WHITE WOMEN MAKE ME REAL
NERVOUS.
WHITE WOMEN MAKE ME NERVOUS
AS HELL, NOT RIGHT NOW,
'CAUSE THERE'S WITNESSES.
BUT I'M TALKING ABOUT--
(LAUGHTER)
LIKE AT NIGHT WHEN THEY
BY THEYSELF, YOU KNOW WHAT
I MEAN, WALKING TOWARDS ME.
SHE COULD BE NERVOUS, TOO.
I'M A BIG DUDE LIKE--
"OH, JESUS, YEAH, A BIG,
BLACK GUY IS WALKING TOWARD ME.
I HOPE HE DOESN'T--
HOPE HE DOESN'T GRAB--"
YOU KNOW GETTING THAT FANTASY
GOING.
"HOPE HE DOESN'T GRAB ME WITH
HIS BIG, BLACK ARMS AND
THROW ME IN A TRUNK."
AND I'M THINKING THE SAME THING
LIKE, "OH JESUS, I HOPE NOBODY
KILLS THIS WHITE WOMAN, 'CAUSE
I'M GONNA GET BLAMED FOR IT."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
THAT'S WHY I LOOK--
I DO A LOT OF STUFF TO PROTECT
MYSELF, MAN.
I KEEP MY RECEIPTS.
I COLLECT RECEIPTS.
'CAUSE THAT'S A TRAIL OF WHERE
YOU'VE BEEN, MAN.
EVERYWHERE I GO I GET A RECEIPT.
I DON'T CARE.
AND I NEVER GO MORE THAN
A HALF-HOUR WITHOUT BUYING
SOMETHING, 'CAUSE YOU COULD
KILL SOMEBODY IN A HALF-HOUR
AND THEN YOU NEED A ALIBI.
SO EVERY 15 MINUTES,
I BUY SOMETHING.
A STICK OF GUM.
"CAN I GET MY RECEIPT FOR THAT,
PLEASE?"
"WE DON'T HAVE RECEIPTS FOR GUM,
MY FRIEND."
"WELL, YOU GONNA HAVE TO--"
"WE DON'T RECEIPTS."
"WELL, LOOK, YOU GONNA HAVE
TO WRITE ME ONE OR SOMETHING.
I GOTTA HAVE THE RECEIPTS."
"I DON'T HAVE RECEIPT!"
AND THEN YOU KNOW--
IF IT'S LIKE THAT, I'LL END UP
ARGUING WITH HIM JUST SO THAT
HE REMEMBERS ME, YOU KNOW WHAT
I MEAN?
(LAUGHTER)
"GIMME MY (BLEEP) DAMN RECEIPT,
PUSSY."
"WHAT-- WHAT?"
"YOU HEARD ME, PUNK!"
"KISS MY ASS!"
"YEAH, KISS MY ASS, TOO.
WHAT TIME IS IT?"
"5:15!"
"ALL RIGHT."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
"YOU WERE IN HERE MESSING
WITH ME AT 5:15.
YOU WASN'T OUT KILLING SOMEONE
'CAUSE YOU'RE IN HERE (BLEEP)
WITH ME!"
(LAUGHTER)
THAT'S WHY I DON'T LITTER.
I DON'T THROW GARBAGE IN THE
STREET.
NOT 'CAUSE I CARE ABOUT THE
EARTH.
BUT I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA BE
WALKING THROUGH THE PARK
DRINKING A SODA.
AND WHEN I'M DONE, I JUST THROW
IT OVER MY SHOULDER, FLY OVER
A BUSH AND LAND ON SOME DEAD
WHITE WOMAN'S HEAD WITH MY
FINGERPRINTS ON THE CAN.
NOW, I'M THE PEPSI-COLA RAPIST,
'CAUSE I'M LAZY.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)