Robert Kelly - Being Fat

  • Season 12 , Ep 22
  • 04/03/2008
  • Views: 10,846

Buying clothes sucks when you're fat. (2:28)

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.LET'S AH, GET THE OBVIOUS

OUT OF THE WAY.I AM AH-- FAT.

AND I'M OFFICIALLY FAT, TOO.I HAVE TITS.

[Sighs] AND THE WAY I FOUND OUTWAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

I FOUND OUT--I WAS HAVING DINNERWITH A BUDDY OF MINE.

I ACTUALLY CAUGHT HIMSTARING AT MY TITS.

IT WAS JUST WEIRD.I WAS LOOKING AT HIM LIKE"DUDE, WHAT'RE YOU DOING?"

- HE'S LIKE "WHAT'RE YOU DOING?"- [LAUGHTER]

THERE'S A POINT--I DON'T WANNA GET TOO FAT.

LIKE, THERE'S THAT FATWHEN YOU DROP SOMETHING,

YOU'RE LIKE "DO I NEED THAT?"I DON'T KNOW. LET ME TRY.

NO, I DON'T NEED THAT. NO.MY LIP WENT NUMB.I DON'T NEED THAT AT ALL.

I'LL GET AWHOLE NEW BABY TOMORROW.

I'LL LEAVE THAT ONEFOR SOMEBODY ELSE. BYE BABY.

- I'M TOO FAT TO PICK YOU UP.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I AH-- I HATE MY SKINNY FRIENDS,TOO. THEY ALL SUCK.

OH, THEY DO.OH, THEIR ADVICE STINKS.

"JUST LOSE WEIGHT.""REALLY? IS THAT HOW IT WORKS?"I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT,

YOU FRIGGIN' TWO PARROTHAVE-AN-ASS FACE."

IT SUCKS BUYING CLOTHES.BUYING CLOTHES SUCKS.

THEY GET TO GO TO THE STOREAND THEY-- YOU KNOW--

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT SIZE--MEDIUM, SMALL, XL.

THEY'RE GONNA TAKE IT OFFAND WHIP IT AROUND THEIR HEAD

AT DISCO LATER ANYWAYS, JUST--"SCREW SHIRTS, I LIKE BELTS."

GOING TO THE STOREFOR ME IS AWFUL,'CAUSE THEY PUT THE XL

ALWAYS ON THE BOTTOM UNDER,LIKE, 50 MEDIUMS AND 50 SMALLS.

AND I GOTTA USE MY FAT THUMBSAND RUIN ALL THEIR FOLDS.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMESKINNY GUY WITH A HEADSETLOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?" YEAH.YOU COULD TAKE THE FAT ONE,

PUT IT ON TOP.YOU SAW ME WALK IN,YOU PIECE OF CRAP."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THIS IS-- IT SUCKS.

AND WHEN YOUR FAT,WHEN YOU'RE BUYING CLOTHES,

YOU CAN'T JUST--'CAUSE IT SAYS YOUR SIZE,

YOU CAN'T TRUST THAT. YOU--I'M AN XL. I HAVE TO GO IN.I HAVE TO TRY A SHIRT ON.

GO HAVE LUNCHAND THEN TRY IT ON AGAIN.I'M NOT KIDDING.

I BOUGHT A SNAKE SKINLEATHER JACKET. IT SAID "XL."

I JUST BOUGHT IT. TOOK IT HOME.

I'VE NEVER WORN IT IN FOUR YEARS'CAUSE I STILL CAN'T ZIP IT.

AND EVEN IF I COULD, I'D JUSTLOOK LIKE A SNAKE EATING ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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