It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.
We've all had to dealwith online haters
in some form or another,possibly every day,
but because subtlety and nuanceare totally not things
on the Internet,sometimes intended compliments
seem like sick burns.
So in honorof this backhanded phenomenon,
tonight's hashtagis #CrappyCompliments.
Examples might be:You kiss better than Daddy;
or: Nice Daewoo,Your (bleep) Highness.
I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.
-D'Elia. -You're very wellbehaved for your race.
Uh, Asian! It was Asian!
Ah! Ah!I was just gonna say,
-it had to be.-It had to be.
-Will Sasso. -In my country,when you (bleep) yourself,
-it means you like the food.-All right, points.
-Chris. -Your wife's (bleep)feels great!
-Uh, points.-(whooping, applause)
-Jon Heder. -This isthe best sex I've ever had
at a Magic: The Gatheringconvention.
Points. Chris D'Elia.
(gasps)Are these your children?
I hope you don't mind me saying,but they're really sexy.
(laughing):"I hope you don't mind."
"Oh, well, you prefaced itwith that, so..."
-Chris.-You're more beautiful
than the entire castof Making a Murderer.
Put together.All of them put together.
Ooh. I've never smelledhair like yours
that smells likeauthentic diarrhea.
-Points. Authentic!-(groaning) -Authentic?
Not like that fake,store-bought diarrhea.
No, the kind you get on Amazon.
-Yeah.-That was a real one.
-The kind you getat the nature mart. -Yeah.
Hi. I'm... I'm Wilford Brimley
for Jon Heder'sAuthentic Diarrhea.