you can mess with me once.
You might get away with it.
Mess with me twice,
and chances are I stillprobably won't remember.
But mess with me numerous timesacross a concerted period
in a similar way
and think you're goingto get away with it,
well, you're wrong.
'Cause I'm going to lampoon you
through a comedysong, song, song.
♪ I'm talking about my beefs,2-0-1-2 ♪
♪ Things I want to crushwith my fury shoes ♪
♪ My beefs, 2012
♪ Excuse me while I openthe gates of hell ♪
Celebrity news, stop appearingat the end of real news.
You diminish real news.
And the death tollfrom the earthquake
could rise as high as 30,000.
Christina Aguilera's cathas alopecia.
25-year-old men of America,
stop buyingpointless accessories
for your terrible cars.
It's not the Batmobile.
It's a 2002 Hyundai.
Blue lightsunderneath the chassis?
Oh, that's practical,in that it
stops junkies shooting upin your wheel arches.
Next time you see anyone
with the blue lightsunderneath the chassis, in fact,
you're allowed to knockon the door and go, "Excuse me.
I think your gearboxcould be haunted."
Girls, stop telling meabout your dreams.
God, the fateful momentwhen it begins.
"I had a dream last night..."
I am never going to get
the next two minutesof my life back.
"I was on a horse,and then the horse was flying."
I couldn't give a (bleep)!
"It was unbelievable."
Well, of courseit's unbelievable.
What do you want,highly realistic dreams?
"I had a dream--it was like The Wire."
People with fancy smartphones,
stop trying to show mewhat your phone can do.
I don't care.
I know the truth--
there is no app for loneliness.
DVD playersand laptop computers,
play all regions of DVD.
If you don't, you're racist.
My friends, actual grown-ups,
stop taking computer gamesso seriously.
I have a friendwho got up at midnight
to get that Modern Warfare game
when it came outa few months ago,
and afterwards,he actually said,
"I consider this game
to be the modern equivalentof reading a novel."
It's the modern equivalentof getting a novel
and throwing it through a hoop.
The modern equivalentof reading a novel
is reading a modern novel, yeah?
He also plays Guitar Hero,which you shouldn't
be allowed to doover the age of about 14.
It's just the factthat sometimes,
when I go over to his houselate at night,
he answers the front doorand he's just
got, like, his undiesand a T-shirt
and the tiny, stupid guitar.
He's like,"Do you want to come in?
I'm just jammin'."
You're not jammin'!
Bob Marley was jammin'.
I think it just makes me sad
looking at himand just thinking,
God, the idea of a grown-up
dedicating this muchof their life
to attainingthis pointless expertise
in what amountsto a stupid plastic
children's toy musical inst...
(cheering and applause)
Finally,people who constantly update
what it is they're doingon the Internet
in the form of status updates.
From where I'm sitting,it seems like there's
two main schoolsof status update.
The first,and the most common, is just,
"Make your life soundas awesome as possible,"
not be like this,
"Just had a picnic up a hill.
What a perfect day."
I know what you're like.
You cry for half the morning.
But even more pointlessthan that is the other one.
"About to make an omelet."
You are about to undertakethe mighty omelet!
Thank goodnessyou told everyone!
This (bleep) could go any way.
Somebody contact NASA.
You might create a new element.
Clear a space on theperiodic table for omeleteum.
♪ Sort it out, world
♪ If you don't,then you risk being ♪
♪ Part of my beefs 2012.