Chris D'Elia - Germans

Lee, Shlesinger, Ybarra, Keane, Friesen, Cobb, D'Elia Season 4, Ep 2 10/23/2009 Views: 23,461

Of all the people in the world, Chris D'Elia is the most afraid of Germans and his angry ex-girlfriend. (3:42)

You know whatthe scariest people

on the planet are, hands down?

Hands down, Germans.

It's true, right, are thereany Germans in here or... ?

Okay, let's talk about themfor a little bit.

Just don't tell them I saidthis, you know what I mean?

I feel like even the mosthardcore gangster of all time,

even the gangster would end uplike getting scared, right?

Like the gangsterwould roll up, just be like,

"Hey, playa, what up, son?All right, playa."

"Gimme all your money, playa,empty your pockets, son."

The German would juststand there and say,


"No, player, of course not."

(giddy laughter)

Right, the gangster won'teven know what to do, right?

He'll be like, "Oh, snap,

uh, that ain't howthat usually go down."

"Yeah, dude, see, I havea pistol, right, playa?"

And the German would be like,"It is okay.

I have alreadypoisoned you, my friend."

The gangster would be like,"Oh, wait, oh, playa."


Germans are creepy though, man.

When they speak German,it's the scariest, man.

It is. You know why?

'Cause they always sound like

they're talkingabout you, right?

Right, they do!

It's just...(mimicking German)

(speaking German)...kill him...

(screaming in German)

And they don't have,there's no middle volume

when they speak, right?It's just, it's either...

(speaking softly)or... (screaming).

And they walk creepy, too.

(mimicking German)

That's how they speak.

Why do they speak,like, when they're talking

like they're goingin rewind, right?

That's how they sound, right?

(mimicking German)

Nah, some of you don't believeme but check this out, man.

I can prove it to you howGermans are the creepiest.

All right, if itwas your birthday,

picture it's your birthday,all right.

A German walks right upto you and he says, "Hello."

"H-H-Hi, I have made youa birthday cake."

Would you eat it?

(Bleep) no!You would not eat that.

You would tell right there,you'd be like, "Hold on,

stop the music, this is myparty. I want to know right now,

did you poison it? Tell me."

And Germans don't care, they'lljust straight up tell you.

They'll be like,"Yes, (giddy laughter)."

Whoopsie daisy! I have triedto kill you unt I have failed!

(giddy laughter)

I'm silly. (laughing)

I'm scared of everything, man.

You know who the scariestperson I ever met was?

My ex-girl.

The girls know it, too, right?

It's true, right? You know it.

I feel like her-- howabout this for the dudes?

You ever get in an argument--and we used to argue so much,

dudes, you everget into an argument

where, like, you don'teven know what it's about?

Right, like, that happens.

I feel like sometimeswomen have an argument quota

that they needto fill per month.

You know what I mean?

And here's the thing,if they don't reach their quota

by the end of the month,guess what, doesn't matter.

They don't need you, they'restill gonna reach that, right?

That's when, dude,you have no clue

that that's gonna happen, right?

You're just hanging out,having a good time and then

bam, you're like, you know what?

Hey, baby, I love cheesecake.

She's like, "What the (beep)is that supposed to mean?!"

"Seriously? Seriously?

"Seriously? Seriously?Seriously?"

"Do you have any ideahow stupid you look?"