Patrice O'Neal - Paper Trail

  • Season 7 , Ep 10
  • 04/10/2003
  • Views: 22,988

Patrice O'Neal collects receipts so that he always has an alibi. (2:06)

WHITE WOMEN MAKE ME REAL

NERVOUS.

WHITE WOMEN MAKE ME NERVOUS

AS HELL, NOT RIGHT NOW,

'CAUSE THERE'S WITNESSES.

BUT I'M TALKING ABOUT--

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE AT NIGHT WHEN THEY

BY THEYSELF, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN, WALKING TOWARDS ME.

SHE COULD BE NERVOUS, TOO.

I'M A BIG DUDE LIKE--

"OH, JESUS, YEAH, A BIG,

BLACK GUY IS WALKING TOWARD ME.

I HOPE HE DOESN'T--

HOPE HE DOESN'T GRAB--"

YOU KNOW GETTING THAT FANTASY

GOING.

"HOPE HE DOESN'T GRAB ME WITH

HIS BIG, BLACK ARMS AND

THROW ME IN A TRUNK."

AND I'M THINKING THE SAME THING

LIKE, "OH JESUS, I HOPE NOBODY

KILLS THIS WHITE WOMAN, 'CAUSE

I'M GONNA GET BLAMED FOR IT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S WHY I LOOK--

I DO A LOT OF STUFF TO PROTECT

MYSELF, MAN.

I KEEP MY RECEIPTS.

I COLLECT RECEIPTS.

'CAUSE THAT'S A TRAIL OF WHERE

YOU'VE BEEN, MAN.

EVERYWHERE I GO I GET A RECEIPT.

I DON'T CARE.

AND I NEVER GO MORE THAN

A HALF-HOUR WITHOUT BUYING

SOMETHING, 'CAUSE YOU COULD

KILL SOMEBODY IN A HALF-HOUR

AND THEN YOU NEED A ALIBI.

SO EVERY 15 MINUTES,

I BUY SOMETHING.

A STICK OF GUM.

"CAN I GET MY RECEIPT FOR THAT,

PLEASE?"

"WE DON'T HAVE RECEIPTS FOR GUM,

MY FRIEND."

"WELL, YOU GONNA HAVE TO--"

"WE DON'T RECEIPTS."

"WELL, LOOK, YOU GONNA HAVE

TO WRITE ME ONE OR SOMETHING.

I GOTTA HAVE THE RECEIPTS."

"I DON'T HAVE RECEIPT!"

AND THEN YOU KNOW--

IF IT'S LIKE THAT, I'LL END UP

ARGUING WITH HIM JUST SO THAT

HE REMEMBERS ME, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN?

(LAUGHTER)

"GIMME MY (BLEEP) DAMN RECEIPT,

PUSSY."

"WHAT-- WHAT?"

"YOU HEARD ME, PUNK!"

"KISS MY ASS!"

"YEAH, KISS MY ASS, TOO.

WHAT TIME IS IT?"

"5:15!"

"ALL RIGHT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"YOU WERE IN HERE MESSING

WITH ME AT 5:15.

YOU WASN'T OUT KILLING SOMEONE

'CAUSE YOU'RE IN HERE (BLEEP)

WITH ME!"

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LITTER.

I DON'T THROW GARBAGE IN THE

STREET.

NOT 'CAUSE I CARE ABOUT THE

EARTH.

BUT I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA BE

WALKING THROUGH THE PARK

DRINKING A SODA.

AND WHEN I'M DONE, I JUST THROW

IT OVER MY SHOULDER, FLY OVER

A BUSH AND LAND ON SOME DEAD

WHITE WOMAN'S HEAD WITH MY

FINGERPRINTS ON THE CAN.

NOW, I'M THE PEPSI-COLA RAPIST,

'CAUSE I'M LAZY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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