and they were dead serious.
They said, "Ryan,I can't talk right now.
I'm expecting a very importanttext message."
And then I realize I've neverreceived
an important text message.
It's always my friends screwingwith me.
I'll be sitting in a meeting.(imitates beeping)
"Oh, look! I'm a queer!"
"It's awesome! I pay $75 a monthfor this. This is worth it."
"No, it's an investment,it's really worth this."
That's great, man.Glad you guys came out tonight.
Great comedy club.Do a lot of comedy clubs.
The only thing that stinks aboutdoing comedy clubs
is bachelorette parties.
They're the worst things on theface of the earth.
No, 'cause they haveprops now, like...
(high-pitched): "We've got penisnecklaces and penis straws.
"I am covered in penises.
(normal voice):It's not funny.
What is funny is that there's afactory somewhere...
...that just makes that stuff.
What, do you think it magicallyshows up at the porn store?
No, there's a plant.
And that means that there'smarketing, accounts receivable.
There's a union-- Local Penis420-- there is a union!
And that means that there's astaff of people
working withinthe plastic penis plant.
And that means that there's anassembly line
and on that assembly lineworks a dude.
And this guy has to get up everymorning...
brush his teethand button his shirt
and look himself in the mirrorand go...
"I got to gomake penises again today!
Oh, my God, I should've stayedin school!"
And then his best friendcalls him
at the end of workeach day-- 5:01.
Goes, "Dude, how many penisesdid you touch today?"
"That never gets old!"
"Oh, you're a queer. I'm textingthat to you right now.
You need to know."