been to jail before,
but when you go there,it's--
you get to sit on a littlebunk bed without your shoelaces,
and you get to contemplateyour life.
You get to ask--say thingsto yourself like, "Hey, Kyle,
"remember when you thoughteating that Cheeseburger Bite
"was a real low point?
"It's time to recalibrateyour definition of [bleep] up.
They took your beltso you don't hurt yourself."
And I'm not trying to make lightof drinking and driving.
I made a mistake,I screwed up,
but understandthat there are grades
to that crime.
There are degreesto drinking and driving.
I got my DUI in Los Angeles.
I'm from Chicago,where to get a DUI in Chicago--
[cheering]We got some people.
You, clearly,will understand this.
You would have to drive througha playground at recess
and still faila field sobriety test.
I pulled overon the highway once
'cause even I knew I wastoo drunk to drive in Chicago.
Pulled over, shirt open.Gonna take a nap.
Keys in the ignition,'cause I like to listen to tunes
while I slumber.
Woke up with police flashlightsshining in my face,
and them just saying,"Let me see your hands!"
And my first thingI just blurt out is like,
"How'd you guysget in my room?"
They let me drive home.
I got my DUI in Los Angeles,where to get a DUI there,
you just have to look like thisand be singing classic rock
a little too enthusiasticallyat 1:30 in the morning
while going five miles an hourover the speed limit.