Richard Jeni - Red Lobster

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 8,223

A cow pleads for his life. (1:45)

Jeni: SO, I'M OUT LAST NIGHTAT A FAMOUS RESTAURANT.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CANMENTION THE NAME.

IT MIGHT NOT BE NICE;RHYMES WITH "FRED ROBSTER."

AND, UH,IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO GO.

JUST DON'T SIT NEXT TO THE TANKWHERE THEY KEEP THE LOBSTERS.

VERY DEPRESSING.

THE LOBSTERS ALWAYS HAVETHAT LOOK OF...

"ANY WORD FROM THE GOVERNOR?"

THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO HAVE,LIKE, 4 OR 5 DRINKSAND THEN ORDER.

CAUSE ONCE YOU'RE DRUNK,

YOU DON'T CARE WHO YOU SENDTO THEIR DEATH IN A BOILING POT.

THEY HAD A SIGN UP:"THE LOBSTERS WERE FLOWN IN."

HOW CRUEL IS THAT?THINK ABOUT THAT.

LET'S SAY YOU'REA LOBSTER, RIGHT?

YOU'VE NEVER BEENON AN AIRPLANE BEFORE.

WHAT ELSE CAN YOUTHINK BUT YOU'VE WONTHE LOBSTER SWEEPSTAKES?

YOU'RE ON A PLANE, MAGAZINE,BELT AROUND THE TAIL,

"AHHH...NOT BAD.

"NOT ONLY AM I GETTINGA FREE TRIP,

I'M EARNING VALUABLEFREQUENT LOBSTER MILES."

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,YOU'RE LOCKED IN A TANK,

BOTH YOUR HANDS ARE TIED,EVERYBODY IN THE PLACEIS WEARING A BIB

WITH YOUR PICTUREON THE FRONT OF IT.

"I WANT TO TALK TOMY TRAVEL AGENT RIGHT AWAY!

WHAT HAPPENEDTO THE FRIENDLY SKIES, HUH?"

AND THEY'RE ONE OF THE ONLYANIMALS THAT HAVE TO PUT UP

WITH BEING ALIVEIN THE RESTAURANT.

IF YOU GO TO A STEAK HOUSE,FOLKS--NO COW TANK.

YOU DON'T SEE THEM BRINGA LIVE COW OVER.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK OFTHIS ONE, BUDDY?

"THIS IS THE BEST COWWE GOT.

"WITH A BAKED POTATO,I DON'T THINK YOUCAN GO WRONG!

"SAY THE WORD.I GOT A GUN.

"I'LL BLAST THE CRAPOUT OF HIM RIGHT HERE.

"THIS IS THE BEST COW--HEY, PUT YOUR HEAD UP!

"WHAT THE HELL'SWRONG WITH YOU?

THIS IS A CUSTOMER.YOU WANT THIS JOBOR DON'T YA?"

RIGHT? AND THERE'STHE COW OVER THERE...

[SOBBING]

"WHY DON'T YOU HAVETHE LOBSTER?"

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