Mark Normand - Things You Can't Say to a Woman

Amy Schumer Presents Mark Normand: Don't Be Yourself Season 1, Ep 1 05/13/2017 Views: 884

Mark Normand wonders what a woman could possibly say on a date that would offend him. (1:58)

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Guys likethe dating sites

'cause it's toughto approach a woman.

Cold, out of nowhere,especially whenyou're doing this.

Uh-huh.Tough!

It's a tough move.

It's why I feel like womenshould hit on men more.

Hit on us, ladies.

You can say whateveryou want to a guy.

I had an old lady approach meonce, she goes,

"Ooh, I'm gonna kidnap you."

I was like, wow, I could neversay that to a woman.

Oh.

I said it to a lady,she calls the police.

I would be curious to knowwhat a woman could saythat would offend me.

Like, all right,I'm gonna take you home,

drug you, take advantageof you and film it.

I'd be like, all right, well, atleast let me pay for the Uber.

(laughter)

I don't know.I'm...

I'm just jealous of you gals,you know?

You have options.You have the freedomto say no.

If a girl goes on a datewith a guy

and this guy takes outhis Nazi memorabilia,

she's like,I get the hell out of here.

If I go on a date with a girland she takes out her Nazimemorabilia,

I'm like, I gotta bang herand get the hell out of here.

(laughter)

Could be a long winter.You gotta stock up, you know?

But you ladies are so sexy,you drive me crazy.

Aw, you're so hot.

I just want to squeeze you.

You're so sexy withyour wacky labia.I love it, aah.

(laughter)

This is how sexy girls are.

I was having dinner once,this girl leans over duringthe meal and goes,

"Hey... I'm not wearingany underwear."

It's like, oh, my God,that's hot.

Then I realize,why is that sexy?

Has underwear ever beena huge obstacle for a guy?

Has any guy ever takena girl's jeans off

and seen pantiesand been like, ooh!It's gonna be a long night.

Put a pot of coffee on,I can't crack that code.

(laughter)

But that'show hot you are, gals.

You can tell by the articleof clothing you're not wearing.

I can't even see it missing,I'm already turned on.

Doesn't work for a guy.I can't pull that off.

I lean over during dinner,"Hey...

I'm not wearing any underwear."

She's gonna go, "Uh-oh...what happened?"

(laughter and applause)