

WE ARE SAFE.

I'M TELLING YOU."

IT'S THE ONE TIME I WOULDN'T

MIND THE PRESIDENT BEING VAGUE.

YOU KNOW, ADDRESS THE UNION,

YOU KNOW, ADDRESS THE NATION

BUT DON'T GIVE UP TOO MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHEN THE CAMERAS

COME ON SAY, "AH, AMERICA,

WE HANDLING OUR BUSINESS.

WE'RE KICKING THEIR ASS.

I'LL GET BACK AT YOU."

I BE LIKE A'RIGHT.

A'RIGHT, PLAYER, HANG,

HANG LOOSE.

I'LL SAY ONE THING, BOY,

IT TOOK TOO LONG FOR THE WAR

TO START.

I SAID THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A

JAMAICAN PRESIDENT.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M MARRIED TO ONE.

I'M TELLING YOU, THEY DON'T PLAY

THAT KIND OF STUFF.

SEPTEMBER 11th THE PLANES

WOULD HAVE HIT.

SEPTEMBER 12th IT WOULD HAVE

BEEN STARTED.

SOON AS PRESIDENT DONOVAN

WOULD HAVE SEEN THE PLANES HIT

THE BUILDING, HE WOULD HAVE WENT

OFF.

SOON AS HE SAW THE PLANES

HIT THE BUILDING HE'D BE LIKE,

"CHA-BOOM, McCLOUD."

(LAUGHTER)

THEY JUST MASH UP THE WORLD

TRADE CENTER, YOU KNOW?

THEY MASH UP THE WORLD TRADE

CENTER.

GET MISS CLEO UP ON THE PHONE

AND ASK HER WHERE OSAMA AT.

GET CLEO UP ON THE PHONE

AND HAVE HER PUT DOWN THE

FOOLISHNESS ABOUT THE

RELATIONSHIP AND THE

BULL-(BLEEP) AND TELL US WHERE

OSAMA IS AT, MISS CLEO.

WE NEED INFORMATION FOR

THE PEOPLE, MA'AM, THE PEOPLE.

THE PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY DUMB.

WHEN IT WE

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