I guess T Rump has decidedto become a man of his word
at the worst possible timethis week.
I just thought he was sayingall that (bleep)
when he was tryingto get elected.
Then he was gonna be like,"Ah, (bleep) it.
I'm just gonna coastfor four years."
I didn't know he was gonna gointo (bleep) turbo mode.
-(laughter) -So he made good onhis insane plan to ban Muslims
from entering the United States,and literally everyone hates it.
Why, just look at this tweetfrom 2015.
"Calls to ban Muslims
from entering the U.S. areoffensive and unconstitutional."
Oh, I wonderif Trump's gonna come across
this libtard named, uh...Mike Pence.
-Americans... Yeah.-(applause and cheering)
Doesn't even soundlike a real name.
Americans came outby the thousands
to protest at airportssending a message
that no ban will be tolerated,and also, yes,
-travel can get worse. Uh...-(laughter)
But nice job, everyone,for rallying peacefully.
Even New York City cab driversjoined in, showing solidarity
by refusing to take faresto JFK during the protest.
Now it may posea temporary inconvenience,
but let me ask you something.
If you saw a scene in the moviewhere a bunch of cab drivers
who normally don't giveany (bleep) about anything,
and you just saw, like,all of their off-duty lights
flick on one-by-onein protest in the city,
-you would bawlyour (bleep) eyes out. -♪
-Watch this.-(laughter, applause & cheering)
Come on!Oh, my God.
I'm telling you, you know,you'd be at home alone,
and you'd be on a plane where...
I don't know whyI cry on planes as lot
for some reasonwhen I'm watching movies.
But like, we're like,
"There's still lovein this world!"
-Like, you would be so touched.-(laughter)
The ban is so bad,even thousand-year-old
robo villain Dick Cheney cameout against it. Take a look.
-(laughter) "Dick Cheney ThinksTrump's Muslim Ban is
'Against EverythingWe Stand for.'"
Guys, people got mad at Uberfor breaking the taxi strike,
started the hashtag#DeleteUber.
And look. We actually found
that Dick Cheney joinedinto that, too.
-Uh, here's...-(laughter and groaning)
You can see up there.
It says, uh, "Do you wantto uninstall?"
(applause and cheering)
I do imagine that's like whatSteve Bannon's dick looks like.
-I know.-(laughter and groaning)
That would make sense.He is cold-blooded.
However, other appsdid take action
to show their oppositionto the Muslim ban
with Lyft pledgingto give a million dollars
-over four years to the ACLU,Airbnb... -ARDEN MYRIN: Yes.
-Yes, absolutely.-(applause and cheering)
Airbnb offeringto house refugees,
and Apple Maps pledgingto get Steve Bannon lost.
Comedians, how should other appsmake a political statement?
-Moshe Kasher. -Oh, actuallyinspired by Airbnb.
Grindr's offering free holes
for refugeesto stick their dicks into.
-(laughter) -Yeah.-HARDWICK: Okay. Oh, that's...
-Wow. -Yeah. It's really cool.-(applause and cheering)
-Yeah.-Uh, on Tinder,
it is now positiveto swipe left,
but if you swipe right,you can only date your daughter.
-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Okay. Points.
Points. Very layered.Arden Myrin.
No matterwhat address you put in,
Waze is gonna give youthe fastest route to Canada.
-(laughter) -HARDWICK:All right. Yeah, points. -Yeah.
-Points.-(applause and cheering)
You know, is the, uh...
I think we're all touchedby immigration in some way.
I think if anyone had wanted toinstitute a ban on immigrants,
it should have been theNative Americans in the 1600s.
(applause and cheering)
I mean, if we're reallybeing granular about it.
My mother's grandparentscame here from Italy.
They were not turned away.They were welcomed.
I'm here, we are all touchedby immigration some way.
So I hopethat we find compassion,
and they we don't just goon a crazy witch hunt
that isn't gonna work anyway!